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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29298513">Homing Signal</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/almaasi/pseuds/almaasi'>almaasi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Deep Space Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental Stimulation, Affection, Affectionate Elim Garak, Affectionate Julian Bashir, Alternate Canon, Bath Sex, Bickering, Canon Divergent, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Domestic Fluff, Domesticity, Erotic Cuddling, First Kiss, Fluff, Forbidden Love, Forehead Kisses, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Heavy Petting, Huddling For Warmth, Hurt/Comfort, Intimacy, Kissing, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Purring, Purring Elim Garak, Romance, Schmoop, Secret Relationship, Sharing a Bed, Smut, Spooning, Stranded, Touch-Starved, Touchy-Feely, Xenophilia, alien planets, in the Human AND Cardassian senses of the word, set during season 5, terms of endearment</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:02:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>64,186</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29298513</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/almaasi/pseuds/almaasi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Just their luck: Garak and Bashir are stranded together on an uninhabited alien planet. Over months, a mission for survival and a need to share body heat on chilly nights evolves into comfortable domesticity, with physical contact given and received whenever craved. But all perfect things must of course be ruined: their rescue team arrives. Only then do Garak and Bashir realise how intimate they’ve become without realising, and suddenly their shared urge to show gratuitous affection seems inappropriate as friends. But they can’t give it all up, now... can they?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Julian Bashir/Elim Garak</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>118</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>288</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Just in Time Fest</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Welcome to the Jungle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my submission for the <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/collections/justintimefest/profile">Star Trek Just in Time Fest</a> fic challenge! This accidentally became the longest Garashir fic I’ve ever written, because I perpetually had 4 chapters left to write, and every time I wrote more I needed to add something else. Thank goodness I finished it... just in time! Hee hee.</p><p>This story is <i>nothing</i> but self-indulgent schmoopy emotional gloop, ft. extremely made-up science. It’s also entirely Garashir-centric. Just so you know what you’re getting into! (i.e. A fic in which Garak and Bashir basically play the real life version of Stardew Valley for 6 months.)</p><p>Warning for one injury with blood, and Garak briefly getting jealous. Contains spoilers for season 5.</p><p>This fic was kindly (and thoroughly) beta-read in A SINGLE DAY by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Still_Not_King">Still_Not_King</a>, <a href="https://crowtoed.tumblr.com/">Crow</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/FionaLaFleur">FionaLaFleur</a>, and <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ectogeo/pseuds/plain_and_simple_tailor">plain_and_simple_tailor (ectogeo)</a>!! What wonderful, magnificent human beings.</p><p>There is art for this fic! It’s not finished yet because I had to get this story posted on time (because of course I am posting the day the challenge ends), but it’ll be done soon. Check my <a href="https://almaasi.tumblr.com/tagged/elmie-draws-things">art tag on tumblr</a>, or my <a href="https://twitter.com/almaasi">twitter account</a> for when that goes up!<br/>Edit 23rd March 2021 - Art is done! <a href="https://almaasi.tumblr.com/post/646409316207935488/finally-finished-the-art-for-homing-signal-which">tumblr</a> / <a href="https://twitter.com/almaasi/status/1374177344072478720">twitter</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Bashir to the <i>Defiant</i>. Come in, <i>Defiant</i>.”</p>
<p>No reply.</p>
<p>“Enough! <i>Enough</i>, Doctor. If I might make an educated guess,” Garak said, as he hung white-knuckled from the headrest of a pilot seat, one boot keeping him from falling into the spiderweb-cracked viewscreen, “down here, we have no signal. The chance that a distress call would penetrate those rather formidable-looking clouds, and reach the <i>Defiant</i>, let alone a rescue mission be launched and arrive before we plummet through these branches to the jungle floor, is really quite slim, wouldn’t you say?”</p>
<p>Julian bit his lip in a grimace, concentrating on the hissing, shimmering, bronze-green world spread out before them. “I don’t see a clearing anywhere. There’s nowhere to land safely.”</p>
<p>“At this point,” Garak replied all too calmly, “I would take landing at <i>all</i> over <i>dangling</i> here like some oversized, hard-shelled <i>fruit</i>. Who knows what manner of alien creature might find us a tasty morsel.”</p>
<p>Julian shot his companion a smile. “Hang in there, Garak.” He let out a breath in preparation. “Alright. Taking us down. Brace yourself.”</p>
<p>“Hm.”</p>
<p>Julian manually controlled the shuttle to ease it down through the tree branches. Ghastly scrapes came clawing along the hull, screeching on metal; snaps and crackles sounded from the jungle around them as the mass of their vessel descended the only way it could.</p>
<p>All in all, it was a safe landing – even if, after a few bumps, the floor ended up lopsided and Garak was now hanging off his chair sideways rather than forwards. Julian palmed the controls and let the shuttlepod’s engine turn to standby. Lights in the cabin flickered and died.</p>
<p>“Well, isn’t <i>that</i> something,” Julian marvelled, distracted by the view. Ahead was a strangled mass of flora: vines as thick as his thighs, circular brown leaves as large as his torso. Patches of sunlight eased on and off any leaves that weren’t hidden in shadow and black as night.</p>
<p>Garak stood on the shuttle’s side window with a knee on his pilot seat, and straightened his tunic with force. “First things first, Doctor: we need to fix that door.”</p>
<p>Julian looked back over his shoulder. The shuttle’s cockpit was small; barely three metres in any direction. There was a single door, which was designed to open upwards. It was gone. Humid, sweet-smelling jungle air had invited itself in through the seven-foot-tall gap, and Julian could hear insects chittering outside.</p>
<p>“Sorry to tell you this, Garak, but I don’t think we have the resources to replace the door. At least not so the ship is space-worthy. Besides—” Julian ran a finger over the cracked viewscreen, and added grimly, “This shield couldn’t take the pressure of space. We can get the engines working again to move the shuttle somewhere more stable, but it looks like we’re stuck on this planet until rescue comes.”</p>
<p>Garak was immediately disheartened. “Surely there’s something in the cargo hold.”</p>
<p>“Yes. Luggage. I packed for two weeks.”</p>
<p>Garak slowly sat down on the edge of his co-pilot’s seat, his grey face drawn into an expression of disbelief and dismay, like he knew Julian was right but dared not believe it. “Do you mean to tell me that the crew of the <i>Defiant</i> will not even consider that we <i>might</i> be in trouble for—”</p>
<p>“For at least a fortnight, yes.”</p>
<p>Garak’s tone soured. “And they’ll merely imagine that you and I are having a good time reading books and drinking cocktails on <i>Risa</i>.”</p>
<p>Julian pushed up a cheeky, apologetic grin. “Maaaybe I’m starting to understand why you didn’t want to come.”</p>
<p>Garak grunted, looking away.</p>
<p>“Oh, come on, it’ll be fun!” Julian got out of his seat and clambered carefully down the shuttle’s sloped floor towards the open door, now a gaping hole. “Just you, me, and our barest wits against a new frontier.”</p>
<p>“I daresay you left your wits back on the station, Doctor,” Garak mumbled. He followed Julian to the door, taking the tricorder he was offered. “A sensible man would not have trusted the shuttlepod’s autopilot to be infallible. A <i>sensible</i> man has instincts of his own.”</p>
<p>“How was I to know that every third rotation this planet makes around its sun, its gravitational field increases by— Yeek!”</p>
<p>Julian hopped back into the shuttle, knocking into Garak. Garak grasped him and held him steady from behind.</p>
<p>“What happened?”</p>
<p>Julian’s sandal-clad foot was soaking wet. He looked at it, then sighed.</p>
<p>Garak started to chuckle. “Perhaps,” he said, stepping around Julian, onto a protruding tree root, then reaching back to help Julian follow him, “this might be fun after all.”</p>
<p>“That’s the spirit,” Julian said bitterly, while wincing at the soggy squish in the bottom of his sandal. “All I wanted was a couple of weeks off. I was hoping maybe I’d finish reading that ridiculous adventure novel you gave me. Maybe I’d do some painting – you know, actually <i>make</i> something for once. Maybe I’d meet someone special and fall in love for a little while. And yet! Here I am with you.”</p>
<p>Garak let go of his hand, and they stepped from one root to the next, careful to avoid the shimmering teal waters below. “Believe me, my friend, my idea of a ‘holiday’ included more hot baths and candlelit dinners than these next two weeks are promising to include.”</p>
<p>“Well, there’s a toilet on the ship but no shower, so baths will eventually be in order,” Julian said. He paused on a rock and scanned the area with his tricorder. “And this is actually water down here – pretty pure, by the looks of these readings. Your bath might not be <i>hot</i>, but... that might be a good thing. Gosh, it’s <i>boiling</i> out here, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“I rather like the heat.”</p>
<p>“At least Risa’s a dry heat. I’m going to melt out here.” Julian handed Garak his tricorder, took off his cropped peppermint-green blazer, and tied the sleeves around his waist. “It’s hot even in the shade.”</p>
<p>“Where are we going?” Garak asked, while taking further readings of their surroundings. “It seems there’s no respite from this swamp.”</p>
<p>“Not going anywhere, really; I was just curious— OH!” Julian yanked on Garak’s tunic front and almost pulled him into the water. Julian pointed madly at a shape under the rippling surface, and Garak, now steady against the massive tree trunk, made a sound of interest.</p>
<p>“What is it, an eel?” Julian scanned the water again. “A fish?”</p>
<p>“I always found it trying how you Humans are so keen to categorise everything based on your own native creatures. The glory of an alien world, Doctor, is that nothing is the same.”</p>
<p>“Look: it swims in water, it’s long and thin and about the length of my forearm, it’s the colour of a goldfish, it has scales and eyes and feelers and a flexible spine, and – oh! – yes! – some <i>fins</i>, so by my calculation it’s either a fish or an eel.”</p>
<p>“Maybe it’s an ‘<i>eeish</i>’,” Garak said disparagingly, uncaring eyes cast away towards a looming tree shadow.</p>
<p>“Or a ‘feel’,” Julian agreed with a giddy grin. “We should catch one and check how edible they are. Two weeks of replicated soups might be the worst part of this little adventure. And besides! I’m on leave and I’m taking a holiday, technically. Might as well experience the foreign cuisine.”</p>
<p>When Julian glanced over at the silent Garak, he was met with the sting of a decidedly unamused look.</p>
<p>“You invite me on a trip I did not plan to take,” Garak said. “You crash our ship. You tell me we’re stuck here for two weeks. And now you want me to wade in a swamp to catch – <i>feels</i>.”</p>
<p>“I’ll catch the feel for you, if you want. You just sit and relax.”</p>
<p>“Doctor,” Garak said warningly.</p>
<p>Julian glanced up. “Hm?”</p>
<p>Garak was staring ahead.</p>
<p>Julian followed his eyeline, and saw only trees. Trees and vines and shadows and fluttering insects which hadn’t been visible before. Julian looked for a pair of glowing eyes or a well-disguised Humanoid figure, but saw nothing so alarming.</p>
<p>“What?” he asked, quietly, in case there was something he’d missed.</p>
<p>“The sun has gone down,” Garak said, his voice still wary. “The temperature is dropping rapidly.”</p>
<p>Julian only now felt a touch of coolness on the backs of his arms. “There’s still enough light to see; it’s fine. Hold this for me, would you?” He handed Garak his tricorder, then began unwrapping his jacket from his waist. But Garak stopped him with a touch: a warm hand on his wrist.</p>
<p>“Let’s return to the shuttle.”</p>
<p>“I won’t be a minute—”</p>
<p>“Julian.” Garak gripped his arm tighter. “Let’s return to the shuttle. Now.”</p>
<p>Julian hesitated. But he saw the determination and concern in Garak’s eyes, and started to nod. “Okay.” Placating, but on the edge of worry, Julian nodded again. “Okay. Let’s go back.”</p>
<p>Garak reached out and helped Julian step onto the same root. “Be careful now. It’s harder to see.”</p>
<p>“My vision’s okay in the dark,” Julian reminded him. “How’s yours?”</p>
<p>“I can see well enough.”</p>
<p>They made a slower return across the roots and over the water, eeish and feels left behind but not forgotten. Halfway there, Julian put his jacket back on, relieved by the renewed body heat it provided.</p>
<p>Three quarters of the way there, his breath began to cloud in front of him. Garak was shivering. His teeth were chattering but he was trying to suppress it.</p>
<p>“Hurry,” Julian said gently. “You were right. Come on. Come on. Quickly.” He helped Garak get ahead of him, then caught up and went ahead to guide the other man on. They kept hold of each other’s hands now, unwilling to lose the other in the dark. Each root was a black shadow in a void of other shadows, and even the water did not reflect. Only the faintest sloosh or swish of an eeish at the water’s edge proved their continued existence.</p>
<p>The shuttle was easy to spot in the dark, as the interior lights were still on and the colours bled into the world like the glow of a distant fairground.</p>
<p>The hiss of daytime insects had stopped. Occasionally a moth-like creature would <i>brrr</i> past Julian’s ear. But mostly he heard Garak’s panting, each breath shivering through him. His hands were getting cold.</p>
<p>“Almost there,” Julian whispered. “Almost.”</p>
<p>They stepped into the slanted shuttle one after the other, but Garak did not find relief. The inside was just as cold.</p>
<p>Julian rushed to the ship’s console and brought the vessel out of standby. “Right,” he said. “Garak, sit down.” He reached out and guided him close. “Stay there. I’ll get you a blanket.”</p>
<p>Julian braced a sandal on the wall and wrenched up a floor panel with his fingers. He took out two emergency packs and tossed one to Garak, who didn’t catch it despite looking at it. Julian opened a third pack and took out only the thermal blanket, which flashed silver in the cabin’s light.</p>
<p>Balancing near the replicator, Julian ordered, “Airtight sealer.”</p>
<p>The replicator granted his request without issue, but when the tube rolled out of the tray and into a hastily-snatching hand, Julian realised they wouldn’t be able to order food until the ship was level. The shuttlepod’s miniature replicator was only designed to serve mugs of food, and any liquid would spill upon arrival.</p>
<p>Julian uncapped the tube, then used its contents like glue on the edges of the blanket, attaching it on all sides to the edge of the door. He stretched the material but it wasn’t long enough to cover the whole gap. He looked for another blanket but there wasn’t one. By now Garak had taken the other two blankets and wrapped himself up: a trembling silver lump on a wonky seat.</p>
<p>Over the following minutes, Julian accessed his suitcase from the cargo hold. Despite using his beach towel and sarong to seal the remaining gap in the door, enough air still got through that the cabin remained cold. He turned on the shuttle’s heating system, all too aware that they’d be bleeding heat and therefore power. But it was all he could do right now.</p>
<p>“How are you?” Julian asked, putting a hand on Garak’s insulated shoulder.</p>
<p>Garak didn’t reply, just shook his head.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Julian said softly.</p>
<p>Garak looked up at him. “F-Fof-ffor whatt-t?”</p>
<p>Julian gave him his kindest, most pained look. “For—” he shrugged, “making you leave DS9 with me in the first place. You shouldn’t have let me talk you into it.”</p>
<p>Garak’s eyes sparkled. “My dear Doctor,” he said, with a shuddering attempt at slyness, “if I h-h-had not wanted to come, I would-d-d not have.”</p>
<p>Julian’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “But you’ve done nothing but complain since we left – since <i>before</i> we left – and now look where we are: you’re shivering, there’s only dry rations to eat until we get the ship stable, we’re <i>stranded</i>—”</p>
<p>“Doctor.” Garak smiled, easily this time. “If you k-n-n-new how maddeningly mundane and lonely my life h-h-h-had become these last years, you would not question... why I perhaps cr-raved a litt-t-t-t-tle ess-s-cc-c-c—”</p>
<p>He shook into silence, burying himself deeper under the blanket.</p>
<p>“Garak...” Flutters of worry stirred through Julian’s insides. “Oh, for goodness’ sake— Hang on. Bear with me.”</p>
<p>He rushed away, ducked back into the cargo hold, and returned with two folded camp mattresses. He shoved one against a wall panel, then padded the lower-sloped side with the other, so its surface became somewhat level.</p>
<p>“Right.” Julian patted Garak’s un-blanketed thigh. “You’re with me tonight.”</p>
<p>Garak’s shiny blue eye peeked out from between blankets. “I beg your pardon?”</p>
<p>“Get over here, Garak, before you freeze.” Julian sat on the mattress and opened his arms pointedly. “I won’t ask again.”</p>
<p>Garak scoffed.</p>
<p>Julian kept his arms where they were..</p>
<p>Garak tutted.</p>
<p>Julian doubled down on what he hoped was a furious expression, and tilted his head in challenge.</p>
<p>Garak huffed. He shifted on the pilot’s seat. He looked away. Then back at Julian again. “Y... You’re— To be clear, you’re offering... what?”</p>
<p>“To save your life, I think.” Julian managed a smile. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise. Just sit next to me, would you? We can share the blanket and body warmth.”</p>
<p>When Garak didn’t respond, Julian slowly lowered his arms. Disappointed. Concerned. What did Garak imagine would happen next?</p>
<p>Julian sighed and looked away, wondering what else he could do for a man as stubborn and shivery as Garak without violating him with forced physical contact.</p>
<p>But then Garak got up, and shuffled his way over. Two steps, barely. The cockpit really wasn’t large.</p>
<p>Garak knelt on Julian’s left, then sat next to him, looking at him unsurely.</p>
<p>Julian grinned. “Oh, come on,” he teased. “Blanket hog.” He made Garak lift an arm over his shoulder, so that Julian was tucked in his surprisingly warm embrace. They looked at each other shyly, but then Garak brought his other arm close too, and Julian took it and held it over their middles, then shifted his hips closer until there was no gap between their sides.</p>
<p>“Better already,” Julian observed. Garak was no longer shivering.</p>
<p>Garak hummed a note of surprise, but he couldn’t really be that surprised. Maybe it was a sound of gratitude.</p>
<p>“Stay here, if you like,” Julian said. “We can deal with everything else in the morning.”</p>
<p>They’d been planning to land on Risa, get settled in their beach hut, then explore the surrounding areas and peruse some of the Risian nightlife before bed. Instead, they were stuck here, days of travel away from DS9. After their earlier forty tries with a distress signal failed to send, they may as well have been lightyears away from anyone.</p>
<p>Normally there would have been another eighteen hours before Garak went to bed. And yet... after twenty minutes, he settled his head down on Julian’s bony shoulder and shut his eyes. Julian looked at him in surprise.</p>
<p>“You all right?” Julian whispered. “Falling asleep?”</p>
<p>“Mmm.”</p>
<p>Julian grinned. “If you were any colder I’d be worried that hypothermia was getting to you. But you seem toasty under here.”</p>
<p>“Don’t go anywhere, Doctor,” Garak said.</p>
<p>“Oh, don’t worry.” Julian briefly rested his cheek on the top of Garak’s head. “I’d be a veritable icicle outside this cocoon of ours.”</p>
<p>Garak did not respond.</p>
<p>Julian listened for his breathing, and held his wrist to check his pulse. All normal.</p>
<p>“Tired?” Julian asked.</p>
<p>“Always,” Garak mumbled.</p>
<p>Julian smirked. “I won’t hold anything against you if you want to sleep.”</p>
<p>Garak grunted. “I thought we established you should, in fact, hold yourself against me.”</p>
<p>Julian chuckled, blushing a little. “Well, one side of me, at least.” He clarified: “It’s a phrase. ‘I won’t hold it against you’ means I won’t judge you or complain.”</p>
<p>Garak drew in a deep breath and let it out in a slow blast. “I see.”</p>
<p>“Do you? Want to sleep, I mean.”</p>
<p>“If you truly have no objection.”</p>
<p>“Truly-truly. I’ll be right here.”</p>
<p>“Hm...”</p>
<p>Julian let silence take hold.</p>
<p>He wondered over and over... <i>Is he asleep yet? Is this how he breathes when he’s asleep? His heart rate has slowed... Is he asleep yet?</i></p>
<p>It became clear when he did fall asleep, however, because his head slid down onto Julian’s chest, his arm went slack on Julian’s grip, and his mouth hung open.</p>
<p>Julian gazed at him in awe.</p>
<p>
  <i>He’s asleep in my arms...</i>
</p>
<p>How vulnerable. How trusting. How... sweet.</p>
<p>Julian tugged Garak a little closer, mesmerised by the sight of him. He was no longer freezing. Just... free.</p>
<p>Eventually Julian thought perhaps he might sleep too. Just a nap. Just to pass the time. And this space with Garak was warm and cosy, which helped...</p>
<p>He slowly lay down, bringing Garak down with him. Garak stirred briefly, but after a sniff and a smack of his lips, he lost consciousness again, one hand open and warm on Julian’s chest.</p>
<p>Julian got comfortable, never breaking physical contact with Garak.</p>
<p>And then he lay for a while, unable to sleep. Simply staring at the man aslumber before him.</p>
<p>Two weeks lay ahead, stranded in a harsh world. Julian dreaded and looked forward to it in equal measure.</p>
<p>Eventually he closed in on sleep, at ease in the arms of his friend. His last thought... If there were anyone with whom he could endure the next two weeks, it was the man pressed against him, fast asleep.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p><br/> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Terra Incognita</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Julian stretched into the burning heat of his bedmate, humming a wordless hello and pressing close. He drew in the deepest breath, delighting in the otherworldly scent of an alien man. It was a familiar scent – Garak’s scent – which made it all the better.</p>
<p>Garak, however, let him go and squirmed away.</p>
<p>Julian opened his eyes and wet his lips, gazing at Garak with complete uncertainty. He dared not give an emotional reaction until he knew <i>why</i> Garak pulled back. Garak remained on the mattress, outwardly relaxed, brushing his black tresses out of his face.</p>
<p>“Everything okay?” Julian asked him.</p>
<p>Garak turned his eyes to him, and started to smile. “Did you sleep well, Doctor?”</p>
<p>Julian realised with a jolt that it was morning. Dappled golden sunlight flashed upon the shattered viewscreen, brightening and dimming the colour in the cockpit. He sat up, nodding. “How long did we sleep? Let’s see... factoring in how high the sun was when we crashed, the radial velocity at which the sun set, the planet’s diameter, how long we wandered last night, the sun’s current location in the sky – my God – <i>seven hours</i>.” He tugged off the green jacket he still wore, finding it too hot. “I wasn’t even tired.”</p>
<p>Garak sat up too. His tunic was undone to the waist, showing his wrinkled cotton underclothes. “I turned the shuttle’s heating off, but apparently this is what the planet has in store for us. Sweltering days, freezing nights.”</p>
<p>Julian wondered if Garak had gotten up to turn the heat off and open his clothes, then returned to bed. Should that be thrilling? Was it strange? Maybe without the heating, it was cold again, so Garak needed the body warmth...</p>
<p>Yes, that had to be it.</p>
<p>“What would you like for breakfast, Doctor?” Garak got to his feet and began to re-do the clasps on the side of his tunic. “I managed to configure the replicator to put a lid on each of its mugs, so if we catch it before it falls out, there won’t be any spills or breakages.”</p>
<p>“Oh. Oh... coffee. Just coffee.”</p>
<p>Garak ordered him a raktajino, then handed him a protein-packed ration bar as well. “We have work to do today, Doctor; I won’t have you frail or faint.”</p>
<p>“Have you eaten?” Julian peeled open the ration bar’s wrapper and stuffed one end in his mouth. “Mm.” Mealy, meaty, savoury goodness.</p>
<p>Almost in reply, Garak ordered himself plomeek soup. He uncapped it and sat down next to Julian on the wonky mattresses. He managed only a sip of his coffee before it became apparent that he needed to visit the washroom. He came back relieved but uncomfortable, and muttered through his next sip, “The toilet’s almost on its side.”</p>
<p>“Perhaps,” Garak said, “our first order of business ought to be finding a better place to set down the shuttle.”</p>
<p>“Our <i>first</i> order of business,” Julian corrected, “is to set out solar panels to charge our power. I hate to think what would’ve happened if we couldn’t run the heater overnight.”</p>
<p>Garak gave him a slow, considerate look. “I’m certain I would’ve been fine. Cardassians might not be suited to low temperatures, but you, my dear Doctor, are exceptionally well-suited to a crisis.”</p>
<p>Julian tried not to blush. “I like a little drama. What can I say?”</p>
<p>“What <i>I</i> can say, Doctor, is thank you.”</p>
<p>Julian nudged his shoulder against Garak’s. “Anytime.”</p>
<p>Garak opened his mouth like he was about to reply, but only smiled. He nodded, and returned to his soup.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>“Still nothing?” Julian entered the cockpit from outside, wiping his greasy hands on a washcloth from his luggage. “Surely there’s something by now.”<p>Garak shook his head, still leaning over the shuttle’s piloting console, holding a bundle of cables in one hand. “No signal. No signal. No signal! Something about this setup, or something about this planet’s surface is preventing us from getting through. The waveform just hits the stratosphere and bounces back.”</p>
<p>“Some kind of greenhouse effect, maybe.”</p>
<p>“All I know is that I’ve had no luck, and if my attempts to amplify the signal achieve anything, it’s to drain our power faster.”</p>
<p>“I’ve put one-hundred-and-<i>two</i> tiny solar panels all over the roof, so that ought to help. But that does cut into our replicator rations a bit.”</p>
<p>“Perhaps we’ll have to sample the local cuisine after all.”</p>
<p>Julian bounced giddily on his heels. “Now <i>this</i> is a real getaway. Actually getting to <i>do</i> something, not just sitting around and filling out crossword puzzles. Uncharted territory to explore! Terra incognita!”</p>
<p>“If there is exploration to be done, I suggest you do it alone.” Garak hunkered down with his console and wires. “I’m certain I can amplify the signal if I just... figure... out... the right...”</p>
<p>He trailed off, engrossed in his project.</p>
<p>Julian patted him on the shoulder. “I’ll take my combadge with me. You have enough signal to contact me out there, don’t you?”</p>
<p>“Hm?” Garak glanced back. “Oh.” He hit a button and Julian’s Starfleet delta blipped from inside his open bag. “Don’t stray too far, Doctor. And, please—” He swivelled in his uneven chair, then flung his arms out to stop himself spinning all the way around with the momentum. “Be wary of the eeish.”</p>
<p>“<i>Feels</i>.”</p>
<p>“Whatever you care to call them. For all we know they’re as intelligent as me or you.”</p>
<p>“First contact. Wonderful.” Julian smiled and headed to get his badge. “I’m taking a tricorder, phaser, and a holo-imager. Maybe I’ll snap some good pictures.”</p>
<p>Garak chuckled from the pilot’s seat. “Your excitement will wear off soon enough, Doctor...”</p>
<p>“Maybe. But by then it’ll be time to go home to DS9, so that’s fine. Back later!”</p>
<p>Julian stepped out onto the tree root which arched over the swamp, and drew in a deep, muggy breath. He let it out with a glad sigh.</p>
<p>He followed the same path as they had last night, clambering from root to root, stretching wide steps between nearby trees. He had real boots on now, not sandals.</p>
<p>After he’d gone a short way, he turned around and recorded a holo-image of the downed shuttle. Garak was just about visible through the gaping door. Content with his first picture, Julian went onward through the jungle.</p>
<p>In full daylight, the jungle had a rich emerald colouring, with slashes of gold wherever the sun hit directly. The creatures in the water twinkled gold, as did the trunks of the trees and the ropes of the vines. The dirt that clung to his palms was green and dusty, and – Julian sniffed it – smelled like sea water. The whole place smelled different in the day, too. Now its aroma was reminiscent of any other Earth forest near water, with rotting mulch in wet corners, and the freshness of new growth mixed in. During the evening and night it had seemed much stranger.</p>
<p>Julian paused periodically and took readings with his tricorder. He searched for life forms, finding many thousands at first. There were insects of all kinds, and what the tricorder decided were fish, and the occasional land-dwelling, tree-scuttling shiny thing which his tricorder classed as a reptile, but no birds and no mammals. Based on that, Julian could make an assumption: this was a planet in the early stages of evolution. The feels... Ugh, alright, the <i>eeish</i> should be thoughtless enough that hunting one for food seemed acceptable. Of course, Julian preferred eating replicated meat, but he wasn’t averse to the occasional tube grub or plate of live gagh. A fish, or perhaps an eel, he could deal with. He had his phaser; he’d make it a quick death.</p>
<p>He wandered further and further, wanting to see how far he could go, and where the trees would lead. The jungle seemed to be entirely water-rooted. Having seen it from above yesterday, he knew it stretched for miles in all directions, but down here, the dense, random placement of the tree trunks prevented him from seeing farther than two hundred metres ahead.</p>
<p>After an hour’s walk, he paused with his feet on two different roots, holding his tricorder carefully. Perhaps the struggle Garak was having with the signal extended to tricorders, as the area Julian could scan was narrower than it should be. He scanned again, certain he’d seen a blip of a different colour on his screen.</p>
<p>There was... something else out here.</p>
<p>Closer.</p>
<p>Bigger.</p>
<p>It was right on the edge of the gadget’s range.</p>
<p>Julian moved forward for another five minutes, then stopped again. There it was, a shadow of a dot on his tricorder screen. It was there, then it wasn’t, and the tricorder couldn’t even show it properly. But it was blue, then green. Everything else was red, green, or yellow.</p>
<p>The next time Julian saw it, it was green again, but turned blue while in range.</p>
<p>He looked over his shoulder, but saw nothing.</p>
<p>Whatever it was, it was following him.</p>
<p>He started to leave the obvious path, making note of markers and mentally triangulating his point of origin. The creature was stalking him from the side. Julian considered heading back to the shuttle but didn’t want to lead it to Garak if the animal was dangerous.</p>
<p>Blue on the tricorder represented a mammal. If it knew to stay at the edge of the scanner’s reach, it was intelligent.</p>
<p>Julian weighed his options, and decided he’d be worse off if he let the creature chase him until he got lost. So he hid behind a tree and kept an eye on his tricorder screen, waiting.</p>
<p>The blue dot approached. It turned green. Then blue again. The scanner couldn’t tell if it was a reptile or a mammal.</p>
<p>Julian’s heart began to pound as his pursuer came close to the tree where he hid. It seemed to be sniffing for him – he could hear it.</p>
<p>Julian set his tricorder back into its holster and shifted his hand to his phaser, ready to draw. He gulped, gripping the tree for stability.</p>
<p>Here it came... Around the tree...</p>
<p>“Ah!” Garak seemed delighted. “There you are. I thought I’d never catch up.”</p>
<p>Julian stared.</p>
<p>Garak looked at the phaser pointed at him. “Don’t tell me. This was all a terrible ruse to get me here alone, where you might kill me and hide my body where your friends will never find it. Well, then, go on! I’ve lived a grisly life; you may as well put me out of my misery.”</p>
<p>“Garak,” Julian said flatly, tucking his disarmed phaser away. “You could’ve told me you were coming.”</p>
<p>“By the time I’d changed my mind you were long gone, and my comm-signal clearly didn’t get through. Tell me, for what reason did you slather yourself with cologne this morning? Surely there’s nobody to impress out here like there would be on Risa.”</p>
<p>Julian gaped at him, then forced a sheepish smile. “I suppose it is a waste of good product, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“But rather handy for tracking you down.”</p>
<p>“You must have a good nose,” Julian said, wandering onwards, with Garak two roots behind. “You and all other mammalian-reptilian hybrids.”</p>
<p>“Hybrids!” Garak sighed. “For a man as well versed in xenobiology as yourself, Doctor, you do manage to perpetuate some archaic stereotypes.”</p>
<p>“Do you lay eggs?” Julian wondered.</p>
<p>“Do <i>I</i>?”</p>
<p>“Cardassians.”</p>
<p>“Perhaps you ought to ask one you haven’t just <i>insulted</i>.”</p>
<p>Julian smiled, but glanced back. “Sorry. Maybe I’m not translating properly.”</p>
<p>“You’re translating fine, Doctor. If a bit crass.”</p>
<p>“Hey!”</p>
<p>“How would you feel if I described your species as Cardassians, but weak and smooth?”</p>
<p>“I’d say it makes sense, because you’re using your own cultural experience as a reference to categorise others. It helps you understand and communicate what I am. I’d say it even helps reduce xenophobia for Humans among Cardassians, as it offers a way to relate. Humans <i>are</i> like Cardassians, but generally weaker, and without the ridges.”</p>
<p>“Speaking of ridges,” Garak said. “Look.”</p>
<p>Julian looked where Garak pointed, and his heart flipped. “A hill!”</p>
<p>“I hope you brought climbing equipment.”</p>
<p>“Oh, it’s not too steep. We can help each other up.”</p>
<p>They made their way a few hundred metres towards the hill and into the shadow of the land mass. There were different grassy plants growing on its side, and the occasional crooked tree popped out and craned towards the sun.</p>
<p>Julian led the way, using the plants as handholds. Garak followed, and Julian reached back to assist him whenever he found a stable standing space.</p>
<p>The hill was about eight times Julian’s height, but they made it to the top within a few minutes. Once there, he and Garak stood in relief, then exhilaration, as they took in the new landscape of their as-yet uncharted world.</p>
<p>“The trees are different here,” Julian said in marvel, wandering onto crumbly brown turf. He reached up to stroke the leaf of what seemed very much like an olive tree. It grew amongst siblings, and taller parents...</p>
<p>As they wandered forward, they came to a brighter clearing. They both moved into the light instinctively – and while Garak’s smile spread wide, Julian laughed for joy.</p>
<p>“What do you think?” Julian asked, gamboling into the two-hundred-metre opening with arms spread wide as he spun around. Golden-green grasses tugged at his boots but didn’t catch, leaving him free to dance. He shouted back, “Big enough for a shuttle? And an awning, and a fire, and—? Yes?”</p>
<p>“Big enough,” Garak said, beaming.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. A Fine Gentleman</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The world only got hotter as the day went on. Julian regretted leaving the shuttle without a supply of water. While Garak kept his tunic on for most of the journey back to the ship, he removed it entirely before they managed to fly their battered craft out of the jungle. Now Garak sat and co-piloted in his usual trousers and a sleeveless vest, radiating heat.</p>
<p>“Easy does it... Watch the port engine, I can hear something rattling.” Julian strained to see out of the broken viewscreen. “Where do you think we should make camp? Right bang in the middle of the clearing?”</p>
<p>“Sheltered on one side,” Garak suggested. “Have the door open to the clearing.”</p>
<p>The shuttle came down gently and carefully, and, once in position, landed awkwardly with a thump, then a whirr, then a <i>clank</i>. Julian leaned back with a gratified sigh, hands sinking back into his hair and scrubbing. “Welcome to your home for the next two weeks, Garak.”</p>
<p>“The view could use some work,” Garak mused, eyeing the empty grassland. “I’ll clear the grass away so there’s a place for a fire. If you feel up to the task, I suggest you find us something to eat.”</p>
<p>“Aye-aye,” Julian said, already up and ready to go. “We’re in a whole new biome up here. I’ll scan to see if any plants are edible.”</p>
<p>He stood and undid his shirt, then looked through his luggage for shorts. Having found some, he shucked off his trousers and—</p>
<p>“OH!” Garak turned away in a hurry. “Oh, apologies. Do forgive me.”</p>
<p>“Garak, you’re a tailor! You’ve seen my bare legs before. A dozen times.”</p>
<p>“Yes, but, not while you’re— Some warning, perhaps—”</p>
<p>Julian snickered in amusement. “Look, Garak, we’re stuck here for God knows how long. Two weeks, certainly. But it might be much longer than that. It’s not like on Risa, where we’d have separate rooms in our hut and we’d only share meals and a bathroom. We’re sleepi—” He paused to rephrase. “Um. Okay, maybe it’s a bold assumption, but I don’t think you’re about to face a cold night alone anytime soon.” Blushing, he buttoned up his shorts – a nice yellow pair he’d wanted to wear for years. “The living situation is going to get a bit too close for comfort around here. And I figure we go one of two ways: one, we end up uncomfortable and embarrassed, or, two, we stop caring.”</p>
<p>Garak gave Julian a plaintive look. “Suit yourself, Doctor. I planned for two weeks wherein I don’t have to change my entire personality in order to survive. I myself would like to <i>remain</i> a gentleman, and will continue to avert my eyes upon seeing another man removing his trousers.”</p>
<p>The only responses Julian could summon were “<i>I don’t mind if you look</i>” and “<i>I was going to take my top off as well, actually</i>” but he doubted either was appropriate to say to a <i>gentleman</i>, so he said nothing. He slowly shut his mouth, and looked down to shyly fold up the clothes he’d pulled out of his bag.</p>
<p>“Meet back here in two hours,” Garak said, going to the replicator. “Gardening gloves, large.”</p>
<p>The tiny replicator provided one glove at a time.</p>
<p>Julian patted Garak on the back, then gathered a bottle of water, his phaser, and holstered his tricorder. The camera, he left behind.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>To his great glee, Julian discovered there were a number of edible plants in the vicinity, some wet and chewy with a peppery flavour, some more like leafy lettuce, some he wanted to call cucumbers – if cucumbers were a citrusy root vegetable.<p>Having mentally and gastronomically catalogued the immediate area and collected a dozen nutty-olives from the trees, one pocket of his shorts was full of snacks to munch on. Next he began the search for fresh water, and hopefully some eeish. Not that he’d ever admit such things to his fellow Federationers, but even if there were vegetarian options available, he was deeply curious to find out what the eeish tasted like.</p>
<p>He wandered around their new campsite, then through the middle of the field to see what was on the other side. He passed the shuttle, all shiny and white in the dusty yellow meadow. The whole field rippled in the breeze.</p>
<p>Breathing in sweet air to the base of his lungs, Julian thought to himself that this was a stimulating, if temporary, home to have. A downed and broken shuttlecraft! No way to contact help! No company but an alien spy! A whole world to explore and a new lifestyle to cultivate! Julian’s teenage self would’ve been out of his mind with excitement. Julian’s current self was, too, but stopped at a massive grin.</p>
<p>Julian noted that Garak had done as promised, and cleared a space for a fire four metres from the shuttle’s missing door. The grass had been scraped away to bare soil with a gardening tool, forming a neat square three metres across. Gosh, it must’ve been backbreaking work. Julian stood on the dirt patch and looked around.</p>
<p>“Garak?” he called.</p>
<p>No response.</p>
<p>He poked his head into the shuttle and called, “Garak, are you in here?”</p>
<p>He knocked on the washroom door. “Hello?”</p>
<p>He opened the door but the tiny room was vacant.</p>
<p>Julian went back out and scanned for life on his tricorder. He narrowed his focus to the blue-green dot. “Oh. Where’ve <i>you</i> gone?”</p>
<p>Garak’s dot was some distance away, further into the woodland. Julian popped a nutty-olive into his mouth and started on his trek that way.</p>
<p>Deep under the cover of breeze-swept trees, he sensed the water before he saw it: he could smell it, and heard the sloshing of a creature breaking its surface. His first thought was that there were <i>bigger</i> eeish up here. His second was that this place was... really very beautiful. Sunlight danced in patches across bark-strewn stretches of dirt, grasses filled in spaces at the roots of trees, and vines curled across what seemed like pathways between the trees.</p>
<p>Julian clambered up an embankment and stood upon a ridge overlooking a pond.</p>
<p>And it was glorious.</p>
<p>Turquoise blue waters lapped at the roots of the ancient tree Julian leaned a hand against for balance. The water wasn’t entirely transparent, but still dazzlingly bright and clean. There were rocks and weeds in an array of colours at the bottom, tinting parts of it purple, emerald, or gold, and pretty, sparkly things – creatures besides eeish – swam in the depths. </p>
<p>Including one Cardassian.</p>
<p>Garak sang something cheerful to himself as he stood waist-deep, pouring water over his black hair. Rivulets ran down the scales on his back, zig-zagging in shining lines. He shone like marble, but moved like a man...</p>
<p>A beautiful man...</p>
<p>Julian’s breath caught as his focus released. He blinked rapidly and looked away, embarrassed he couldn’t be as much a <i>gentleman</i> as Garak.</p>
<p>“Garak,” he said.</p>
<p>Garak gasped aloud and spun around, clutching himself for privacy. Julian didn’t look at him directly.</p>
<p>“Don’t wander off,” Julian told him. “We might be the only dangerous animals out here, but you can still trip over and fall down a cliff, and I’d rather not deal with that.”</p>
<p>Garak was still trying to hide under his own hands, more focused on his chest than anything lower. “I— I was in need of a bath, I—”</p>
<p>“No need to explain.” Julian gawked down at his boots. “After clearing grass in this weather you must’ve been grubby and overheating. Is the water a nice temperature?”</p>
<p>“Ah. Yes, it’s perfect.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Julian shifted in place. “Oh, that’s good.”</p>
<p>Silence. Trees whispered. A hand-sized blue lizard looked at Julian from the nearby trunk, then disappeared into higher branches.</p>
<p>“You’d like it, Doctor,” Garak remarked. “The water.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I don’t doubt it. It would cool me right off.”</p>
<p>“You wouldn’t by chance want to join—”</p>
<p>“Aha!” Julian wrenched off his top and started unbuttoning his shorts. “Thought you’d never ask.”</p>
<p>Garak laughed gently. “In truth, I haven’t yet.”</p>
<p>“Oh, ask already.” Julian lifted a foot at a time to pull off his underwear.</p>
<p>“Join me, perhaps?”</p>
<p>“Don’t – mind – if – I – <i>do</i>.” Now assuredly naked, Julian scampered down the roots of the tree and waded into the water with a yelp, then a laugh when he misstepped and sank another metre and ended up treading water. He swam breast-stroke over to Garak, who crouched and eased backwards to hide himself under the water.</p>
<p>“How is it, Doctor?” Garak asked. He seemed to be blushing.</p>
<p>“Exquisite.” Julian sighed and flipped onto his back, arms spread so he could float. “Marvellous.” He glanced over curiously. “How is it for <i>strong, ridged Humans</i>?”</p>
<p>Garak, after a moment of disgruntlement, chuckled. “Cardassians do love to bathe to regulate their temperature on hot days.”</p>
<p>“Partially cold-blooded,” Julian confirmed. “Ambi-blooded? Makes sense.”</p>
<p>He swam around a bit, then looked over at Garak and saw he’d turned his back again to wash. Seeing an opportunity, Julian bobbed up to Garak, closer... closer... ready to pounce...</p>
<p>Garak’s unaffected voice reached him. “You’re not as quiet as you think you are, Doctor.”</p>
<p>Julian stood up on the weedy pond base. “Well then, I must be cacophonous, because I know for a fact Cardassians don’t have great hearing.”</p>
<p>“My hearing is good; yours is simply better,” Garak said. He still faced away, which to Julian seemed like a demonstration of both trust and distrust: he felt safe enough to look elsewhere and leave his back unguarded, but not comfortable enough to show himself unclothed.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry if you don’t want me here,” Julian said quietly.</p>
<p>Garak turned. “When did I ever say that?”</p>
<p>Garak’s chest was bare and broad with a ragged spoon-shaped ridge on his breastbone – and, not surprising for a reptile, he had no nipples – but did have a line of scales leading down his middle...</p>
<p>Oh, Julian was blushing too hot to bear. He averted his eyes.</p>
<p><i>Gentlemanly</i>. See! He could do it!</p>
<p>“Sorry,” Julian said again, this time for ogling at Garak undressed.</p>
<p>“Now we’re even,” Garak said assuringly. With a sly smile, he scooped up some water and turned his back again.</p>
<p>“Even?” Julian huffed through a smile. “We’re not even. You saw me naked coming down here. So that’s twice you’ve seen me undressed today.”</p>
<p>“If I did see you entirely naked, then I shan’t mention it.”</p>
<p>“But then I can’t mention how I can see under the water, as well. And when I lowered my eyes, maybe I saw the rest of you by mistake.”</p>
<p>Garak’s shoulders slumped as he sighed. “A fine gentleman you are.”</p>
<p>Julian eased up behind him, grinning lopsidedly. Soft, hot words wafted to the back of Garak’s ear: “Maybe I’m not <i>trying</i> to be a gentleman.”</p>
<p>“Oh?” Garak asked, inquisitive.</p>
<p>“Yes.” Julian sensed Garak’s temperature increase, and his heartbeat picking up. His neck moved as he swallowed. “Yes, Garak, I’m really... a <i>monster</i>!” Julian shouted and leapt upon Garak’s back to hug him, blaring laughter. Garak stiffened, and he was strong enough to take Julian’s weight, so Julian kept clinging to him, full of glee.</p>
<p>Garak managed to laugh a few times, but not as much as Julian.</p>
<p>Still giggly, Julian slowly let go, wondering if he’d gone too far.</p>
<p>He’d assumed they were playing – because they were always playing, always pushing each other to the edge of the limits of polite conversation, to the edge of anger, to the edge of their friendship, and yet somehow never breaking it. Suddenly being naked together in a pond while knowing they had only each other for company for the foreseeable future seemed a bit more significant than banter about books over lunch before getting back to work.</p>
<p>“That... was a bit intimate, wasn’t it?” Julian said softly. “Me jumping on you.”</p>
<p>Garak glanced back halfway, barely making eye contact. He nodded, head down. Then looked away.</p>
<p>“Sorry if I—”</p>
<p>“It’s all right,” Garak interrupted. His eyes didn’t rise past Julian’s nose. “As you’ve said: we either become embarrassed and uncomfortable, or we... cease to care.”</p>
<p>Julian wavered in the water, unsure how to react.</p>
<p>“Come, Doctor.” Garak gestured Julian towards the bank. “Let us dress <i>without</i> looking at each other, and salvage at least some of our dignity.”</p>
<p>Julian smirked, meeting Garak’s eyes. There was a twinkle of amusement there, thank God.</p>
<p>They waded forth, and dressed facing away from each other. All the while, Julian vowed never to say a word about the fact he really, <i>really</i> wanted to look.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Do Cardassians Purr?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garak had long wanted to try weaving, but besides fabric latticework for outfit details, he’d never had the opportunity. As he went through this new alien forest, gathering edible plants into the bundled-up front of his tunic, he made mental notes on which of the grasses might be useful for making a basket or a bag. Then he wouldn’t end up with soil on his clothes, as he had now.</p>
<p>He returned to their camp by way of the freshwater pond in order to wash the food. Julian had set up a circle of rocks, started a fire in the centre, and dug cooking pots out of their emergency packs by the time Garak got back. They were small pots, but had handles to hang them from a branch over the fire.</p>
<p>With some quiet surprise, Garak saw that there was a phaser-burned eeish lain across the firewood, scales sizzling with fat, eyes smoking over. Garak smiled to himself, gaze drifting to look at Dr. Bashir crouched beside the flames: an innocent and good man, so easily swayed by curiosity and hunger.</p>
<p>The sun began to descend as they sat on the step of the shuttle to eat. The heat from the fire just about reached them there, and they stayed pressed together in the doorway, so the chill wasn’t unpleasant. Julian got up once to fetch the silver blankets, and draped them both over Garak’s shoulders before joining him again.</p>
<p>The food was hot, the drinks were sweet, and complete nourishment such as this sustained Garak’s body against the cold far longer than he could have borne it otherwise.</p>
<p>“There’s something to be said,” Julian remarked, eyes ashine with the first stars as he looked up into the purple evening sky, “for living off the land absolutely. The plants and animals here are perfectly suited to their environment, since they evolved with properties designed to survive the difference in temperature between day and night. High fat content, high water content. Proteins of all kinds. I wouldn't be surprised if eating what lives here makes living here easier for us.”</p>
<p>“I’d hate to be an eeish now that we’ve arrived.”</p>
<p>“We can breed them,” Julian said. “Somehow.”</p>
<p>Garak chuckled. “You sound as if you’re planning for a ‘vacation’ longer than two weeks.”</p>
<p>Julian ought to have laughed, but Garak peeked at him and saw only the sliver of a smile. Julian hugged his knees, eyes set on the crackle of the pinkish-orange fire. “It’s not really a holiday, is it?” he said, distantly. “You said earlier today, you planned for two weeks where you didn’t have to change anything to survive. But we might need to do exactly that. This... could be our lives for longer than we expect. We can’t get a signal out, so the <i>minimum</i> we have to wait is a fortnight. Maybe it won’t be! Maybe we’ll be rescued in no time at all. But...” He drew a breath, then looked carefully into Garak’s eyes. “I think we need to be prepared for this to last. We need to plan ahead. Long-term. We can’t just hunt the fauna to extinction. We can’t just pluck the trees of fruit and not plant more. We need to—”</p>
<p>“We need to make ourselves at home.”</p>
<p>Julian grinned fully this time. “Well, when you put it like that...”</p>
<p>“I think you’re quite correct, Doctor.”</p>
<p>Julian hugged his knees tighter, sullen.</p>
<p>“Not so exciting anymore?” Garak asked.</p>
<p>“Oh, it is,” Julian replied. “But just between you and me, I’m...” he chuckled, embarrassed, “I’m a little bit scared.”</p>
<p>Garak gave him an assuring smile. “Doctor, if you weren’t afraid of what was to come, I’d be better off without you.”</p>
<p>Julian caught his gaze, relaxing. His brown skin glowed magenta-bronze in the firelight, with the shine in his eyes twice as bright. He picked up his hot chocolate mug and lifted it in a toast. “To adventure.”</p>
<p>Garak hummed and lifted his own sugary Earl Grey, as to his dismay there was no other tea available in the replicator. “To enjoyable company.” They clinked their mugs together, then drank.</p>
<p>Julian held his mug after, thinking.</p>
<p>“What’s on your mind?” Garak asked, sensing Julian holding back questions.</p>
<p>“Oh... Oh, it’s nothing.”</p>
<p>“Doctor?”</p>
<p>Julian huffed. “It’s— You’ll laugh. But... you can’t have babies, can you?”</p>
<p>“Pardon me?”</p>
<p>“I mean, if we needed to start a little commune down here. That’s what people say to do when you’re stuck on a deserted island, or the whole of a species is wiped out. You repopulate.”</p>
<p>Garak stared at him. “You want me to breed with you?”</p>
<p>“No! No, I— Just in case!”</p>
<p>“Of what?! There’s still a universe of Humans and Cardassians out there, Doctor. And children would be mere mouths to feed for many years; they’d be no help to us.”</p>
<p>Julian’s skin was too fire-bright to show a blush, but he acted like he was blushing, eyes darting around, biting his lip. “Just a thought. That’s all.”</p>
<p>Garak, heart warmed, began to smile. “Perhaps our offspring <i>would</i> be strong and smooth. Or weak and ridged.”</p>
<p>“Cardassi-Humans?”</p>
<p>“Humassians.”</p>
<p>“Ugh.”</p>
<p>“I don’t like it much either.” Garak sipped his tea. He let the silence reign for a while. Then he added, to soothe Julian’s over-eager curiosity and prevent further questions, “I doubt you and I could breed. Certainly not without significant scientific intervention.”</p>
<p>Julian smirked into his hot chocolate. “And wouldn’t that be a whole new frontier...”</p>
<p>Garak let the conversation end.</p>
<p>They passed another twenty minutes finishing their drinks and bantering about how inappropriate the clothing they’d packed was turning out to be. Julian’s selection was all lightweight patterned shirts and vests and shorts, while Garak had his usual embroidered tunics and trousers.</p>
<p>“I did pack pyjamas,” Julian said, “but they’d be barely any help on cold nights. I patched the gap in the door so the heat will stay in, though. I could do pyjamas.”</p>
<p>Garak was about to reply, but shut his mouth as he’d started to shiver.</p>
<p>Julian noticed. “Go inside before all the day’s heat escapes. I’ll sort the fire out.”</p>
<p>Garak got up from the step and went into the shuttle without argument. Julian was a few minutes, and came back reeking of woodsmoke, with dirt and ash on his boots from putting out the fire.</p>
<p>He sealed the door as he had last night, but with a different sealer this time. Now it would peel off more easily, and could be replaced. Julian had extended the blanket with—</p>
<p>“Doctor,” Garak said, calmly, as fury boiled up through him. “What, pray, possessed you when you chose your method of sealing the gap?”</p>
<p>“What?” Julian looked back from the replicator as he returned their mugs. “Oh. Yes. Sorry about that. I thought it best not to tell you.”</p>
<p>Garak stared at one of his tunics, which had been stitched and made into part of the curtain. “I see...”</p>
<p>Julian sensed the restrained anger and his face tensed. “Look, I really am sorry, Garak, but all of my clothes are <i>skimpy</i> compared to yours, and we don’t have any more fabric on hand besides medical bandages. I wasn’t about to get into an argument about which clothes you’d rather give up. It was the tunic or your life, I’m afraid. So I chose the tunic.”</p>
<p>Garak glared at him. “Did it not occur to you to assign me the task?”</p>
<p>“It did. And I thought it would upset you. I figured I’d spare you. And if you’re angry about that, fine, but I stand by my decision.”</p>
<p>“Spare—! HA! Stand by it, by all means! By all means, Doctor! What <i>upsets</i> me, dear Doctor, is seeing—” Garak bent to thumb at the stitching. “Seeing this! This shoddy stitchwork. I have never seen worse in my life.”</p>
<p>Julian looked both relieved and bothered when Garak straightened.</p>
<p>“It’s not that bad,” Julian said defiantly. “It’s pretty decent, actually.”</p>
<p>“It is hideous,” Garak said. “And you could’ve chosen the grey tunic; that would’ve at least looked better against the silver.”</p>
<p>“Well sor-<i>ry</i>,” Julian retorted. “I think maybe I prioritised the thickness of the fabric over how it <i>looks</i>.” He turned away, radiating frustration.</p>
<p>Garak smiled at the doctor’s turned back. He drew in a deep breath, and let it go audibly. “Perhaps... if you would so allow me... I might repeat your attempts. There’s a green tunic somewhere that could back the grey one and create better insulation.”</p>
<p>Julian looked at him in surprise. His lips parted, then he blinked a few times. “Oh,” he said. “Yes. Yes, if you want— Of course.”</p>
<p>“Tomorrow, then. After I make another attempt with our distress signal.”</p>
<p>Julian nodded.</p>
<p>Still smiling, Garak passed Julian and touched his arm as he went.</p>
<p>They met in the washroom a few minutes later, once Julian was in his pyjamas. Since the shuttle was warmer than last night, Garak had comfortably undressed to his undershirt and britches.</p>
<p>Julian edged over to let Garak stand beside him at the basin. While Julian brushed his teeth, Garak combed his shoulder-length hair. They both watched each other in the mirror, faces lit with cool fluorescent light from above. Garak could tell Julian was trying not to look at him for too long, or too closely.</p>
<p>The experience was pleasant, in a way. They were both tired from the day, and had no desire to speak, and nothing to say. So they stood side-by-side and preened themselves – slowly, no rush. Garak combed for longer than he needed to, simply for the privilege of remaining in Julian’s company. Julian leaned close to the mirror and checked his clean teeth with a tense grin, then bristled his fingers through his stubble. Garak was fascinated by this.</p>
<p>“If you don’t mind me asking: does it grow all the time?” Garak said. “Your facial hair.”</p>
<p>Julian looked back in surprise. “Yes.”</p>
<p>“Even when you sleep?”</p>
<p>Julian grinned. “Yes.”</p>
<p>“Ah. That explains...”</p>
<p>Garak trailed off, unwilling to admit he’d spent nearly an hour staring at Julian’s face in slumber that morning, wondering a thousand things about him.</p>
<p>Julian smirked. “When I was little I used to watch my dad shaving.” He reached into the toiletry pouch he’d brought, and lifted out an item like a pen but with a bulbous head. “It always seemed mesmerising to me.”</p>
<p>The item he held began to whirr softly, and he set it to his cheek.</p>
<p>Now Garak couldn’t pretend not to look: he stared in awe as Julian’s facial hair disappeared into the buzzing contraption.</p>
<p>“Electric shaver,” Julian said, when he saw Garak staring. “It’s cutting the hair very close to my skin.”</p>
<p>“Fascinating.”</p>
<p>He even shaved his neck, and suddenly he looked much cleaner, and younger. He seemed to sparkle now.</p>
<p>He washed his face in the basin, applied a small amount of lotion, and then inhaled deeply. He gave Garak a smile in the mirror and lay a hand on his back. “See you in bed?”</p>
<p>Garak nodded.</p>
<p>Julian left the washroom, and Garak felt his heart floating. He’d not been certain whether they’d sleep together again, as a warmer cabin meant they could potentially sleep in the pilots’ chairs. But if Julian was the one to suggest they share, Garak would assume having someone close had felt comforting to him as well. It had been years since Garak had enjoyed that, and he knew Julian forever craved people in his bed. Granted, the doctor’s intimate company was invariably limited to those who identified as women, but these were exceptional circumstances. Exceptions were being made.</p>
<p>When Garak returned to the cockpit he discovered Julian in conversation with himself.</p>
<p>“—And I’ll have to make a written and illustrated diagram of the edible plants, possibly analog rather than digital in case of power failures, so we’d better reserve some replicator rations for paper. And Garak can fashion it into a logbook.”</p>
<p>“Making mental notes, Doctor?” Garak asked as he dropped his used underwear on the floor next to Julian’s, then returned his self-care items to his luggage.</p>
<p>“Recording a personal log,” Julian replied. He sat on the two stacked mattresses with his back to the wall. “You took so long in the washroom that I’m almost done.” He sniffed in a breath and added, “You know what I miss already? I miss Kukalaka.” Julian noticed Garak’s double-blink and reminded him, “My teddy bear. I didn’t pack him because I didn’t want to lose him on Risa, or have someone steal him at that medical conference I had lined up next. He’ll worry about me, I think, if I’m away from the station too long.”</p>
<p>Preoccupied, Julian held out an arm to his side, not looking at Garak.</p>
<p>Garak realised Julian was opening a space <i>for him</i>.</p>
<p>Garak went to his knees and shuffled onto the bed to sit beside Julian, who lay down and dragged Garak with him. They shuffled to get comfortable. This time Garak was trapped between Julian and the wall, which made him anxious. But Julian held him chest-to-chest, and sighed, unaware of Garak’s tension.</p>
<p>“At least we have each other,” Julian said. He smirked. “<i>You</i> can be my teddy bear.”</p>
<p>Garak forced a smile.</p>
<p>Julian noticed the tension at last, and withdrew his hands.</p>
<p>At that loss, Garak made an involuntary sound of want and regret – “R’hmm...” and then burned with embarrassment, scowling at himself for daring to make such a noise.</p>
<p>Julian started to grin. “At least I’m not the only one,” he said gently. He tucked the blankets up over Garak’s shoulders, then lay a palm on Garak’s chest. “Is this okay?”</p>
<p>Garak couldn’t respond, nor look at him. His body was rigid with despair, hating himself for giving away his wants like that.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Julian whispered. “I—” His breath caught. “I want to as well.”</p>
<p>
  <i>Want to...?</i>
</p>
<p>“Want to... what?” Garak asked.</p>
<p>“Touch.” Julian ran his hand up Garak’s chest to his neck ridges, then back down. He swallowed, eyes darting lower. Then he shuffled a few centimetres closer, so their legs touched under the covers. Julian was so blissfully warm. “I liked it last night.”</p>
<p>Garak tried not to let his eyes flutter closed but they did anyway, body relaxing as Julian stroked his chest over and over. His mind gradually unwound, and he could barely focus enough to remember he didn’t like closed-in spaces. The shuttle was bad enough, but being trapped between the wall and... Julian...</p>
<p>Dear Julian...</p>
<p>Warm... soft...</p>
<p>So gentle... And his touches were so very welcome, his rhythm soothing, his breath minty, his presence safe...</p>
<p>Garak relaxed entirely, and began to purr—</p>
<p>No! His eyes snapped open and he sat up, stiff from head to toe. His heart pounded, fists clutching the blankets.</p>
<p>“Garak...” Julian sat up too. “What was that? That noise?”</p>
<p>“Nothing.” Garak cleared his throat. “Phlegm.”</p>
<p>“No...” Julian reached to touch Garak’s chest again. “I felt it. Here. Something vibrated.”</p>
<p>Garak wrenched away. “It was nothing.”</p>
<p>“Garak—”</p>
<p>“It was nothing!” Garak got up and threw Julian the blankets. He stepped over him and paced away, then back, realising he could not leave. “I’ll sleep in the pilot’s chair.”</p>
<p>Julian sat in puddled blankets, at a loss. “Wh... What did I do wrong? Did I hurt you?”</p>
<p>Garak turned his back without a reply, afraid a single word would give away his vulnerability.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry if I did. But that noise—” Julian’s voice intensified with interest. “Garak, do Cardassians purr?”</p>
<p>“Purr!” Garak spun around to look at him. “<i>Purr</i>?! Like some lowly <i>pet</i> you have on Earth?”</p>
<p>“Well, what do you call it, then?”</p>
<p>“There is nothing to call anything! You must’ve sensed my stomach digesting that ridiculous animal you served me for dinner.”</p>
<p>Julian’s jaw set. “Computer, end personal log. Replay the thirty seconds of audio preceding the words ‘what was that?’”</p>
<p>The computer bleeped—</p>
<p>“Computer, belay that!” Garak snapped.</p>
<p>Julian stared at him.</p>
<p>Garak wrenched his face away, snorting in discomfort.</p>
<p>“Why are you so horrified?” Julian asked quietly. “Whatever that sound was, it must be natural. Why would you repress something that happens naturally?”</p>
<p>“Why would you shave your face when your hair grows ‘naturally’?”</p>
<p>“What?” Julian peered back, stumped by that. “Because that’s how I like to look. That’s how I got used to things in the Academy. Because that’s how—” He seemed to realise something, and spoke quietly as he finished, “Because that’s the behaviour society prescribed to me, and I got used to not rocking the boat.”</p>
<p>Garak hung his head, unwilling to look upon the man who’d just learned one too many things about him.</p>
<p>“Maybe I won’t shave for a while,” Julian said. “It’s not like it matters what I look like out here.”</p>
<p>Garak harrumphed. He still clung to the headrest of a pilot’s chair, which practically kept him upright. He was tired...</p>
<p>“I won’t tell anyone, Garak.” Julian sighed, and said, “Computer, erase everything after the words ‘at least we have each other’.”</p>
<p>The computer bleeped confirmation.</p>
<p>Julian looked at Garak expectantly.</p>
<p>“You will not make me... <i>purr</i>... again,” Garak told him, tone laden with distaste.</p>
<p>“I didn’t say I would,” Julian replied. “Just get over here, would you? Those chairs will give you a backache.”</p>
<p>“There’s no need for it, Doctor,” Garak said. “It’s perfectly warm in here.”</p>
<p>“You need both blankets, and if we sleep apart you’ll only have one.”</p>
<p>Garak took a blanket off Julian. “I’ll take my chances.”</p>
<p>“Fine, you do that,” Julian said testily. “But if you want to join me during the night, I’m <i>okay</i> with that.”</p>
<p>“Fine!” Garak snapped back.</p>
<p>“Good!” Julian threw himself down and buried himself under his single silver blanket. “Goodnight!”</p>
<p>“Good<i>night</i>.”</p>
<p>“Computer, lights!”</p>
<p>Dark.</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>Cold, dark, <i>tense</i> silence.</p>
<p>Three minutes.</p>
<p>Julian sat up. “Garak, I’m cold. And I know you’re worse off. Don’t say anything, just get over here. Damn your pride, alright? Damn both our prides. I. Am. <i>Cold</i>.”</p>
<p>Garak stomped off his chair and thumped onto the mattress, glad to be on the side with an escape route. He thrust himself against Julian and held him aggressively.</p>
<p>Julian remained rigid for a number of seconds, angry still. But then he relaxed and exhaled gently, and rested both hands on Garak’s chest. His face was lit only by the standby lights in the walls, but Garak could see his eyelids fluttering, lips parting...</p>
<p>Julian’s hand moved ever so slightly, perhaps by accident. It felt a lot like before, when he was stroking. Garak’s heart lifted and his emotions surged with want.</p>
<p>But Julian didn’t do it again. Resisting. Not wanting to upset Garak.</p>
<p>Garak shut his eyes and tried to sleep. For a while he paused at the edge of unconsciousness, and forgot himself and the world and the man before him, but then Julian took a deeper breath in, and Garak became hyper-aware of him, in a sleepy, distant way.</p>
<p>He stroked Julian’s hip with a thumb, back and forth. His pyjama top crinkled with each movement.</p>
<p>Julian <i>swallowed</i>. It seemed so loud in the dark, and Garak roused a bit so he could listen.</p>
<p>Garak wished his friend would stroke his chest again, but was afraid to move even a millimetre to encourage him. By now he was feigning relaxation, knowing that if he truly let go, his body would betray him and he’d be honest against his will.</p>
<p>It took a few minutes, but Garak eventually realised that Julian wasn’t relaxing either. Perhaps for the same reason.</p>
<p>Garak’s heartbeat picked up, spurred by the idea that Julian knew what he wanted. And of course Julian felt Garak’s heartbeat: his hand was right over it. If he knew what Garak wanted, why didn’t he provide?</p>
<p>Too kind. Always too kind. He was trying to let Garak save face.</p>
<p>Julian grew weary, however. It had been a terribly long day. He did... at last... start to slip away...</p>
<p>His hand slipped and crossed the ridge over Garak’s heart – and Garak <i>purred</i>, voluntarily. He let it go, loud and insistent, and he pushed into Julian and purred against him, face buried in shame against the mattress.</p>
<p>Julian roused from half-sleep.</p>
<p>“Hmmm, not like a cat,” Julian murmured dopily, running his open palm over Garak’s chest. “It’s reptilian. Rattly. <i>Metallic</i>, almost...”</p>
<p>Garak wanted him close too badly to argue. He’d let him compare this experience to his Terran experiences, if it helped. If it helped him focus on this...</p>
<p>Julian rubbed harder, and pushed more, and grinned against Garak’s forehead. “Do you like that? Being <i>petted</i>?”</p>
<p>“Don’t... patronise... me,” Garak growled.</p>
<p>“Oh, you can’t talk at the same time,” Julian realised. “Is it like humming?”</p>
<p>Garak purred louder and more indignantly, grunting once as he shoved Julian against the wall and purred at him. Of all things, Julian laughed. Giggled, really.</p>
<p>He relaxed now, soft in Garak’s arms. He stroked Garak’s cheek with delicate fingertips, and muttered, “Must feel <i>amazing</i> to let go, mustn’t it, Garak... How long have you been holding yourself back?”</p>
<p>Garak hated him for being so perceptive. “Don’t speak to me like that.”</p>
<p>“How many people have you ever trusted like this?”</p>
<p>“You flatter yourself.”</p>
<p>“I like the noise,” Julian said, still smiling, still enthralled. “It’s sort of relaxing.”</p>
<p>Garak grunted in acknowledgement. He had no fight left in him, and simply slumped into Julian’s side, arm over his skinny middle. “Let me sleep, Doctor, for pity’s sake.”</p>
<p>Julian chuckled. “Sleep, then.” A murmur: “I’ll still be here.”</p>
<p>Garak purred, and purred, but eventually let it peter out with a sigh.</p>
<p>Julian stroked Garak’s hair once, fingers through the sleek locks. Garak purred a little more, unable to help himself. Julian made a glad sound.</p>
<p>Garak finally dragged in a deep, blissful breath, sweet with the scent of him: the doctor, his friend.</p>
<p>And he slept, smiling, knowing Julian would soon sleep too.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>They woke to morning daylight, too hot. Nearly too hot to bear.<p>But they lingered, holding on, holding each other. Aware the other was awake.</p>
<p>They didn’t look at each other for the longest time.</p>
<p>Then Julian glanced up and Garak glanced down, and they shared a smile. Then a grin. Then a <i>laugh</i>.</p>
<p>Julian sat up, and glanced down with twinkles in his pretty green eyes. He said nothing.</p>
<p>Finally he pat-patted Garak’s chest, and got up to visit the washroom.</p>
<p>So Garak was left alone, exhilarated by the knowledge that he would only be alone for moments. And depending on how bad the signal into outer space would be today, or tomorrow, or the day after, there came the possibility that he might not have to be alone for a very, very long time.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. System On-Line</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Aha! Theeeere you are,” Julian said with glee, prying the once-stubbornly-integrated capsule of engine coolant out from the hull of the shuttle. “Garak be damned. Give me a day and a basic schematic, and mark my words, I <i>will</i> figure out how to build a refrigerator.”</p>
<p>He set the coolant aside and started tidying up the shuttle floor. He squatted in a grande plie in his underwear, surrounded by bolts and wires and pipes and switches, all things he’d pulled apart from the ship’s insides. It wasn’t like the shuttlecraft would ever be flown again in its current state, and they needed the resources.</p>
<p>The cockpit felt much larger after they removed the pilot chairs. They were planted outside now, facing the fire. Now there was room to work indoors, and more places to hang up their clothes, for which Garak had repurposed a pipe across the side of the cockpit. Their bed was now three folding mattresses high, with a wooden frame underneath for ventilation and extra storage.</p>
<p>Soon there would be a refrigerator. And, if Garak had his way, a potted plant.</p>
<p>Julian stood up and leaned over the ship’s console to peek through the side window. Garak was out there in the sweltering heat of midday, since he could bear it far better than Julian. He too was dressed only in his cotton underclothes, bending and straightening often. He lay down seed after seed on the towel pinned in the clearing, laying his collection out in the sun to dry for later eating, or planting.</p>
<p>Behind Garak was a space recently shorn of grass and tilled into rows, ready for seeds to be planted. The irrigation system was only half-completed, since Julian hadn’t gotten around to clicking hundreds of pieces of newly-replicated garden hose together.</p>
<p>The fire was lit despite the summertime shimmer in the air. The meat would be smoked to perfection come lunchtime.</p>
<p>Inside, Julian packed all the useful technological tidbits away in his open suitcase for later tinkering, and eased the case under the bed.</p>
<p>He wandered to the open shuttle door and leaned sideways on the frame, arms folded, smiling out at Garak.</p>
<p>One look at the sky foretold a night with no rain. Even so, Julian could put off the irrigation for another day or five. They’d been here three weeks and counting, and it had rained often enough that he and Garak argued about how necessary watering the plants really was. Garak, the gardener, liked to rely on his own judgement and not random chance and changes in the weather. But the longer they’d been here, the more they <i>had</i> been relying on <i>all</i> of those things.</p>
<p>Early on, Julian had reset one of the shuttle’s clocks to match the planet’s nineteen-and-a-half-hour day. But just from his cataloguing of the life around them, he no longer needed to look at the clock. Lizards hissed and rattled their tails as the dawn began to rise, then blue bottle-bugs started to chirrup around ten o’clock once the frost had fully melted. The eeish came to the water’s surface once the heat reached its peak, often around eleven-thirty, followed by the knotted-string-flies – which came out at midday and left at dusk, lest they be preyed upon by various gliding lizards, who were practically camouflaged against a lilac afternoon sky by mirrored scales. The nutty-olive trees closed up their leaves about an hour before the sun went down. The red moths or the white moths, depending on the temperature, were interchangeable, their arrival signalling the night. One glance upwards to the sky or outwards into the forest let Julian calculate the time. And he and Garak moved with just as much regularity and predictability as the other creatures, as there were good times and bad times to do certain things.</p>
<p>Collecting water from the pool to boil back at the camp was best done before the eeish surfaced, as they tended to approach in sleepy, curious ways, and catching one was as easy as scooping one up along with the drinking water. So far the wooden buckets and basins Garak had cobbled together were holding fast. He was still working on the bathtub, but it was coming along, hidden in the shade of the woven-grass awning propped up outside the shuttle’s door.</p>
<p>Still in the shade of that awning, Julian felt hot smoke prickle at his cheeks. He inhaled, and his mouth watered. “Garak,” he called. “I think lunch is ready.”</p>
<p>“Already?” Garak straightened. “I’ve barely started.”</p>
<p>“Take a break, would you? I did tell you to rest.”</p>
<p>Garak sighed and set aside the rest of his zebra-striped gourd seeds for later processing. He approached the shuttle’s awning, massaging his bandage-wrapped hand. Julian held out his own hand and took Garak’s into his own to examine it.</p>
<p>“Before you ask, Doctor,” Garak said lightly, “I’ve kept it dry and wrapped tight. It hasn’t bothered me so much.”</p>
<p>Julian took a peek under the bandage and nodded. “It’s looking okay. I think the precious little healing the dermal regenerator did is holding steady. Eat something— Here, sit. I’ll serve.”</p>
<p>Julian went to the side of the shuttle and elbowed a projecting pipe, which rotated a spigot with a squeak. From the pipe’s opening below flowed a middling trickle of water, and Julian hastily scrubbed his hands under it, washing every nook and cranny, including between his fingers, the backs of his hands, his wrists, and under his nails. He rinsed, then elbowed the faucet off and shook his hands dry.</p>
<p>He went to the fire, and from the skewer over the flames, he lifted a well-cooked, un-boned eeish, and slid it onto the salad-dressed plate Garak held out. A knife and fork divvied up the food, and, as usual, Julian got the head end, because Garak didn’t like looking at the creature’s eyes.</p>
<p>They sat on their pilots’ chairs, by the fire but in the shade of the awning. They wrapped the meat in alien lettuce and seasoned it with alien chives, then knocked their alien tacos together in cheers, and dug in.</p>
<p>“What do you think?” Julian asked, eyeing the pinkest part of the sky, where usually there were clouds, but today there were none. “Think there’ll be rain tomorrow? Definitely none tonight.”</p>
<p>“Before you set up the hoses, certainly.”</p>
<p>“Heyyyy, I’ll do it when I do it. It’s not like you’ve remembered to clean the toilet.”</p>
<p>“I’ve told you I’ll clean the toilet after we’ve processed and buried the sewage,” Garak replied. “And, please, Doctor, might we discuss something else over a meal?”</p>
<p>“So when are we going to discuss it, then? We’re either busy working or you just want to relax.”</p>
<p>“Don’t you? Don’t you wish to sit and discuss something pleasant, after everything? Talk about the book you’ve been reading. Talk about the new plant you found. Talk about the food. Please.”</p>
<p>Julian gave him a dull look. “I’m not trying to nag you, Garak. I know you’re tired – I am too! But—”</p>
<p>“But! But!” Garak huffed. “Always a ‘but’.”</p>
<p>“<i>But</i>—” Julian chewed on his food and sighed through his nose. He glanced away, then shook his head. “Your Cardassian adventure books never go into details like these. It’s like you only want to see the glory of it all, the winning and the surviving and the triumph. Where’s the gritty, grim passage about dragging a sewage tank out of a shuttlecraft and digging what’s essentially a grave to bury the dehydrated waste in a place it won’t poison anything, hm?”</p>
<p>“Doctor...”</p>
<p>“Okay, okay, sorry. Eating. Eating and not thinking about it.”</p>
<p>“How would you tell this tale, I wonder?” Garak looked across at Julian, pale blue eyes glowing with reflected sunlight. “Would you not condense it to the highlights, the moments we fought against the wilderness and came out on top?”</p>
<p>“Starfleet’s going to want to know why I pulled their shuttle apart, so no. My report explains you got sick from water poisoning, so we needed to repurpose the ship’s air filters to filter the water. My report explains how you spent the night feverish, and I couldn’t sleep, so I took apart the wall panels for something to do while looking after you. My report says I – I was <i>worried</i>. My report—” Julian crunched on a little bone until it was swallowable. “I’d say that I miss home. That your company is keeping me sane right now. That I’d be going out of my mind without you. Part of the triumph here, Garak, is that we <i>have</i> overcome things, difficult things, and the full effect of that is lost unless I detail how unpleasant certain tasks are. The low moments of this <i>are</i> the highlights, because we’re still here to tell the tale afterwards.”</p>
<p>A fleck of oily seasoning landed on his lower lip, and he licked it into his mouth. Before he could go in for another bite, however, he felt Garak’s thumb on his chin, swiping—</p>
<p>“What?” Julian asked in surprise.</p>
<p>“Just something you missed,” Garak said, cleaning Julian’s chin with that thumb.</p>
<p>Garak moved his thumb to his own mouth and sucked it clean. He got back to his own food, careless, as if he thought nothing of what he’d just done.</p>
<p>Julian was too shocked to react.</p>
<p>But Garak didn’t even notice. He’d started talking about his overly-idealistic Cardassian adventure novels, and waving a hand in emphasis. There was nothing in his voice to indicate he’d done anything out of the ordinary, as if it wasn’t strange, or exceptionally intimate, to eat food off someone else’s face.</p>
<p>Well, Garak didn’t think it meant anything.</p>
<p>Maybe it wasn’t a big deal.</p>
<p>Julian knew he’d been seeing too much through his Human eyes, and had much to learn about other perspectives. One heart-flutter-inducing gesture to him might be meaningless to Garak. And clearly it was.</p>
<p>So it was nothing. It was normal. They could swipe food off each other’s faces and eat it. That was just what friends did.</p>
<p>His heart kept on dancing.</p>
<p>“—But despite it all, you seem to be enjoying yourself, I think,” Garak finished.</p>
<p>Julian realised he hadn’t listened, and couldn’t even scrub back through his memory to lip-read or piece together an echo. His head had filled with brown noise upon seeing Garak lick his own thumbpad, and only now did the fuzz leave. “Wha...?”</p>
<p>“At least, that is my impression.” Garak looked at him, bright-eyed. “You seem as lively as you ever were, those first years I knew you on the station. If anything, being here appears to have rejuvenated you – set a flame to your wick once more. I know how eagerly you heed the call of adventure and I can’t imagine a better setting for you to live out your fantasies.” Garak looked back to his food, smiling.</p>
<p>“Fantasies...” Julian’s eyes lowered to Garak’s lip. Slick with fat; shiny. He gulped. “Um.”</p>
<p>“You must be thrilled,” Garak said, “that our rescue party is a week overdue. No doubt your friends know we’re missing by now.”</p>
<p>“Well, I suppose. I’m not <i>thrilled</i>, exactly... I’m a bit impatient for them to show up. But I know we’d survive, if it does take them longer. Weeks. Months, even.” He hesitated, but then looked out on their soon-to-be-planted crops. “Years.”</p>
<p>Garak’s eyes crinkled in a smile and he hummed a laugh. “It won’t take them years. Even months would be a stretch. They’ll be out looking for us already. Any day now they’ll find us, even without a homing signal.”</p>
<p>Julian scoffed.</p>
<p>“You don’t think so?” Garak pried.</p>
<p>“Oh, I think so. They’ll find us no matter what. But you said it perfectly, didn’t you. Out here I can restart my life from scratch, where fitting in and pretending to be like everyone else doesn’t matter: where being <i>exactly</i> who I am is a plus and not a minus. There’s something different to do every day, something that <i>matters</i>. Harsh wilderness! Real-world puzzles! Someone to care for – medically, emotionally. Someone who cares for <i>me</i>. Who I can <i>talk</i> to. Could talk to forever, if only time and circumstance would let me. Why would I want anyone to find us? This is my perfect life. The <i>last</i> thing I want is for this to end.”</p>
<p>Julian realised a second after those words left his mouth how utterly <i>selfish</i> they were.</p>
<p>He looked away and shut his eyes, terrified to see Garak’s reaction. He burned in the heat of his own shame. All that filled the silence was the hiss of the animals in the forest, and the click of the fire. Garak exhaled, once.</p>
<p>Julian tossed the rest of his food into the fire and got up in a rush, refusing to look at Garak. “I’m going to work on the signal. Excuse me.”</p>
<p>He strode up the step into the cooler shuttle, feeling Garak’s eyes on his back.</p>
<p>He buried himself in work and blocked out everything: emotion, thought, theory. He grubbied his hands and burned his fingers in hitching the emergency homing beacon to the shuttle’s hull, transforming the whole ship into a giant antenna. He ran a current through the metal, boosting the power, then boosting it again and again until it fried a circuit and sparked. Wire ends smacked the metal floor – and Julian began again.</p>
<p>Three hours in, he sensed Garak’s presence behind him.</p>
<p>“Enough for today,” Garak said gently, sitting on the edge of the bed. “The sun’s going down soon.”</p>
<p>“I’m not done,” Julian said.</p>
<p>“There’s nothing else to be done,” Garak replied. “You’ve drained the power. The hot water’s out of order.”</p>
<p>“I need to reconnect the beacon. I’ll leave it running overnight.”</p>
<p>“You’ve burned it, Julian. Don’t you smell it? It needs repairs.”</p>
<p>“I’ll repair it.”</p>
<p>“Not tonight.”</p>
<p>“I’m not staying here!” Julian turned around at last, kneeling, furious. “I’m not forcing you into a life of toil and destitution because I didn’t work hard enough at this, didn’t try hard enough, didn’t put enough <i>effort</i> into getting us both off this godforsaken patch of dirt and back into space where we belong.”</p>
<p>Garak gave him a kind and understanding look, which to Julian seemed a cruel thing to do. “Right now, Doctor, you belong here. You belong by the fire so we can eat together before the night grows cold.”</p>
<p>“I’m not hungry,” Julian said bitterly, turning around and getting back to work. “Leave me alone. I’ll fix this tonight, or so help me, I’ll never eat again.”</p>
<p>“Doctor—”</p>
<p>“Leave!”</p>
<p>Garak was quiet for a while. Then he sighed, and stood up. There was a rustle as he picked up some warmer clothes. “I’ll save you some soup. I added the spicy bark you like.”</p>
<p>Julian turned his head part-way, but was still too ashamed to say thank you, or apologise for what he’d said before. If he got the signal working, he’d make up for it, and that way he could show everything he couldn’t say.</p>
<p>Garak left the shuttle and allowed Julian to work.</p>
<p>Another hour passed, and he didn’t return.</p>
<p>The back of Julian’s mind rang with concerns, knowing it was cold outside, knowing night had fallen. Knowing Garak was out there alone. But Julian couldn’t stop working; he was close. One... more... twist...!</p>
<p>The homing beacon lit up and flashed its lights. <i>SYSTEM ON-LINE.</i></p>
<p>Julian sat back in relief. He got to his feet in a rush and – “Ow— Ow—” was aching all over. He struggled to stand straight. But he hobbled to the door and pushed back the sealed curtain. Icy air rushed in.</p>
<p>“Garak,” he said gently, into the dark. The fire was still roaring and Garak huddled near it, a dense shape with his head down. “How are the clouds?”</p>
<p>Garak looked up. His voice was small and distant. “Clear sky.”</p>
<p>Julian’s heart jumped in hope. “Come inside. We can send the signal together.”</p>
<p>“You do it, Doctor,” Garak said, not turning to look. “I’m happier to remain by the fire.”</p>
<p>“You’re sure? You trust me to send it, and not just pretend?”</p>
<p>Garak harrumphed a laugh. “I trust you, my dear Doctor. As hopeless as that might make me.”</p>
<p>Julian watched him for a moment more, then let the curtain seal. He crouched by the beacon and – deep breath – pressed the button to send an S.O.S.</p>
<p>And that was it. It was done.</p>
<p>With or without the boost of using the ship as an antenna, something must’ve gone out. Julian tracked the outgoing waves on the handheld monitor Garak had rigged up weeks ago. He saw an expanding bubble breach the stratosphere, and radiate in waves out into space. It was weak, but this was the first time it had left the planet’s surface. It kept going, and going, new signals pulsating out...</p>
<p>And then the screen went blank and the power in the ship died. The lights went out. The cabin went quiet.</p>
<p>Julian sighed.</p>
<p>He went to the door and lifted the curtain. “Power’s out.”</p>
<p>“Hm.”</p>
<p>“I think something got through.” Julian pressed his lips together. “If anyone picks it up, they’ll at least know we’re alive.”</p>
<p>He stepped out into the cold, and sealed the door so the heat wouldn’t escape.</p>
<p>He stood on the dirt, looking at Garak ahead. A strange, uncomfortable guilt came down around him, heavy and strangling. He thought he’d changed over the years, become better at understanding other people, and he at least hoped he wasn’t so self-absorbed. He thought he’d grown up. Yet, here he was, so eager to trap another man in his life-and-death fantasy for the sake of his own enjoyment and satisfaction. Someone he claimed to care about, no less.</p>
<p>He regretted what he’d said before.</p>
<p><i>Why would I want anyone to find us? This is my perfect life. The </i>last<i> thing I want is for this to end.</i></p>
<p>But it was still true. He wanted to be here.</p>
<p>He hoped that if one thing translated between Human and Cardassian cultures without explanation, it was that actions spoke louder than words. Julian prayed sending the signal would demonstrate he would put Garak’s needs first, even if it cost him...</p>
<p>Cost him what? What would be lost if he was rescued? Nothing! He’d had his time here. He’d had a week longer than he expected. He would always look back on this time fondly, and he’d gained experience to carry with him for the rest of his life.</p>
<p>The only thing Julian was in danger of losing was...</p>
<p>“Garak.”</p>
<p>Garak kept his back turned.</p>
<p>Julian stepped up to the chair his friend sat on, and leaned over the back. He wrapped his arms around Garak’s neck and held him gently, head down on his shoulder, warm in an embrace.</p>
<p>Garak softly touched Julian’s arm. “Julian...”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Julian whispered. “Elim, I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>Garak said nothing at all.</p>
<p>“Come to bed,” Julian whispered, standing tall again, holding Garak’s shoulder. “If both of us wrap up in there, it shouldn’t be too cold.”</p>
<p>“No heating,” Garak said.</p>
<p>“You’ll have me,” Julian said with a small smile.</p>
<p>Garak chuckled. At last he looked back, a spark of joy in his eyes. “You are exceptionally warm.”</p>
<p>“Even if I am a bit... cold-hearted, sometimes,” Julian said, eyes down.</p>
<p>Garak stood and shook his head. Then he stepped close and took Julian into a hug, a real hug, arms around his waist. Julian held Garak’s shoulders, not questioning or resisting this development. He clung to his only companion and buried his nose in his clothes, sighing slow.</p>
<p>Garak held him until Julian breathed in again.</p>
<p>There were tears in Julian’s eyes when their gazes met. Garak simply smiled, and led Julian through the cold to the shuttle. They left the fire burning, knowing it would soon wear itself out.</p>
<p>They undressed in the cockpit lit only by a handheld cell lantern, and took turns to use the washroom. There was backup power still available, the kind usually used for life support when drifting in space, but that would be saved for real emergencies. The water supply worked on gravity, with the tank up on the roof, so there was enough to brush their teeth and wash their faces, even if it was unpleasantly chilly.</p>
<p>Julian scratched at his short beard as he came closer to the bed. Garak sat there, typing on a padd to recap the day.</p>
<p>“Ready to sleep?” Julian asked quietly.</p>
<p>Garak hummed, and kept typing.</p>
<p>Julian crawled into the bed, but couldn’t lie down properly until Garak got away from the wall. Garak felt Julian prodding at a thigh with his feet, so moved, and lay down. Julian wriggled comfortable beside him.</p>
<p>Garak kept typing, lying on his back.</p>
<p>Julian rolled to face Garak with his hands pillowed under his cheek. He watched the padd fill with notes in Cardassian shorthand about the squeak on the outside faucet and a reminder to check all the circuits after the power surge.</p>
<p>Eventually Garak dragged in a breath, set aside the padd, and turned his head to Julian.</p>
<p>Julian looked back.</p>
<p>Then he lifted his torso and squirmed into Garak’s personal space, lying mostly on top of him, all except his legs. He nuzzled into Garak’s throat and felt Garak touch his neck, causing washes of cool relief.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Julian said, voice breaking. “It was never that I— I never wanted to <i>prevent</i> them from finding us. I just never tried very hard.”</p>
<p>Garak smiled against Julian’s temple. “Neither did I.”</p>
<p>“Well, you were busy.”</p>
<p>“I had fun.”</p>
<p>“Hmm.” Julian sank low and snuggled up to Garak’s side, aching with sorrow. “I’ve had fun, too. The time of my life, really. I hate it, Garak, I <i>hate</i> that we have to leave. But at the same time I hate that I... want...”</p>
<p>The breath that left him was hot and humid, dense with the clouds of unspoken dreams. And real clouds; the cabin was cold and growing colder.</p>
<p>Garak rolled part-way closer to him, holding his waist. “You want to stay.”</p>
<p>Julian shook his head. No.</p>
<p>“You do.”</p>
<p>Julian frowned and flashed his eyes to the ceiling. “I don’t. Not really. I just got so caught up in... the fantasy of it. The game of it. I’m so far removed from my real life that I forget how real <i>this</i> is.”</p>
<p>“Tell me honestly, Doctor. Would you rather stay than leave?”</p>
<p>“We can’t stay.”</p>
<p>“But what do you want?”</p>
<p>Julian looked at Garak sharply. Then he softened, seeing tenderness in his eyes. “Wh...” Julian wet his lips. “What do <i>you</i> want?”</p>
<p>Garak lowered his eyes for a moment, then lifted them, looking plainly at Julian. “I want to stay.”</p>
<p>Julian’s heart clenched. “Garak, no.” He shook his head quickly. “Don’t. Don’t. You don’t want that. We have lives, Garak. Friends. Family.”</p>
<p>“You do,” Garak said. “You have that.”</p>
<p>“So do you!” Julian pushed his hands to Garak’s chest. “You have everyone I have.”</p>
<p>“No...” Garak said. “I have you.”</p>
<p>Julian sank in dismay. Garak was telling the truth and they both knew it.</p>
<p>“Look,” Julian said, “we stay as long as it takes them to find us. We keep trying to send our distress signal. And when they do get here, we’ll go home. Because this cannot be our lives. This is... temporary.” He stroked Garak’s chest with an open hand, feeling him relax. “This is temporary.”</p>
<p>Although discontent, Garak shut his eyes and began to purr.</p>
<p>Julian smiled and nudged closer, pressing his forehead to Garak’s. Their hands caught between their chests, and Garak stroked Julian’s chest too, in parallel. Julian let his own touches stray to Garak’s neck ridges, because he’d realised within the last three weeks that Garak liked being touched there. His touches soon moved up behind Garak’s ear.</p>
<p>“Mmmmm,” Garak hummed, before he returned to his purr. “Doctor...”</p>
<p>“Hold my waist,” Julian urged. “Closer.”</p>
<p>Garak tugged him closer, hands pulling up Julian’s pyjama top.</p>
<p>Julian sighed in delight. “You’re so warm.”</p>
<p>“All the better for your company,” Garak smiled. “Pull the blankets over us...”</p>
<p>Julian did, and it became dark as dark could be. Hot breaths, little laughs; they played with touches and closeness, in contact all the way down their bodies. Julian let his bare toes stretch between Garak’s feet, making Garak squeak a laugh.</p>
<p>Julian grinned against Garak’s cheek, feeling Garak’s lower eye-ridges graze the tip of his nose. “I’m really glad,” Julian murmured, “that I’m stuck here with you.”</p>
<p>“Hmm?” Garak purred against Julian’s throat. “Hnnnn’why?”</p>
<p>“Because.” Julian slipped his knee between Garak’s thighs, squirming so their hips were pressed. “I’d hate to do this with someone I didn’t like quite so much.”</p>
<p>Garak was smiling all the time now, and it changed the sound of his purr.</p>
<p>“I mean,” Julian moaned a little, quietly, then relaxed once Garak slid his hand back out from under his top, “it would’ve been harder to cuddle like this with <i>Worf</i>.”</p>
<p>Garak burst out laughing, and Julian winced back from the sheer volume. But they returned to their snuggle, both smiling, Garak still chuckling between purrs.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Garak murmured, as his chest vibrated against Julian’s. “It would’ve been.”</p>
<p>He sighed, and let his purr fade out.</p>
<p>“Something the matter?” Julian asked.</p>
<p>Garak hesitated, one hand on Julian’s hip. A few seconds passed. Then he said, softly, “No. No, I’m... glad. As well.”</p>
<p>He purred a bit more and nosed against Julian’s neck.</p>
<p>“Glad it’s... you and me.”</p>
<p>Julian smiled, scrunching Garak’s sleek hair in one hand, then turning his head to accidentally-on-purpose press his nose and mouth to Garak’s forehead. It wasn’t quite a kiss, but he had a kiss in mind.</p>
<p>He thought about tilting his head and taking Garak’s chin and guiding their lips together. Kissing him deeply. Electricity singed Julian from the inside out at the fantasy. But he dared not follow through.</p>
<p>What he and Garak had wasn’t like that. It had never been like that. They were friends. <i>Close</i> friends. Close and getting closer, yes, but always friends.</p>
<p>This situation was temporary. Julian was just caught up in the thrill of it, that was all! Sooner or later it would be over. It would end. Stop. They’d go home and move on and get back to normal.</p>
<p>And Julian would bet anything that his romantic feelings for Garak would do the same.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Build / Bath / Bed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The screen on Garak’s padd went dark. He waggled it, and batted at its side a few times, and the percussive maintenance worked – insofar as to shudder a hint of colour upon its flat surface, but then the screen died again.</p>
<p>Garak looked up and leaned forward in his pilot’s seat to see out from under the woven awning.</p>
<p>Clouds. Of course.</p>
<p>He’d sensed an increase in air pressure, tightening in the centre of his forehead, but he’d been so caught up in his novel he hadn’t looked up in a while.</p>
<p>“There’s really no point, you know,” Garak said to the world at large, aware that Julian was somewhere behind him, taking a break from stacking wood. “You’ll only drain our power banks.”</p>
<p>“Always worth trying,” Julian said vaguely.</p>
<p>Garak turned and saw his companion perched on top of the wood piles like a nymph, scruffy-faced and barefoot. He might’ve pranced out of a fairytale, were it not for the fashionably colourful beach clothes and the bulky signal monitor in his hands. Julian twisted a dial on that monitor, then eagerly watched the sky.</p>
<p>“Waiting for a break in the clouds?” Garak asked.</p>
<p>“I made some adjustments so I can send out a signal <i>while</i> it’s cloudy.”</p>
<p>“Ah!”</p>
<p>“Yeees,” Julian smirked, “based on that doodled schematic I made that you had no faith in.”</p>
<p>“I simply didn’t think it would work.”</p>
<p>Julian smiled and adjusted his monitor again. “It’s doing something.”</p>
<p>“Indeed. It has scrambled the functions of every other device within signal range and rediverted their connective power.” Garak set his padd down on the side table between the two chairs, then took a deep breath and stretched.</p>
<p>“I always expect to see a ship,” Julian said.</p>
<p>Garak stood up and tidied up his underwear. His heart clenched in response to those words but he dared not show it. “Oh?”</p>
<p>“Something will shoot by in between the clouds. Or there’ll be a light passing over during the night. We’ll figure it out, I know we will. A ship will ping the radar, and at the flip of a button we can send out our signal. And we’ll be rescued like <i>that</i>.” He snapped his fingers on the last word.</p>
<p>“Yes. Well, in the meantime, Doctor, we have a life to live down here, and tasks to attend to before the daylight absconds. So if you wouldn’t mind terribly, I’d appreciate your assistance...”</p>
<p>Julian eventually glanced up from his monitor, looking blankly at Garak. Only when Garak looked pointedly at the wood pile Julian sat on did he remember they were meant to build a barn today.</p>
<p>“Whoops,” Julian said, unfolding his long, bare legs and getting up. “Yes, we’d better...”</p>
<p>He trailed off again, eyes on the monitor screen and its ever-refracting waveforms.</p>
<p>Garak eyed the monitor disdainfully. Ever since that night when Julian oh-so-thoughtlessly confessed he wanted to stay here, he’d done almost nothing but work to prove the opposite. He’d become obsessed with the homing beacon, and boosting the signal, and building antennae, and tabulating weather conditions and experimenting with how far the signal could travel on any given day under changing circumstances.</p>
<p>Despite seeing nobody but Julian for weeks, Garak felt like he never saw him anymore. He missed the green of his eyes, and was becoming more familiar with the top of his head. He wished for bedtime to come early so they would at last be close again. But even then, sometimes Julian’s mind was clearly elsewhere.</p>
<p>Garak, in a fit of jealousy, pried the monitor out of Julian’s hand and set it beside the blank-screened padd. He kept his voice soft and kind, hiding the depth of his irritation as he said, “Come, Doctor. The galaxies beyond can wait. For now we have our own world to attend to.”</p>
<p>Julian’s eyes darted to the monitor, but he nodded.</p>
<p>The rest of the day passed in a brutal, full-power, untempered display of Cardassian and augmented Human strength, as they joined forces and erected a structure adjoining the end of the shuttle. It was a barn; it was a place to store dry goods and tools long-term. It was a small room; a shelter; a shed. It was three metres of wood driven hard into the ground, held together with long nails made of smelted pipe, dovetail corners knocked into place with rocks; it had panelling attached on the outside, and a roof, and waterproofing seals. It had a raised floor and floor-to-ceiling shelving. It had a door and a sliding bolt accessible to use from inside and out.</p>
<p>It was hard and breathless work. All the while their bodies were searing with heat in the shade: Julian glistened with sweat from his forehead down to his bare waist. Garak poured water over himself occasionally, and whenever he did so, it did not escape his notice that Julian would take a peek at his monitor and adjust settings, and look up at the sky in hope.</p>
<p>Garak continued to consider... perhaps Julian <i>had</i> spoken in haste, all those weeks ago. Maybe he never wanted to stay, and the truth was, in fact, as he claimed: he got caught up in the adventure of it all, and now craved the safe haven of the Federation once more, and wanted his bed, and his teddy bear, and his friends and his job and his <i>life</i>.</p>
<p>There was no chance Garak could convince him to lay aside that hope. For years Garak had been trying to corrupt the good doctor in some small way; merely trying to teach him a little pessimism. But no matter how Garak resented the idea that Julian wanted to be free of this place – this circumstance, this intimately domestic life they had together – to ask him not to <i>hope</i> would be too unkind. There was still a spark in him, a flame of optimism that, perhaps, could be puffed at. But Garak had no intention of blowing it out.</p>
<p>This man was so full of light that Garak needed him dimmer just to bear his company. Julian’s enthusiasm for everything new and gruelling had been the thing keeping Garak going, not just here and now, but for years. He’d set a light in Garak, too, long after all hope was gone for him.</p>
<p>So Garak would let Julian hope. He’d let him watch the sky, and obsess over the life he left behind and dream of returning to it. Because no matter how upsetting it was to behold, it proved Julian was ever the same man. Still the man Garak would do anything for. Still the man Garak yearned for despite everything.</p>
<p>Night was imminent when Garak filled the bath with hot water, at last tipping in his final bucketful. They’d built the barn around the bath, since until now it had been out in the open air, and inaccessible during icy nights. Now they had opened a hatch into the shuttle’s hold, providing a new room for their....</p>
<p>House.</p>
<p>It was a house.</p>
<p>A home.</p>
<p>Garak bent by the steaming bath, holding the wooden edge. He exhaled, heart aching like never before. He held back tears – tears of joy and delight, tears of mourning. How could he have been so lucky and so unlucky at once? He had Julian to himself in almost every way he ever wanted, but for a few adverse details. One of which was that Julian wanted nothing more than to leave.</p>
<p>“Garak?” came a call from inside the shuttle. Julian stood inside the shuttle’s hold, and his grinning face peeked out from the brighter gap, as he enjoyed the new through-way hatch. “How’s the indoor bath?”</p>
<p>Garak stared at him, at a loss for words.</p>
<p>Julian stepped from the shuttle’s back end into the barn. “You’re not even undressed.”</p>
<p>“I’m...” Garak looked down. “I’m not.”</p>
<p>“Not meaning to be a bother, or anything, but – mind if I steal this one? It’s just that, you know, you don’t actually sweat, and you hosed yourself down a dozen times today. But you saw me: sweating <i>buckets</i>. I’ll just take a quick dip, I promise.”</p>
<p>Garak gave him a soft smile. “Enjoy it for as long as you want, my dear Doctor. It’s all yours. I wished to bathe mainly for the comfort it brings me.”</p>
<p>Julian’s eyes sparkled in the light of the cell lantern. “Do you wa—”</p>
<p>Garak paused, not yet leaving. “Hm?”</p>
<p>Julian swallowed, then swallowed again. “Wwhaaa, I’m just, just thinking, I don’t know, to save water and so you still get your bath but I get a wash, I thought maybe if it wasn’t— Well, no, it’s a bit gross, and you’ll end up dirtier than you are – I’m rather filthy, aren’t I—?”</p>
<p>“Doctor...” Garak waited for clarity.</p>
<p>Flustered, Julian said, “No, don’t worry! Silly idea.”</p>
<p>Garak tilted his head, but allowed Julian his self-censoring. “I’ll be in bed.”</p>
<p>“Right.”</p>
<p>Garak turned his back, ready to head in.</p>
<p>Julian sucked in a quick breath. “Do you want to share? The bath.”</p>
<p>Garak looked back.</p>
<p>Julian rubbed the back of his neck bashfully. “To... save water. And it might be... comforting.”</p>
<p>Garak smiled. “A silly idea, indeed.” He left.</p>
<p>The shuttle was warmer and brighter, and hummed with the sound of the homing beacon running still, connected to the shuttle. Garak took a moment to settle his frantic heart, pacing towards the bed and resting on the nearest wall. He could never tell what game Julian was playing. What did he want? What did he ever want?</p>
<p>He offered these things so innocently, not realising how they hurt. Accept, and Garak would have wishes granted, but have the blessings ripped away once Julian’s ultimate wish was granted and rescue arrived. Refusing the doctor’s advances, no matter how sweet or tempting, was the only sane thing to do.</p>
<p>So far Garak had refused a shared bath, a foot massage, a back massage, an in-depth physical examination, a haircut, for Julian to hand-feed him when he’d injured his own hand, and a suggestion of Julian’s that Garak could wear some of Julian’s looser-fitting clothes for hot days. And that was not mentioning the time Julian had said amidst some sleepy ramble that they ought to “find other ways to relax” together. The words themselves were friendly but Julian’s hand had been rubbing a little low on his torso at the time. Things between them had progressed in the weeks following, comfortably and gradually, but Garak still held back, always. </p>
<p>He knew exactly what he wanted from Julian. But he didn’t know what Julian wanted in return – certainly not in the long term. And to ask or guess could be disastrous to their situation or heartbreaking to Garak. Accepting seemingly innocent offers for further intimacy would be a gateway for desire, which Garak could not afford.</p>
<p>They were already too close.</p>
<p>After half an hour, Julian re-entered the shuttle with his tiny waist wrapped in a rainbow beach towel, and his short black beard glittering with water. He’d let his facial hair grow, but still cropped it close to his face every few days so he didn’t get too hot. Garak lay in bed, lazily watching Julian take off his towel and use it to dry his hair.</p>
<p>Julian noticed Garak watching him, and laughed, tossing the towel over Garak’s head. “Where’s the gentleman now, then?” he teased.</p>
<p>Garak huffed under the towel. “My apologies. I must be tired.”</p>
<p>“You’re exhausted, Garak. How are your muscles?”</p>
<p>“Oh, aching.” Garak winced against the light as Julian removed the towel from Garak’s head, as he was now modest in his pinstriped pyjama set.</p>
<p>“I can massage you,” Julian said.</p>
<p>Garak tutted. “A good night’s sleep will cure many ails, Doctor. You know this better than I.”</p>
<p>“I aaaalso know,” Julian murmured playfully, as he snuck into bed and under the covers, giving Garak a luscious look, “how important touch can be...”</p>
<p>As Garak was closer to the wall, Julian moved to switch their places by straddling Garak’s waist in order to roll over him. But he paused atop him, thighs open around Garak, buttocks warm. Julian inhaled, wearing that impish half-grin that had long set fires in Garak.</p>
<p>“Ready?” Julian asked.</p>
<p>Garak hummed low, feeling anticipatory flutters in his belly. “I’m in bed, aren’t I?”</p>
<p>Julian hummed approval, leaning his torso down. “I’ll massage you a <i>bit</i>,” he uttered, as he began to rub Garak’s chest, bringing out an immediate purr. “And we won’t mention it again.”</p>
<p>Garak purred with his head tipped back, relaxing into the mattress, then tensing, lower back arched. “Julian...”</p>
<p>“Shhh...” Julian nuzzled his nose and forehead against Garak’s neck ridges. “I know. Oh, we had such a long day. I’ve been waiting too. Relax. Let’s just—” He rolled off Garak and lay beside him, rubbing his chest, breathing on his shoulder. “Ohh...” His breath caught. “Garak, hold me.”</p>
<p>Garak hurriedly rolled to clutch at Julian, breathing heavily on his throat. “Doctor...”</p>
<p>Julian squirmed so his legs were open around Garak’s thighs and put <i>pressure</i> there. “Purr for me.”</p>
<p>Garak was already purring.</p>
<p>Julian’s smile dragged on Garak’s cheek. His hand stretched tentatively towards Garak’s neck, fingering his ridges and making him coo. And, slowly, Julian reached his ear, mapping the cartilage...</p>
<p>He made a tiny sound of curiosity. “Do you want me to...?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” Garak nodded. “May I?”</p>
<p>Julian moaned a yes.</p>
<p>Garak cried out in pleasure as Julian’s thumb slid to the spoon-shaped ridge central to Garak’s forehead, and Julian laughed softly, as Garak’s purr turned frantic at that touch: unbroken pressure rubbed into the scoop of the ridge. Julian’s thumb fit perfectly there.</p>
<p>“You love that so <i>much</i>, don’t you?” Julian whispered. “You love me touching your forehead. It’s so obvious.”</p>
<p>Garak purred harder, writhing in the bed, eyes fluttering half-open, unable to see.</p>
<p>Julian’s hands slid down to massage Garak’s biceps, and Garak wailed at the loss to his forehead. But he recovered, purring involuntarily with every breath in and out. He thrust his hands up under Julian’s pyjama top, and Julian moaned aloud, eyes shut.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Julian breathed. “Elim, yes.”</p>
<p>Garak held his ribcage, and stroked down his back, and all the way up again...</p>
<p>“Stroke me,” Julian begged. “Oh.” He bit his lip and closed his eyes, letting go of a quiet vocalisation.</p>
<p>“Keep going?” Garak asked.</p>
<p>Julian nodded, opened his eyes, and freed a breath.</p>
<p>Garak pushed closer and purred against Julian’s shoulder, mouthing there, biting lightly. Julian sighed and then croaked a groan, both hands scrunching into Garak’s hair.</p>
<p>“You on top,” Julian whispered. “Touch me all over.”</p>
<p>Garak thumped them over and pushed his weight onto Julian, who opened his legs wider and shut his eyes in bliss. Garak didn’t look at him, but purred against him, began to undo his top for him.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Julian shuddered, his skin burning against Garak. “Oh, God, I want to be naked.”</p>
<p>Garak chuckled in surprise.</p>
<p>“I do, though,” Julian said, voice strained. “Garak – touch me. Touch me...”</p>
<p>Garak lifted his head to catch his eyes, unsure what he meant.</p>
<p>“Just – more,” Julian explained. “A little bit more. Take my shirt off.”</p>
<p>Every few days for weeks it had been ‘a little bit more’. Their bedtime ritual had developed towards the edge of sexual, but never making it there. Garak allowed it, knowing the doctor was not aroused. He understood how Human arousal worked: Julian would be erect. There was usually some plumpness – after all, this was an exciting thing to do, for Garak too – but they always paused to calm down before anything became too real. They knew what they were doing. Or, perhaps, they didn’t. It simply felt good to touch.</p>
<p>Julian had once talked throughout their entire petting session about how physical contact released floods of the hormone oxytocin, vital for good mental health. They were staying healthy, that was all. The world was empty but for the company of each other, and if they didn’t touch, they would never be touched.</p>
<p>Garak pulled off Julian’s pyjama top, and looked down at the flushed, starry-eyed face of his friend. Julian held out his arms and dragged Garak down, smiling, wanting to hold him close.</p>
<p>“Mmm,” Julian groaned, twisting his legs down Garak’s, <i>squeezing</i>. “This makes me so <i>happy</i>.”</p>
<p>Garak nodded, knowing his purr showed his own feelings on the matter. “Are you in need of anything specific?”</p>
<p>“Hands on my chest,” Julian said.</p>
<p>Garak, still pressed bodily to his chest, made do with touching Julian’s side.</p>
<p>“Nipple?” Julian asked. Then he huffed. “No, wait, don’t.”</p>
<p>“I don’t think that would be advisable,” Garak agreed, remembering the warnings Julian had given him about Human erogenous zones. So he touched <i>around</i> Julian’s nipple but not his nipple. It had grown perky and tight. Julian shivered under Garak’s weight.</p>
<p>“Waist,” Julian breathed.</p>
<p>Garak lowered his left hand, while slipping his right into Julian’s hair.</p>
<p>Julian gasped, then giggled. Garak grazed Julian’s hot skin and his fragile-seeming body with his whole hand, exploring the shape of his friend. Julian bit his lip and groaned. “Tummyyy.”</p>
<p>Garak hadn’t known what that word meant the first time he’d heard it, but he knew now, after sating a dozen requests for the same touch by sliding a hand under Julian’s top. But now there was no top in the way. Garak lifted himself up and rubbed Julian’s flat belly with a hand, and Julian responded by slipping his empty hands upward, under his pillow, and breathing carefully through his open mouth. He exposed the hair under his arms, and showed off how his torso moved as he breathed.</p>
<p>“Good?” Garak asked.</p>
<p>“Lower,” Julian urged, eyes shut.</p>
<p>Garak moved an inch lower.</p>
<p>“Mmh – again.”</p>
<p>Still purring, Garak rubbed his palm over Julian’s navel. Julian shook through a laugh, then chuckled out, “Lower.”</p>
<p>Garak’s hand met pubic hair. He pawed at it, fingertips teasing through curls. Its texture was unlike the hair on Julian’s head or face: it was rougher, thicker, bushier...</p>
<p>Julian relaxed with a long hum... “Oh, <i>yeah</i>...” He tipped his head back, chin jutting up. “Right there...”</p>
<p>Garak toyed with the fluff, combing it with his fingers, caressing the surrounding skin: Julian’s hipbones, navel, tummy, then back down...</p>
<p>Julian smiled, and bit his lip...</p>
<p>Goodness, how pretty he looked.</p>
<p>Julian exhaled slooooowly as Garak fingered at the lowered band of his undershorts. “Ahh... Oh, God...” He tilted his hips, eager. “Ah... <i>Ah</i>... H’yes...”</p>
<p>With a sharp breath, Julian clenched a hand upon Garak’s, and their eyes met in a flash. A warning.</p>
<p>Garak removed his hand from Julian and looked away, purr halted for a moment. Julian took a while to recover, hiding his shamed expression with a crooked arm.</p>
<p>They’d hit a few of these walls, when Julian would start to express a less-innocent pleasure. Garak felt aroused every time they touched like this each night, but given Julian’s panicked reaction to his own excitement, Garak supposed admitting the truth about his own state wouldn’t be welcome. So far, he’d managed to keep it a secret. Garak was glad for that; they each had boundaries, and that kept things comfortable.</p>
<p>Julian’s hands soon rested on Garak’s chest and started to rub. Garak let himself be overpowered, and they flipped together, Julian on top again. His expression seemed so desirous, but it always was. No doubt Julian also saw dark eyes and the blush of want in Garak’s face. They were too curious about each other, and any new knowledge filled them with hunger for more.</p>
<p>Julian snuggled Garak’s side, nosing at neck ridges like he might kiss them, but wouldn’t dare. He breathed gently, one hand moving in a rhythm on Garak’s chest, over his heart-ridge, fingering around it.</p>
<p>They calmed down, and merely lay together, Garak stroking the dip of Julian’s hip while Julian focused on Garak’s ridges. Julian shut his eyes and listened to Garak purr.</p>
<p>“Mmmmmm,” Garak sighed, “you keep me so very <i>warm</i>.” He spoke in wholehearted gratitude. In addition to having Julian as a Human furnace at his side, there was still heat lingering in his own groin he’d never dare mention.</p>
<p>Julian smirked. “I’d go so far as to say you’re <i>hot</i>.” He peeked open his eyes, and Garak met them. Julian blushed. “I mean ‘hot’ like— Oh, never mind.” He bowed his head and hid his blush against Garak’s vibrating chest.</p>
<p>“Are you satisfied?” Garak asked him between purrs, holding him gently.</p>
<p>Julian nodded and nodded, smiling and nuzzling. “Very.” He let out a sigh of deep contentment as they cuddled.</p>
<p>Garak stroked through his hair. “Good.”</p>
<p>He wanted to bend his head just a touch further, and kiss Julian’s forehead. Or let his thumb stray to his lips, and feel their shape. Or slip his hand under the band of his underwear...</p>
<p>But Julian did not want more. So Garak would pretend to be satisfied, too.</p>
<p>In the long run, maintaining some distance, no matter how arbitrary, would be better for them both. They had both been hurt enough in their lives, and neither wanted to be hurt again.</p>
<p>This was temporary.</p>
<p>Garak held his dear friend as close as he could, savouring his presence, as it was clear: things could not stay this way forever.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Worst Match Ever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Admit it, Doctor! Tennis is not my game!”</p>
<p>Julian scoffed and retrieved the tennis ball from the undergrowth. He straightened, tossing the ball a few times. “Don’t say that. I’ll <i>make</i> it your game. It just takes practise!”</p>
<p>“And some semblance of enjoyment.”</p>
<p>Julian gave Garak a playful look. “Don’t tell me you’re not having fun.”</p>
<p>“I could be having more fun if I weren’t losing every game.”</p>
<p>Julian spun his handmade racket in one palm, adjusting his grip on it. He locked eyes with Garak across the clearing, past the wooden fence they’d made to serve as a net. “Impress me,” he instructed Garak. “Because I’m not about to pretend I’m bad at this game to indulge you.”</p>
<p>“Some teacher you are.”</p>
<p>“Some fraud you are,” Julian countered. “I won’t believe for a second you don’t have perfect aim.”</p>
<p>With that, he tossed up the ball and thwacked it straight at Garak’s face. Garak moved defensively and smashed the ball straight back into Julian’s shoulder.</p>
<p>Julian let the missile hit him, then he gripped his shoulder tight. “Ow.”</p>
<p>Garak harrumphed smugly.</p>
<p>Julian smiled.</p>
<p>He picked up the ball and served again, this time gently. He and Garak batted the ball back and forth a dozen times, with increasing aggression and speed, until Julian was darting from one dusty side of the court to the other, and Garak was panting as he jumped and ducked to respond to Julian’s effortless dominance.</p>
<p>Garak. Julian. Garak. Julian. Bare feet kicked up dirt clouds that glittered in dawning light. The <i>smack</i> of the ball hitting the latticed eeish whiskers in the rackets lent an arrhythmic beat to their grunts of exertion.</p>
<p>Garak saw an opportunity to best his opponent, and slammed the ball into the dust on Julian’s side of the net.</p>
<p>Julian stumbled and staggered uselessly, a fraction of a second too late. He collapsed into the dirt, laughing, then rolled onto his back to laugh more.</p>
<p>Garak stood in place to catch his breath. It was times like these he wished he could sweat; heat boiled him from the inside out. Excitement might’ve been half of it; watching Julian experience joy always fired him up. As did seeing a slip of his brown skin from under those fragile, sometimes see-through beach clothes he wore.</p>
<p>Julian eased into silence, grinning over at Garak. “Want some breakfast?”</p>
<p>Garak nodded. “I’ll start on the curtain.”</p>
<p>Julian packed up the net in a roll of clattering posts, and leaned it against the shuttle’s nose, then carried two rackets to be hung from pegs inside the storage room.</p>
<p>Breakfast was a special recipe of Julian’s: flatbread made with watergrass flour (which he ground up last night) fried in eeish fat (usually stored in a mug in the refrigerator), topped with swamptree sap, which was essentially syrup. Julian called them “pancakes”. Garak called them “an occasional treat”... every morning.</p>
<p>Garak sat cross-legged on the bed, sewing patterns into the insulated door curtain while Julian made their food. Julian served him three pancakes one at a time, and Garak rolled up each and ate it bite by bite, wiping sticky fingers on a napkin before returning to his needle and thread as he chewed.</p>
<p>Julian returned an hour or so later, when the bottle-bugs had started to chirp. He leaned through the open door. “You’re <i>still</i> not done?!”</p>
<p>Garak glanced up. “Art takes time, my dear Doctor.”</p>
<p>“Okay, well, stop! You need to help me launch the satellite.”</p>
<p>“<i>Now</i>?” Garak slapped the backs of his hands to his lap in exasperation.</p>
<p>“Yes, now,” Julian said distractedly. He left.</p>
<p>Garak grumbled to himself and decided to at least finish this set of stitches, else he’d end up leaving a needle sticking out, or waste his thread.</p>
<p>A few minutes later, Julian burst back in with too much energy for such a small space. “Are you coming or not? It’s going to be lunchtime and then it’s going to get dark, and for goodness’ sake, just put it <i>down</i>.” He reached to take the curtain but Garak wrenched it away so Julian didn’t stab his palm on the needle. Julian huffed and snatched the curtain away, tossing it aside. “Look, you’re not exactly busy, are you? I need you for half an hour and then you can get back to—” he gestured dismissively, “<i>whatever</i>.”</p>
<p>Garak, incensed, reached for the curtain again, needing to make sure the needle was secure.</p>
<p>Julian roared a sigh and stormed out.</p>
<p>Garak bristled with rising irritation and returned to stitching purely out of spite. If Julian couldn’t ask politely for a moment of his time then he wouldn’t get any.</p>
<p>Ten minutes passed before Julian came to stand sheepishly at the door. He was clearly still annoyed, but hesitated before speaking. “Garak,” he said.</p>
<p>“Hmmmm?” Garak replied, coolly.</p>
<p>“I really do need your help. I have the shuttle’s launch mechanism ready to go, course laid in. Once it reaches the thermosphere it’ll start to orbit. But I just— It’s not my—” He shuffled and looked at his feet. “I’m good at tennis and medicine. You’re good at machines and plants. Okay? This isn’t my forte and I need help.”</p>
<p>“Do you, indeed. That’s very interesting.”</p>
<p>“Garak, just help me.”</p>
<p>“Perhaps I might, once I’m done.”</p>
<p>Julian wheezed out a frustrated noise. “Fine! How long until you’re ‘done’?”</p>
<p>“Oh, an hour, maybe eight.”</p>
<p>“You cannot be serious. So, what, you expect me to wait around doing piss-all in this blasted heat, do you? And make you lunch? And prepare dinner? And chop the wood and clean the pans and plates, then wash <i>your</i> underwear, and just for good measure, pour you a bath at the end of the day? And you expect me to do that instead of actually launching the transceiver into space so maybe, just maybe, our homing beacon’s signal might actually leave the solar system. While you sit there embroidering the curtain to make it <i>prettier</i>?”</p>
<p>Garak smiled. “That does sound like a delightful day.”</p>
<p>Julian seethed audibly, and Garak thrilled at the sound. “Garak,” he said, with forced calm, “if I try and launch this by myself, I’m going to break it.”</p>
<p>“Ah. Yes. That is the dilemma.” Garak sucked the end of a new thread so it lay flat, then fed it expertly through the eye of his needle. “A shame, really.”</p>
<p>“Ugh! Why are you being so <i>difficult</i>?”</p>
<p>“Why are you?” Garak asked, eyes up to glare at the doctor. “Why are you in such a rush to launch your beloved satellite at this exact moment? We’ve been here two Bajoran months; I hardly think an extra day or two will make any difference.”</p>
<p>Julian’s eyes flamed with rage. “And pretty stitching on the curtain <i>makes a difference</i>, does it? More than trying to get <i>off this fucking planet</i>?!”</p>
<p>“It makes a difference to me,” Garak said simply. “Even if your satellite transceiver works, we’ll still have to wait here for rescue. I’d prefer it be a pleasant experience, and yes, a little decoration is very much part of that.”</p>
<p>“<i>If</i> the satellite works? <i>If</i>?!” Julian barged onto the shuttle and loomed beside the bed. “You checked it for me. Why would it not work?”</p>
<p>“Oh, oh,” Garak said vaguely, head down to embroider the first V of a five-pointed star. “Any number of things can break on a cobbled-together contraption like that. If it even makes it through launch, that is.”</p>
<p>“We only have one shot.” Julian’s voice became dangerously quiet. Calm enough that Garak understood how important he thought this was; calm enough to prove he’d blown past fury and into threat. “If we launch this and it fails, we might be stuck here. For the rest. Of our. Lives.”</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>“Garak, look at me.”</p>
<p>Garak found he could not.</p>
<p>“Garak.”</p>
<p>Garak uttered, “I’m listening, Doctor.”</p>
<p>“I want you to look at me. I need you to understand— Look.”</p>
<p>Garak finally looked up, hearing a normal tone.</p>
<p>Julian gazed at him inscrutably; there was emotion bubbling behind his eyes, but his mask was plain enough. “I need your help to launch the satellite so we can leave this planet and not <i>die</i> here. Do you understand?”</p>
<p>Garak looked back down. “Perfectly.”</p>
<p>“Then—?”</p>
<p>“I just don’t see why it can’t be done tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“It’s going to be cloudy tomorrow!”</p>
<p>“The next day, then. I simply cannot do what you’re asking me to do at this exact moment in time.”</p>
<p>“What?! If you have time to <i>decorate</i> things you have time to—!” Julian turned away and tried to calm down.</p>
<p>“Why—” He silenced himself.</p>
<p>“<i>How</i>—” Again.</p>
<p>Then he stopped in front of the bed and took a breath like he was about to speak, but said nothing.</p>
<p>He turned and left.</p>
<p>There was no door to slam and no curtain to thrust across, so he kicked the pole holding up the awning and it collapsed in a waft of hot outside air and a crackle of dried woven grass.</p>
<p>Distantly Garak heard a growl of frustration and then a loud thump to the side of the shuttle that rang in the cockpit, but rang in Garak’s head for far longer. Guilt and anger clutched inside him, choking, but he kept stitching, calmed by the motion and using it as a metronome for his self-soothing thoughts.</p>
<p>
  <i>He only needed to ask nicely. If he doesn’t rush the launch and prepares beforehand, the satellite will be less likely to malfunction. In a few days we might both be in the right frame of mind to work efficiently. I’m tired after tennis, but of course he’s not, and doesn’t realise I am. What an impatient, unobservant g’tachk.</i>
</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>Julian sat by the sun-dappled pool, watching the fish glide through the afternoon.<p><i>I’m doing this for him. I’m doing this for him! Why does he have to resist any help I ever offer? If he thinks I’m going to give up and rot here until one of us has to bury the other, then he doesn’t know me at all. He can </i>see<i> I’m trying to get things moving. If he cared about me at all he’d at least support my project the way I have for his. Fine, making things livable down here is a decent goal. But why can’t he see that trying to leave is more important? What a selfish, stubborn git.</i></p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Conflict v. Cuddles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What are you doing?” Julian demanded from the doorway as he sealed it for the night.</p>
<p>Garak paused while tugging a mattress out from the stack of three. He turned to give Julian his most condescending look. “What does it appear to you that I might be doing?”</p>
<p>He returned to pulling out the middle mattress.</p>
<p>“Okay, what are you planning on <i>doing</i> with that mattress?”</p>
<p>“I can’t imagine you’d be comfortable spending the night with me,” Garak said, yanking one more time and freeing the padded rectangle. “Not after a day like today.”</p>
<p>Julian folded his arms. “Well, you’d be right, there.”</p>
<p>“When aren’t I?” Garak uttered.</p>
<p>“Oh!” Julian scoffed. “Do you want a written list? Or will verbal do?”</p>
<p>“Make your complaints to the computer, Doctor; I’m certainly in no mood to listen. Do excuse me.”</p>
<p>“Where are you going?” Julian unfolded his arms, scowling as Garak dragged the mattress past him, headed for the end of the shuttle. “You can’t sleep alone; you’ll freeze.”</p>
<p>“The cargo hold is warm enough.” Garak stepped over the rear threshold of the cockpit and thumped the mattress into the gap between the cockpit and the storage room. It was a dark blue space, carpeted, humming with the sound of the power-processor: a block built out of the opposite wall panel. There was a bare heat rising from the processor, but the cargo hold was not nearly as warm as the cockpit, or any space beside Julian’s body.</p>
<p>Julian blocked the light from the cockpit. “So that’s it, is it? We have one fight and now you’d rather freeze to death.”</p>
<p>“Cardassians are hardier creatures than you might imagine.”</p>
<p>“And yet, one little argument and you’ve snapped in two.”</p>
<p>“Snapped in two!” Garak barked a laugh. “What a fanciful imagination you have.”</p>
<p>“Mm. Somehow, though, I can’t <i>imagine</i> you having a good night’s sleep out here.”</p>
<p>“Concerned for me, Doctor?”</p>
<p>“From a medical perspective, yes. From a personal perspective, not bloody <i>likely</i>.”</p>
<p>“Perhaps, if you’re worried you’ll be lonely, I might be swayed to sleep beside you, if you’d stoop so low as to apologise to me.”</p>
<p>“Apologise! What the hell for?!”</p>
<p>“You could certainly have been more cognisant of my needs, for one.”</p>
<p>“What’s that supposed to mean? You’re the one who’s been blocking every move I make to satisfy not just my needs, but yours too. Won’t play tennis properly without a fight. Won’t help me launch the satellite. Hiding in here all day instead of actually <i>assisting</i> with the chores.”</p>
<p>“I had things I needed to do.”</p>
<p>“As if I don’t!” Julian huffed and stepped back into the cockpit. “Sleep by yourself, Garak. It’s not like I care what happens to you. You obviously don’t.”</p>
<p>He slashed the cargo hold’s sliding door over the opening and sealed Garak in the dark.</p>
<p>Garak sighed and sank to the floor, then flopped onto his side on the mattress. A weight hovered inside him, not yet sinking, not yet dissipating. He’d surely swallowed a marble the size of a tennis ball.</p>
<p>The door slammed back open. Light cut the carpet with white, and a flashy blanket was thrown over Garak.</p>
<p>The door shut again.</p>
<p>Darkness. Silence.</p>
<p>Night winds whistled through a gap in the wood in the adjacent storage room.</p>
<p>Garak sighed and tried to burrow under the blanket, tucking it in on all sides until his breath warmed his already-numbing nose. He tried to quiet his mind, tried to imagine himself stitching – which was not a hard task, as it was all he’d done today. He tried to breathe slowly.</p>
<p>Sleep...</p>
<p>He didn’t know how long he lay awake, but his headspace remained as dark as the cargo hold. Self-doubt and guilt and anger worried away at his brain until he felt he was being gnawed on. He was itchy from the inside and awake enough to rise from the bed and not come back.</p>
<p>He left the cargo hold and entered the storage room with his feet bare and the blanket around his shoulders. From a shelf he took a lantern and fitted it with a charged power cell, then took hold of a suitcase of spare engine parts he imagined he could use as tools. He opened the back door and stepped out into a night so cold it spiked on his cheeks, stinging his feet as they made contact with the dusty ground. His hand seared blue as he reached out to shut the door again.</p>
<p>A sky of stars; a night clear of clouds. Julian would have been right to launch the satellite today.</p>
<p>Alas...</p>
<p>Moving smoothly so as not to rattle the case and give away the fact he had a job to do, Garak made his way to the launch area, a carefully-levelled stretch of dirt between the scuffed-up tennis court, the campfire, and the rows of crops, which had a few days ago started to sprout.</p>
<p>Shivering, Garak knelt at the mechanical shrine: a satellite forged into a rocket. It was the opposite of streamlined, as it was little more than the guts of the shuttle soldered together.</p>
<p>Garak searched through the suitcase and took out a metal item, which had something that could pass as a handle and something that could pass as a hook. He set the hook-like part to the machine. His joints were already too stiff to be at full strength, but he powered on, prying hard at the joint where a pipe and a box of wires met. Eyes shut at the point of full exertion, Garak gasped in relief: the box of wires came loose with a squeak, giving him access to the tangle of lies within.</p>
<p>He hunched, breath coming out in shudders. His vision was clear in the lantern light but his movements were imprecise; he missed when he pinched for things, pulled too hard when he wanted to move a fuel cell— The suitcase jangled as he knocked it with a wrist. He grimaced, cursing himself for his carelessness.</p>
<p>The curtain on the shuttle peeled open. “Garak?” came a soft voice.</p>
<p>Garak didn’t turn. “Go back to bed, Doctor, you’ll waste the heat.”</p>
<p>“Garak, what the hell are you doing—?” Julian ran to him. “Are you insane?” He put both hands on the silver blanket, then the back of a hand against Garak’s cheek, checking his temperature. “You’re cold as ice. What are you—”</p>
<p>Garak realised what Julian saw here: his satellite being ripped apart.</p>
<p>Julian stepped back, bare foot leaving a smudged print in the dirt. “Garak...”</p>
<p>Garak hung his head, tears pouring out of his eyes without gracing him with a moment to resist. He looked away by force, agony tearing up through him now. “Perhaps I,” he started, “have much to learn from you, after all. It’s too hard, Doctor. Ih-h-it’s too hard for either of us to give an apology. I thought... I merely intended to ff-f-f—” Too cold to speak. “I only mean to fix my cruelties. Before you w-w-were ever to find out.”</p>
<p>“What ‘cruelties’ are you fixing? Before I find out what?”</p>
<p>Garak looked up at him, knowing how pathetic he must seem, shaking and weeping under a blanket at the feet of a far better man.</p>
<p>Julian’s eyes darted to the satellite and back. “Garak, what did you do to it?”</p>
<p>Garak only shut his eyes, incapable of giving words to his crime.</p>
<p>Julian sighed. “I thought so.”</p>
<p>Garak met his eyes, uncertain.</p>
<p>Julian gave him a grim smile. “Why do you think I needed your help? I could see it wasn’t going to work. I’m not an idiot, Garak. I won’t say sabotage was my first guess, but— Oh, Prophets, it’s cold. Get up. Get up, we’re going inside. We’ll fix this blasted thing together, tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“Doctor—”</p>
<p>“Get <i>up</i>.” Julian took Garak under the arms and lifted him like a toddler with alarming strength. He glared at Garak. “Inside.” His teeth bared. “<i>Now</i>.”</p>
<p>He shoved Garak in the direction of the shuttle’s main door. Garak stumbled, unable to feel his feet. Julian caught him and guided him with an arm.</p>
<p>“I d-d-don’t want—”</p>
<p>“I know,” Julian interrupted. “You don’t want to sleep with me. I don’t want to sleep with you either. But I’d rather not spend tomorrow digging a grave.”</p>
<p>He wrenched up the curtain and held it open for Garak to go in.</p>
<p>Garak held back, and when Julian pulled, he resisted with all that was left of his strength.</p>
<p>“I do not want,” Garak said again, “to trap you. If you wiss-s-sh to leave this planet th-th’t-then, then, you must only stay of y-y-your own v-v-v-volition. If. If. If you launched – and – it didn’t work – and – and you were ever to find out—”</p>
<p>“Garak, for fuck’s sake, say it inside.”</p>
<p>“No!” Garak yanked out of Julian’s grip. Tears burned on his cheeks. “Doctor, I— Julian— Julian. Ju—” He shuddered through a breath, hating that he couldn’t speak. “I don’t – want to leave. But you want to, and I – cannot – hope to s-stay.” He looked Julian in the eyes and felt the marble inside him burst into a waterfall of despair. “I <i>apologise</i>, my dear. For w-w-wanting things of you that you do not want in return. I apologise. I’m not searching f-f-for your forgiveness, but I apologise.”</p>
<p>Julian gritted his teeth. “Right. Good. Are you done now?” He reached out and dragged Garak up the step and inside. He sealed the curtain at once.</p>
<p>Garak’s shoulders sank. He made the gloomy cockpit darker with his presence. Heat prickled at every inch of his frozen form, but the worst chill radiated off the man beside him.</p>
<p>“Bed,” Julian said.</p>
<p>“Julian, I’m—”</p>
<p>“Shut up.”</p>
<p>“You cannot make me—”</p>
<p>“Garak, for God’s sake.” Julian grabbed Garak and turned him around so they faced each other fully. Julian looked like he was about to snap at Garak, but he softened, then softened some more, and then his face crumpled into something more vulnerable than Garak had ever seen.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Julian whispered. His eyes tipped to the ceiling, glossy with emotion. He gulped hard, and the lump in his throat bobbed. “For—” He clearly didn’t know exactly what to be sorry for, but settled on, “Hurting you.”</p>
<p>More honestly now, he sagged, and admitted, “I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want... us... to be like this. I can’t—”</p>
<p>He palmed at his forehead, embarrassed. “I can’t sleep without you. I’ve just been lying awake. I’m not cold. I’m tired enough. I’m angry about how you behaved today, as angry as I am about my own reaction. But I forgive you, Garak – for my own sake. I can’t – <i>be</i> without you. I can’t sleep, I can’t—”</p>
<p>He sat down, but misjudged how low the mattress was and flailed.</p>
<p>Then he sank with his head in his hands. He sighed. “Please sleep with me. I can’t do this alone. Any of it. I don’t want to be alone.” His voice had grown thick with oncoming tears.</p>
<p>He sniffed and looked up at Garak. “Did you really sabotage the satellite?”</p>
<p>“I’m trying to fix it.”</p>
<p>Julian understood that as a yes. He looked miserable.</p>
<p>After a long moment, he murmured, “What are we meant to do, Garak? How can we just forget the lives we have outside of... this? How do we forget the people? Our friends, our family? Our quarters? Our belongings? All the luxuries and safety and resources out there? The potential war with the Dominion? The responsibilities we have to <i>all</i> those people? How can you just accept <i>this</i>?”</p>
<p>Garak sat with him, close enough that their thighs pressed together. He stared at the floor. “I don’t think we should forget.”</p>
<p>“Should we stop trying? Trying to get... home?”</p>
<p>Garak looked at him.</p>
<p>Julian looked back. He was really asking.</p>
<p>“No,” Garak said, although it hurt them both. “We should not stop trying.”</p>
<p>Tears spilled from Julian’s waterlines, two stripes on his cheeks silvered by the cell lantern light. “How do you—” He swallowed, shaking his head. “What if they never find us? Or – what if they do? Whether we stay or we leave, we’d lose everything, wouldn’t we? I don’t know how I can leave <i>anything</i> behind, just – just... move <i>on</i>—”</p>
<p>“Look at the curtain.” Garak nodded towards the sealed door.</p>
<p>Julian looked at the new embroidery for the first time.</p>
<p>Upon the silver and grey patchwork, he saw the patterns: a map of their new home and the surrounding world, crowned by the starscape that they saw each night... and in the distance, the shape of Cardassia, the shape of Earth, and the shape of Deep Space Nine.</p>
<p>In memoriam.</p>
<p>In hope.</p>
<p>A gift.</p>
<p>Julian wept into his own lap, rocking in place. Garak lay a hand on his back and rubbed him, palm to his pyjama top. His heat was bearable to the touch now Garak had mostly thawed. His heart melted, in fact, as Julian sat up and swung to embrace Garak, hugging him, crying on his shoulder.</p>
<p>Garak held him softly, letting his own tears absorb into Julian’s nightwear. “I do miss it,” he promised. “But I... have...” He braced himself, then told the truth. “I have almost everything I’ve ever wanted here, my dear. Almost everything.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Julian whispered. His fingers curled into Garak’s tunic and he gripped him desperately. “Oh, God, me too. Almost everything...”</p>
<p>“Almost?” Garak queried.</p>
<p>Julian nodded. He sniffled and guided Garak to lie down. “Almost.”</p>
<p>Julian lay nearest the wall, and Garak joined him, facing outwards and away, unwilling to let Julian see him close-up in such a state. Julian nuzzled his fuzzy face against the back of Garak’s neck, and wrapped both arms around Garak’s waist. Garak lay a hand over Julian’s knuckles and stroked gently.</p>
<p>“Can we cuddle?” Julian asked.</p>
<p>“Is this not that?”</p>
<p>“Face to face,” Julian clarified. “I... like... that. Seeing you.”</p>
<p>Garak sighed. Trust the doctor to be so openly affectionate that only a cruel man could turn him down.</p>
<p>Garak wriggled his way around and faced Julian. Julian smiled immediately, and mumurmed, “Hi, sweetheart.”</p>
<p>Garak scoffed, amused by such an inappropriate term of endearment. “Could you have picked a worse thing to call me?”</p>
<p>“Honey.” Julian smirked and snuggled closer, until his nose touched Garak’s cheek. “Darling.” His breath caught, and he shivered in Garak’s arms. A breath, “Love of my life.”</p>
<p>Garak yearned more intensely than ever before. He held Julian tight and buried his face under his ear, seeking more of his heat and his scent and sweet forgiveness.</p>
<p>“Elim, I...” Julian stroked Garak’s hair; locks split between fingertips; slow sparks roamed his scalp. “Elim...”</p>
<p>Garak sighed a little. “My dear...”</p>
<p>“Hh...” Julian was obviously on the verge of tears. “<i>I’m sorry</i>. I treated you horribly today, didn’t I?”</p>
<p>Garak sobbed into his neck and shook there, clutching Julian too tight, but not caring because Julian held him just as intensely. Julian was pulling his hair to indicate how closely he wanted to be held.</p>
<p>“<i>I forgive you</i>,” came Garak’s near-silent whisper against Julian’s neck. Garak had expected nothing as kind as this, but found himself gorging on the kindness as he always did, never deserving it, but craving it.</p>
<p>Julian soon took Garak’s cheeks in his hands and stroked them, and squirmed until their bodies were completely flush, and Julian’s thigh was tucked between Garak’s.</p>
<p>“Kiss me,” Julian breathed.</p>
<p>“What?” Garak chilled from the top of his head down.</p>
<p>“I want you to kiss me.”</p>
<p>Garak peeled himself back so they could look at each other.</p>
<p>Julian’s eyes were red and puffy with tears; his nose had a dot of wetness under it; his cheeks were flushed and he looked distraught. “Please.”</p>
<p>Garak, unsure, let his eyes dip to Julian’s lips. He imagined it, imagined putting a kiss there. His body tingled but his mind held him back.</p>
<p>“For what reason?” Garak asked, meeting his gaze again.</p>
<p>“I want—” Julian’s tears fell onto the pillow. “I want someone to kiss me.”</p>
<p><i>Someone</i>. Not Garak.</p>
<p>Garak could not. “Apologies, my dear, but—”</p>
<p>Julian surged forward and kissed Garak’s cheek, sniffing there. “Please.” Another cheek kiss. Then a roll of smooches there, closer to his ear, leaving Garak sodden with tears. “Kiss me. Like this.”</p>
<p>Garak was blushing now. Hands shaking. Julian kissed his cheek so desperately. Garak held that wonderfully warm waist and tried to gather his thoughts.</p>
<p>“On the cheek,” Julian clarified in hot breaths. “Just my cheek.”</p>
<p>“Forgive my question, but is that especially intimate for Humans?” Garak asked.</p>
<p>“Friends kiss there, and parents and children kiss there,” Julian said. “It’s platonic.”</p>
<p>“Ah.” Garak smiled. “I think I can manage that.”</p>
<p>Garak pushed Julian back to the bed, and Julian lay there, eyes glistening, mouth trembling around an emotional grimace.</p>
<p>Carefully, Garak leaned over him. Leaned down. Put a kiss on his cheek.</p>
<p>Julian cried. A hand hid some of his embarrassment but failed to hide it all. He gripped Garak’s collar with his other hand, stopping him from moving away. “More,” he begged.</p>
<p>Garak kissed him again. Again.</p>
<p>Held him in the bed.</p>
<p>Kissed his cheek, softly. So softly.</p>
<p>And Julian wept through it, stroking Garak’s chest.</p>
<p>After a dozen kisses, Garak started to purr. Julian relaxed at once and sighed in massive relief.</p>
<p>Garak realised that was what Julian wanted. <i>Needed</i>. He purred harder and kissed Julian’s cheek next to his ear, up closer to his temple, lower to his jaw. Julian wailed in gratitude, shame lessening with each kiss.</p>
<p>Garak concluded in that moment that Julian was now as lonely as he himself usually was. Julian was in the process of coming to terms with the fact that Garak was the only person he had left.</p>
<p>Julian was remembering what affection was like from other people – remembering Jadzia as she sometimes kissed him hello, off-duty; remembered his mother, perhaps; remembered old friends; young Molly O’Brien; any number of Starfleet cadets he’d had an affair with and said goodbye to. He re-lived connections he had once made and still remembered.</p>
<p>He was mourning everyone who he ever loved, and who ever loved him.</p>
<p>Garak kissed him twenty or thirty times on each cheek, until Julian’s face was red and his skin was too hot.</p>
<p>As Garak leaned back, Julian wiped his tears and whispered, “Thank you.”</p>
<p>And they cuddled closer, as Garak still purred. Perhaps it wasn’t a happy purr, more a comforting one, but it helped them both.</p>
<p>Julian put a kiss on Garak’s cheek again. Then rested there, breathing against his finest scales.</p>
<p>“Hmm,” Garak smiled.</p>
<p>“Hm?” Julian asked.</p>
<p>Garak chuckled. “Nothing, my dear. I simply imagined how marvellous it might be if you could purr too. What a cacophony we’d make.”</p>
<p>Julian grinned. “Well, let’s see...” He cleared his throat. “Prr. Prr. Prr.” He rolled his tongue to mimic a purr.</p>
<p>Garak laughed under his breath, then purred for real. “Not quite. Nice try.”</p>
<p>Julian giggled.</p>
<p>Garak delighted in that sound. He settled his head on the pillow, then cradled Julian’s head and gave him another kiss.</p>
<p>“Hm...?” Julian shifted. “What’s <i>that</i> mean?”</p>
<p>Garak, with his eyes shut, raised his eye-ridges. “What does what mean?”</p>
<p>“A kiss on the forehead. What does that mean for Cardassians?”</p>
<p>Garak electrified, eyes open. “Did I kiss you there?”</p>
<p>“Mm-hm.”</p>
<p>“Oh. Oh, it’s the same as it is for Humans,” Garak said, chest tight in dread and hope. He prayed he’d just told a lie.</p>
<p>Julian nodded. “Okay. I wondered because your forehead’s so sensitive.”</p>
<p>“Ah... No, it’s as platonic as a cheek kiss.”</p>
<p>“Hm. Does it feel different to be kissed there compared to your cheek? It must do... Must feel nice...?”</p>
<p>Julian lifted his head and started putting kisses at the top of Garak’s cheek, moving upward towards his forehead.</p>
<p>Garak froze up. “Doctor—” He gripped Julian’s waist when he didn’t stop. Garak was breathless suddenly. “Julian—”</p>
<p>“Mm. Mmh.” Julian put kisses on Garak’s temple. Then the side of his eye ridge. The internal rumble of pleasure in Garak became louder, roaring in his ears and setting fires all over him. Julian kept kissing him. “Mmh. K’s. Mm—”</p>
<p>“Stop!” Garak cried out with a gasp. “Stop...”</p>
<p>Julian stopped.</p>
<p>“Lovers,” Garak panted. “The forehead.” He exhaled. “Lovers only.”</p>
<p>Julian pulled back a bit. “Oh.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t realise.” Garak swallowed. “That I kissed you there.”</p>
<p>Julian shook his head. “It’s okay. It’s neutral for Humans. You can— You can kiss me there.”</p>
<p>“I can’t.” Garak avoided Julian’s eyes. “I can’t.”</p>
<p>Julian slowly bit his lip, sucked it, then freed it. “Can I?”</p>
<p>Garak looked at him sharply. “Pardon?”</p>
<p>“C-Can I kiss you there?” Julian asked, a shake in his voice. “It’s not like anyone would ever find out. You’ve already been letting me touch you there.”</p>
<p>Garak’s heart yearned. Oh, it hurt how badly he wanted...</p>
<p>That simple question from Julian in a moment like this was too much to withstand. So Garak did as Julian accused him of doing earlier: he snapped in two. “Yes.” His eyes blurred with hot tears. “Yes. Julian... kiss me.”</p>
<p>Julian kissed him on his forehead. Kept his lips there. Breathed out.</p>
<p>Stroked his cheek with an open hand.</p>
<p>Kissed his forehead again.</p>
<p>A third time: mouth open a bit, closing to finish the kiss.</p>
<p>Kissed his nose.</p>
<p>Kissed his cheek.</p>
<p>Garak let tears fall but refused to utter a sound. He purred, but purely because he couldn’t help it.</p>
<p>So Julian mourned, and Garak celebrated. Somehow their joy and heartbreak met in the middle, and they held on, forehead to forehead, determined never to let each other down again.</p>
<p>They were all the other had.</p>
<p>They couldn’t let go.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Pondside Picnic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Where once there was a table between them, in the Replimat or at Quark’s, there was now a handwoven picnic basket. Where once there were chairs, there was a sloped bank of grass that flashed lilac or lime depending on how the wind blew. And where once there was a good view of the Promenade and all its people, there was a pond and swimming creatures, just as enthralling to watch.</p>
<p>The hush of a soft wind fluttered the leaves about, and tousled Julian’s hair so each defined wave danced about on his forehead. He pushed his hair out of his face and shook his head.</p>
<p>“I think you’re wrong.”</p>
<p>“My dear Doctor, you always think I’m wrong. If we agreed, I doubt we’d have much to talk about.”</p>
<p>“Now if I disagree with <i>that</i> I’ll prove you right,” Julian grinned, taking a second slice of cured meat out of the basket and laying it over a hunk of exceptionally dense black bread that Garak had made that morning. “I agree with you on most things, Garak. It’s your taste in <i>literature</i> I’ll never understand.”</p>
<p>“Ohhh, never say never, my friend. At present it seems you’ll have all the time you need to gain understanding.” Garak offered Julian a pot of salted vegetable spread, which he scooped out on the back of a spoon and pasted across his lunch. “I’m certain you’ll have made your way through the entirety of the shuttle’s stored reading material before we’re due to leave here.”</p>
<p>Julian scoffed. “If you’re going to encourage me to read exclusively Cardassian epics, I might not get through even <i>one</i>. I’ve read medical textbooks more riveting.”</p>
<p>“Ah.” Garak held up a thoughtful finger, his other hand accepting a slice of bread so he could hold it while Julian served him. “This is why I have trouble believing you dislike the novel, deep down. I’ve seen you devour medical research as eagerly as you might a sandwich. Thank you.” He lifted his open-topped sandwich in cheers, and Julian lifted his own, and they began to eat. Garak shoved his mouthful into his cheek to add, “You have such <i>interest</i> in medical fields, Doctor. And I know from—”</p>
<p>He paused, head down... blushing. He chewed and swallowed.</p>
<p>Julian tilted his head. “What? What do you know?”</p>
<p>“Oh, plenty.”</p>
<p>“Garak...”</p>
<p>Garak tutted. “I know from experience, Doctor, that you are as... as curious to learn about me, and my... type... as you are about the most intricate of surgery techniques. It cannot all be hands-on learning. If you can enjoy a textbook, you can enjoy a novel.”</p>
<p>“Garak, your ‘<i>Cardassian classics</i>’ are all about politics. If we were back on the station, I could—” Julian took a mouthful of sandwich, and hastily chomped it away to clear his mouth. “I could see why that would be relevant then. But you’re here now. You’re a <i>farmer</i>. That’s below service class, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>Garak chortled.</p>
<p>He ate...</p>
<p>His amused expression faded to wonderment. The wind shifted his long hair and he looked out at the view, then down to his bare feet in the grass.</p>
<p>“There’s other ways I can think of to understand you,” Julian said gently, eyes on Garak’s slumped collar and exposed scales. He glanced away before Garak saw him looking. “Other than reading books you were made to read in school, I mean.”</p>
<p>“So! You’ll admit you’re curious about me,” Garak pried.</p>
<p>Julian laughed, head down. “No more than <i>you</i> are about <i>me</i>. And I don’t see you reading a medical textbook to better understand me anytime soon.”</p>
<p>They looked at each other fondly.</p>
<p>“But,” Julian said, “I am teasing a bit.” He grinned. “I don’t hate the book that much. It’s fascinating. There’s more to you than a lifetime of trauma, and fussy, sensory-seeking hedonism. There’s a societal structure behind everything you do, and that’s what’s illustrated in the stories you give me. Cardassian political structures mirror the patriarchal family structure. But you’re getting away from that. Not just now, but for years, you’ve actively <i>distanced</i> yourself from the structure, because of – well, your father – and you’re clearly more drawn to the things that interest women. Engineering, for one. And after being exiled on Deep Space Nine you were sort of forced to <i>abandon</i> the way you were taught to behave, in order to survive and thrive in a Federation-based structure. Then, out <i>here</i>... it got easier.”</p>
<p>Julian drew a breath from the breeze and let it go, satisfied. “That’s why you want me to read <i>Empire of Sons</i>, isn’t it? That’s what you wanted me to understand.”</p>
<p>Garak’s smile reached his eyes. “On the other hand, perhaps I simply wished to torture you.”</p>
<p>Julian yelped and smacked Garak on the arm, laughing. Garak leaned away, taking another mouthful of his food, chuckling as he did.</p>
<p>They ate in silence for a minute, listening to the fauna chirruping and clicking in honour of the sunlight.</p>
<p>Then Garak said, quietly, “Things did change for me on your curs’d <i>Federation</i> starbase. You know the isolation and rejection I felt for many years. You remember my...” caught breath, released; “struggles with... addiction.”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Julian said. He’d never forget. Those were the ten days where he became sure he and Garak were really friends.</p>
<p>Garak nodded. “Nothing I did in that place seemed to matter, but all I ever strived for was not to make my situation worse.” He looked across at Julian, who peered back and saw daylight sparkling in one eye, making it glow blue. “Everything I hated about the place still stands. A world too cold, too bright, too hateful. I’ll add now: things changed too often – to the point where everything was ephemeral. There was little point making personable connections, as any given person would likely be gone in a week’s time. It was a trade route, a stopover, a respite in a thousand people’s journeys to better places. It was not a place anyone sensible ought to call home. And I never did.”</p>
<p>Julian shook his head, picking at his food to straighten it on the bread. “Of course you didn’t call it home. You were exiled, Elim. Cardassia was home for you.”</p>
<p>“‘<i>Was</i>’?” Garak asked, incredulous.</p>
<p>Julian glanced up. “Oh. Well, it’s not really home <i>now</i>, is it? Even if the powers-that-be ever decided to let you back there, it’s not as if you’re able to <i>go</i>. Look around you.” Julian shrugged, digging his toes deeper into the grass, refreshed by the coolness, and the drift of a light wind tickling the blades. “If you ever make it back to Cardassia and you’re not <i>repulsed</i> by being forced back into the traditional structure, I’d be surprised. People rejected you on DS9 for being different, didn’t they – so imagine how much you’d stand out back on your native planet. You’d hate it. It’s not you anymore. I’d go so far as to say it never suited you in the first place, or you wouldn’t be <i>here</i> now. Certainly not with me.”</p>
<p>Julian ate the rest of his sandwich contentedly, and sucked a smudge of vegetable spread off his thumb once he was done. He smiled up at the sky, and shut his eyes to enjoy the heat on his face. The trees provided shade enough that it wasn’t scalding.</p>
<p>So peaceful here...</p>
<p>Julian swallowed the last of his food, then with a hum, exhaled and lay back in the grass, hands tucked behind his head. His thin t-shirt fluttered at the hem, picked at by the rush of swirling eddies that got caught in the pond and liked to explore.</p>
<p>He heard Garak set aside the picnic basket, and felt a gentle nudge to his elbow as Garak lay down beside him.</p>
<p>Julian turned his head to look at his companion. Garak stared up into the shattered sunlight, preoccupied, eyes glazed over.</p>
<p>“What’s on your mind?” Julian asked.</p>
<p>Garak took a while to answer. When he did, it was in a quiet, low voice. “Where do you see yourself in the coming years?”</p>
<p>Julian shifted his head to look upwards again. “Well, I don’t know,” he said, surprised by the question. “Can we really think about that when we don’t know what’s happening tomorrow?” He smirked. “I like that about here. Every day’s an adventure.”</p>
<p>Garak hummed flatly. When Julian glanced over he looked bothered.</p>
<p>“Where do you see yourself?” Julian asked.</p>
<p>Garak smiled but only glanced over briefly. “In all honesty, Doctor? For much of my life I never expected to live to the end of the day.”</p>
<p>Julian’s mouth slid open. “That’s horrible.”</p>
<p>“That’s the truth, I’m afraid,” Garak said.</p>
<p>Julian beamed at that. Truths from Garak were becoming so common to hear. “And now? Where do you see yourself? Five years from now, say.”</p>
<p>Garak smiled. “Ohh, there are too many possibilities...”</p>
<p>Julian felt a surge of joy, and he grinned at his friend, dazzled by what he’d said. “What about five minutes from now?”</p>
<p>Garak looked over, curious. “Do you have something in mind?”</p>
<p>Julian bit his lip and grinned, pushing up to rest on all fours, looking down at Garak. “Take a dip with me. Cool off.”</p>
<p>Garak purred a little. “A pleasant idea...”</p>
<p>Julian took off his t-shirt in a rush, then wiggled around and lay back, arching his hips up to denude himself. With a laugh and a flash of a look towards Garak, he launched himself up and hopscotched his way down to the water, plunging into the deepest part off the edge of a tree root. He hit the water and hooted with exhilaration: all of him was refreshed in a blast and excitement rose, flashing inside him like party lights.</p>
<p>He stood upon the lumpy, slimy base of the pool, so the water came up to his middle. Having pushed his sodden curls out his face, he saw Garak undressing out of his underwear, then finally coming down the grassy embankment to touch his toes to the water.</p>
<p>Julian swam closer, then began to wade to reach Garak, who, ever the gentleman, tried to maintain his own modesty with a hand in front of the ridges leading down to his cloaca. Julian reached him, took his hand, and pulled him deeper into the water. Garak followed, smiling so much it reached his eyes.</p>
<p>Julian stepped back and stood upon the base again—</p>
<p>“Ow!”</p>
<p>Garak snatched for Julian to hold his arm steady. “What happened?”</p>
<p>Julian shook his head, glancing down into the water. “Oh... nothing, must’ve stepped on something...”</p>
<p>“You’re all right?”</p>
<p>Julian nodded, grinning. “Want to race me? First to the other bank wins the last bit of swamptree fruit in the fridge.”</p>
<p>Garak rolled his eyes, but agreed by setting off that way.</p>
<p>Julian’s lithe body cut the water with ease, but Garak was more the powerful swimmer, so they were forever an even match. Julian still felt his foot twinging, yet kept kicking until the discomfort was left far behind him in a trail of white.</p>
<p>Garak pulled ahead at the last moment and touched the rockface embedded under an alcove, where fresh water poured down into the pond. Garak laughed, pushing hair out of his face and looking back to see Julian, who swam lethargically up to join Garak.</p>
<p>“I’ve never known you as one to give up,” Garak accused, giving Julian a playfully disdainful look.</p>
<p>Julian glanced down. “I don’t know, my foot felt funny. Floaty.”</p>
<p>Garak hummed. “Perhaps you ought to rest.”</p>
<p>Julian scoffed. But shrugged. His foot was starting to sting. “Maybe...”</p>
<p>He swam back to the bank, and Garak followed soon after.</p>
<p>Julian waded towards the bank, finding himself needing to limp as the single touch of his sole to even the softest sand sent shocks up his body. Garak hurried from the water to guide Julian by the elbow, looking at him in concern.</p>
<p>“It’s nothing,” Julian assured him, while holding onto him so he could walk on the side of his foot back to their picnic spot. “Just stings a bit.”</p>
<p>“Sit down,” Garak said, hurriedly taking his discarded underwear from the grass and pulling it on. “Let me look.”</p>
<p>Julian placed his wet buttocks right on the grass, leaning back on the slope to prop himself up on his elbows. He dragged his own clothes to cover his private areas, and allowed Garak to kneel at his feet and lift his heel.</p>
<p>Garak’s expression didn’t change, but his posture did: he stood up and let Julian’s foot down. “Put your clothes on,” he advised. “Leave the basket.” He offered his arm ready to help Julian up. “We’ll take care of it at the shuttle.”</p>
<p>“What, what’s wrong?”</p>
<p>“Nothing a disinfectant wash and a dermal regenerator won’t fix. Be quick; you’re bleeding.”</p>
<p>“Am I? Damn.”</p>
<p>Garak pulled his top on while Julian wriggled his way back into his t-shirt and shorts, careful not to let his foot touch them. Curious, he touched his sole with his palm...</p>
<p>“Garak!” Julian looked up, betrayed. His palm was covered in blood. “It’s about five times worse than you let me believe.”</p>
<p>“Hurry, then, my dear.” Garak took Julian’s hand and helped him up. “Can you walk?”</p>
<p>“Help me up the slope,” Julian said, and Garak did. He clung to Julian as he limped, and they reached the peak of the ridge around the pond within a few seconds. Then into the forest...</p>
<p>Progress was slower on dirty ground. Julian kept accidentally putting his foot down and hissing in pain, only to make the same mistake again.</p>
<p>“Guess this is why they invented shoes,” Julian uttered with a laugh.</p>
<p>“The callouses on our feet have strengthened over these past months, but alas, it only takes one sharp rock at the wrong angle to hit the arch and... Hm.”</p>
<p>“Tell me about it...”</p>
<p>Julian began to sweat from exertion. He was struggling to keep up with Garak’s urgency, and didn’t need to look back to see he was leaving a trail of blood.</p>
<p>Eventually Garak paused him, and asked, quietly, “Would you be offended if I were to carry you?”</p>
<p>Julian gave a tentative grin. “Offended? Why would I be?”</p>
<p>Garak blinked a few times. “Evidently you haven’t read <i>Empire of Sons</i> to the end.”</p>
<p>“I’ll accept a spoiler. And a lift.”</p>
<p>Garak bent down and carefully took Julian with a strong arm under his thighs and another under his mid-back. Julian yelped when lifted, then panted through laughter, clinging to Garak’s shoulders. It felt so strange to be off the ground, bobbing, afloat with that astonishing Cardassian strength supporting his whole body.</p>
<p>Garak carried him to the edge of the forest, then into the field where the sun was unfiltered. Julian was not envious of Garak’s feet upon the dirt, knowing it would burn him.</p>
<p>“So, tell me,” Julian said, “what is this for Cardassians? Carrying someone.”</p>
<p>Garak sighed. “A gesture of... care. Nurturing... perhaps dominance. The parent carries the child. The owner carries the pet. The Gul carries the soldier. The triumphant mate... carries the...” Garak trailed off, avoiding Julian’s eyes and focusing on the path to the shuttle.</p>
<p>Julian smiled. “It’s the same for Humans. It’s not a big deal, Garak. You’re just helping me. I can’t really be offended by that.”</p>
<p>Garak flashed him a relieved glance. “There are men who would’ve been.”</p>
<p>“I’m not one of them,” Julian promised.</p>
<p>Those words rang in Julian’s head, over and over as they made their way back to the shuttle. He wondered what Garak thought of his own actions: carrying another man, despite the implications it had for him.</p>
<p>Just one more thing to prove he’d changed.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Keeses for the Leezard</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Garak carried Julian to the door of the shuttle, and Julian reached out to open the curtain ahead of them. Garak set Julian down inside the entrance, and Julian hobbled to the bed and sat down.</p>
<p>“I’ll get the sterile water,” Garak said, rolling up his sleeves. “Replicate some disinfectant, if you please.”</p>
<p>Julian did as he was told, and sank back to the bed.</p>
<p>Garak took a minute...</p>
<p>Waiting, Julian lifted his right foot to rest on his left knee with a grimace. The wound stung whenever he moved. He pressed his lips together in annoyance as he saw a gash from his foot’s arch to the ball of his foot, dotted with sand and dirt. Dark, thick blood slid from the side of his foot and dripped onto the metal floor.</p>
<p>Garak entered from the cargo hold carrying the empty washing tub. He set that out of Julian’s reach, then took the clay pitcher from the shuttle’s main control console and left again.</p>
<p>He returned with the pitcher full and heavy in one hand, and carried their Starfleet-issue medical kit in the other.</p>
<p>He knelt in front of Julian, set the tub between his thighs, held Julian’s heel gently, and began to pour water over his foot. Julian leaned down to clean the blood from his own hands in the lukewarm flow.</p>
<p>Then Garak touched his hand to the underside of Julian’s foot – and Julian shrieked, hands fisted in the sheets, body tense.</p>
<p>“Shhh,” Garak soothed. “Sh-sh-sh-sh.”</p>
<p>Julian tried to breathe easily, swallowing twice, whining as Garak fingered at the injury to work out any grains of sand.</p>
<p>“Ow-ow-ow, Garak, Garak—”</p>
<p>“I know,” Garak said. “Almost done.”</p>
<p>Julian reached out and held Garak’s shoulder ridges, gripping tight. Garak grunted, but allowed it.</p>
<p>“Ah...” Julian squirmed, legs shaking. Lightning shot up his body every time Garak pawed at the cut.</p>
<p>“Pass me the disinfectant,” Garak said.</p>
<p>Julian handed over the packet between trembling fingers.</p>
<p>Garak set aside the bowl and pitcher, then opened the disinfectant packet, pulling out a wipe. “This may sting.”</p>
<p>Julian laughed bitterly, shaking his head at the ceiling. “<i>May</i>,” he said, with great sarcasm. “Your bedside manner is better than I expected.”</p>
<p>“Hopefully my medical care’s even better.”</p>
<p>“Ohh, you’re not doing too badl—AAAAH!”</p>
<p>Julian flung himself back on the bed, hands over his face, breathing raggedly into his palms. “Shitshitshitshit—” Searing, screaming pain had overtaken his leg, white light in his foot, flashing cold every time Garak drew the wipe over the injury.</p>
<p>“Relax, my dear,” Garak urged. “You’re tensing your foot.”</p>
<p>“Gaa-ha-ha-haaaaa,” Julian complained. But he relaxed.</p>
<p>Garak finished with the wipe, then hastened to pick up the dermal regenerator, which was always in view and always within grasp. But he growled in frustration when, yet again, it would not function for more than a minute as it never charged fully.</p>
<p>“The injury is sealed,” Garak said, checking. “But there’ll be a scar, and it’s not healed inside.”</p>
<p>“You realise you’re telling me things I already know?”</p>
<p>Garak chuckled. “You’re the patient, dear Julian. Allow me to be the doctor for once.”</p>
<p>Julian smiled awkwardly, warmed by the idea as much as bothered. “Bandage me up now, would you?”</p>
<p>“Ah, of course,” Garak said. “I knew there was something I’d forgotten.”</p>
<p>Oddly, that made Julian feel better. He might not mind being ‘dominated’ by a Cardassian who could carry him to safety, but when it came to medical know-how, he prefered to be the one giving orders. Even if Garak was only pretending to forget what to do.</p>
<p>Garak stayed where he was and applied padding and bandages, which was the easiest part for Julian to sit through. Or lie through, in this case. He growled and hissed as rough fabrics touched sensitive nerves, but once Garak announced he was done, the pain was no more than a throbbing annoyance.</p>
<p>“How are you feeling, my dear?”</p>
<p>Julian mumbled noncommittally, pouting.</p>
<p>Garak hummed a sympathetic response, holding Julian’s heel and stroking at the exposed parts of his skin with both thumbs. “I suggest you take some antibiotics.”</p>
<p>Julian grumbled. “I made it this long without getting hurt and I get taken down by a rock the size of my <i>toe</i>.”</p>
<p>“I’ll take over the more active chores until you’re healed enough to walk,” Garak said. His breath gusted against Julian’s bare knee, making the hairs there tingle. “You can cook.”</p>
<p>“Well, that’s a factually questionable statement,” Julian smiled.</p>
<p>“You can make food slightly more edible,” Garak corrected, and Julian laughed.</p>
<p>Garak put a kiss on Julian’s knee.</p>
<p>Fireworks <i>erupted</i> in Julian’s body and he wondered – did he really feel that? Was it something else...?</p>
<p>Julian twisted his head down to try and see past his own torso and the rumpled blankets. Garak still knelt at his feet, eyes downcast, wearing a worried frown.</p>
<p>“Did you just kiss me?” Julian asked, heart fluttering.</p>
<p>Garak glanced up to meet his gaze, eyes watering with embarrassment. “I... I—”</p>
<p>“Do it again?” Julian demanded in a flash of boldness.</p>
<p>Garak’s eye-ridges rose. “Your... knee?”</p>
<p>Julian nodded.</p>
<p>Garak hesitated, but then shut his eyes and placed a tender kiss on Julian’s knee. Julian heard it, and he relaxed.</p>
<p>“It helps,” he said. “I-I think... my foot hurts less.”</p>
<p>“Oh?” Garak chuckled. “Hmmm, in that case...”</p>
<p>He kissed Julian’s knee, then... gosh... lifted his heel and started to kiss down his leg, nose and lips touching and pressing, once every few inches... Julian’s body soared with elation, breathless as a still and shining night.</p>
<p>Garak reached Julian’s foot and kissed the ankle, then the bandages, then... stopped. He lowered Julian’s foot to his warm lap, smiling widely.</p>
<p>Julian didn’t know what to do with himself.</p>
<p>Garak chuckled, eyes averted. He stroked Julian’s foot again, but didn’t seem prepared to get up and leave, or do anything else.</p>
<p>Julian slowly sat up, looking down at Garak, who didn’t look back.</p>
<p>Gingerly, Julian reached out to tuck his fingers under Garak’s chin...</p>
<p>Garak didn’t resist as Julian lifted his face and met his gaze.</p>
<p>There was a swirling, excitable eagerness in Julian’s entire form now. He nosed closer, down, down...</p>
<p>He put a kiss on Garak’s cheek.</p>
<p>They hadn’t kissed since that night, nearly a month ago. Yes, they’d slept with bodies entwined, and they’d continued their nightly routines with stroking hands, Julian without clothes on once or twice. But that night, that one night they’d kissed so many times, it remained the only time they’d expanded acceptable affection to include kisses.</p>
<p>Until now.</p>
<p>Garak looked at Julian, pleading, helpless. Julian had anointed him with a single cheek kiss but he didn’t look certain what to do to respond. So Julian kissed him again, lips open on his ear ridges. Soft. Smooching.</p>
<p>Garak relaxed and turned his head. “Oh...”</p>
<p>Julian dragged both hands into Garak’s hair and began to kiss him more fiercely, smothering his cheek in all the affections he’d held back these last weeks. Affections he’d often thought about giving but never gave. “Garak,” he breathed. “Oh my God.” He mouthed at his ear, then his jaw, then gasped and released burning hot breath on Garak’s chin. “Kiss me back.”</p>
<p>Garak grasped Julian’s head and returned his kisses with as much want and heat, groaning once when Julian scrunched a fist into his damp shoulder-length hair.</p>
<p>“Can we...” Julian panted on Garak’s cheek. “In bed?”</p>
<p>Garak nodded. “Lie down.”</p>
<p>Julian hurried to lie back. He bit his lip and opened his arms as Garak joined him over the messy covers, pupils widened, eye contact intense.</p>
<p>“I’ve wanted to...” Julian shut his eyes and tilted his head back, mouth open and gasping twice in succession as Garak began to kiss under his ear. “I wanted to kiss you. All this time.”</p>
<p>Garak nodded. “And I, too,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“I didn’t know how to ask.”</p>
<p>“Just ask,” Garak whispered. He shook his head. “Simply say it, my dear.”</p>
<p>“Touch me,” Julian panted, eyes shut. He peeked open his eyes, blinded by how much light there was around him, afternoon blazing through the open curtain. “Like we usually do. But kiss too?”</p>
<p>Garak nodded, laying halfway on top of Julian, nuzzling at his neck. He started to purr, mouth open, sealing kisses only occasionally against his collarbone. A wide hand slid down Julian’s chest, to his belly – Julian gasped and tensed in anticipation – Garak’s hand reached the hem of his shirt, and backed up underneath, skin to skin.</p>
<p>Pleasure <i>flooded</i> Julian’s body, dizzying. He loved Garak touching his stomach. Knowing he could feel every <i>breath</i>. Julian ought not feel safe like that, with a predator’s talons on his belly, but he liked the wrongness of it. He <i>wanted</i> that feeling. He trusted it would only feel lovely when Garak put his hand there.</p>
<p>“Elim?”</p>
<p>“Hm.”</p>
<p>“Are you... <i>curious</i> about me?”</p>
<p>Garak laughed. “What a question!”</p>
<p>“I want to know.” Julian looked at Garak seriously when he pulled back to make eye contact. “I want... to find out...” His eyes lowered along with a hand, trailing down Garak’s bare chest, to the open collar of his shirt...</p>
<p>Garak’s purr became fervent, breath intermittent on Julian’s jaw. Garak even pushed his body onto Julian, growling low.</p>
<p>“Can I look?” Julian asked under his breath.</p>
<p>“At what?”</p>
<p>“At you.”</p>
<p>Garak searched his eyes. “You’ve seen me already.”</p>
<p>“I want to <i>look</i>.”</p>
<p>Garak swallowed. He wet his lips, apparently struggling for a few breaths.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to,” Julian said, in case Garak didn’t want to, since he wasn’t as keen as Julian expected. “I-I just thought...” He chilled. “Sorry—” He sat up a bit. “Sorry, I think I might’ve misread this. We shouldn’t get science and sentimentality messed up, should we? Oh, this is embarrassing. Let me out, I’ll go.”</p>
<p>“Mh—” Garak touched Julian’s waist. “Wait.”</p>
<p>Julian slowly lay down again.</p>
<p>Garak swallowed. “What... do you want, exactly?”</p>
<p>Julian scruffled a hand through his drying hair. “Um.” He decided to play it safe. “I... want to see your chest.” Blushing now. Bloody hell, what a thing to ask for. “Because I’ve touched you over your shirt, but I haven’t really seen you – or <i>any</i> Cardassian up close, and I want to know where the purr is coming from. I do <i>try</i> not to look when you take your clothes off, but—”</p>
<p>“Doctor.” Garak was smiling. “Julian.” He shook his head slowly. “My dear. I think... just this once... we could afford to get science and sentimentality mixed up. Don’t you?”</p>
<p>Julian’s heart flipped when Garak sat up and pulled off his cotton undershirt, grey arms long and muscles shifting under his scales; ribcage heaving with a breath.</p>
<p>Garak opened his arms. “Well?”</p>
<p>Julian was just flustered at first, too shy to look.</p>
<p>“This,” Garak said, resting forward on his front, propped up on his elbows, “is a twin for the sensor on my forehead, but far less sensitive to the air. More so to pressured contact.”</p>
<p>Julian finally glanced down. There was another spoon-shape where Garak was pointing – he’d felt it through fabric many times. It was firm and rough-edged...</p>
<p>He reached out a fingertip to touch it. Garak purred gently, eyes shut as Julian fingered around the ridge, mapping the scales.</p>
<p>“That’s where,” Julian whispered. “That’s where I touch and it makes you purr.”</p>
<p>Garak nodded. He groaned at the back of his throat and lay down on his side facing Julian, nuzzling into the pillow.</p>
<p>“What does it feel like?” Julian shifted to lie closer to Garak’s front, while all four fingertips roamed that ridge and the surrounding area. “When I touch this, what’s it like?”</p>
<p>“Hmmmm... Fulfilling,” Garak sighed. A smile played at the corners of his mouth. “It makes me... very... content.”</p>
<p>“Safe?”</p>
<p>“Ssssafe.” Garak relaxed, purring deeply. “Ohh, Julian...”</p>
<p>Julian’s hand moved down, then back up, skimming his palm over the ridge. Garak opened his mouth against the pillow and moaned aloud.</p>
<p>Smiling, Julian nudged closer and started to kiss Garak’s forehead ridges at the same time. Garak tensed, breath halted. Then he started panting.</p>
<p>Julian nosed Garak until he rolled onto his back. Julian moved to hover over him, looking down to gauge how Garak seemed. He looked dazed, flushed in his cheeks, and perhaps uncertain, as if he didn’t know what Julian was going to do, but Julian waited until their eyes met, and held on...</p>
<p>Garak gradually relaxed, finding solace in Julian’s expression.</p>
<p>Julian kept hold of his gaze as he stroked Garak’s chest. Garak’s lashes fluttered, lips shaking in half-smiles. A soft whimper escaped him as Julian ran his hand over his pectoral muscles, where there was a rise but no nipple.</p>
<p>Now sure Garak was convinced of his trust, and eager to explore more, Julian bounced in the bed and got himself between Garak’s legs. He grinned at Garak while getting comfy over him, wriggling down until their bellies were in contact and Julian could kiss Garak’s chin.</p>
<p>Garak shut his eyes, still purring. It was an easygoing purr now. Careless and unselfconscious.</p>
<p>Julian lifted his head and looked down between their bodies, watching his own hand traverse the plane of Garak’s chest. As Garak drew a breath in and his chest rose, Julian vocalised a note of shock, eyes widening in wonder: he’d felt him inhale, and felt his purr change along with the movement.</p>
<p>Garak, surprised, let the breath go again.</p>
<p>Julian glanced to his face, waiting for him to breathe in again.</p>
<p>Garak did (carefully, deeply) and Julian’s mouth opened in wonder, a soft moan of “ohh...” flowing from him involuntarily. He blushed but didn’t retract his statement. He held Garak’s chest and waited for another breath.</p>
<p>For over a minute, Julian remained enthralled by the rhythm. Garak purred uninterrupted, his sound unbroken whether he was inhaling or exhaling. But Julian could tell the difference: it sounded rattly exhaling, and thrummed inhaling. And the vibration felt <i>glorious</i> under his hands.</p>
<p>Garak’s own hands moved to hold Julian’s neck, stroking skin, then the base of his skull where skin met hair. </p>
<p>Julian shut his eyes and let himself moan, “Feels nice...”</p>
<p>Garak took that as encouragement, and opened his hands all the way up into Julian’s hair, and Julian moaned loudly, not realising until that second how badly he’d needed to be touched there. His scalp tingled and sparkled and throbbed with the kind of pain that might only be a tickle if he thought about it another way. He vocalised a few breaths, head down to nudge and push into Garak’s welcome touch.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Julian whispered. “Oh, <i>yes</i>.”</p>
<p>Soon Julian moaned low and lay his muzzle against Garak’s breast, kissing.</p>
<p>Garak scrunched into his hair. “Julian...”</p>
<p>“Mmm. Mmh.” Julian smooched at Garak’s chest, moving to the ridge over his heart. “Oh, yeah. God.” He licked and kissed and breathed hot, panting as he dragged his lips into another kiss for Garak’s shifting chest. “Here.” He kissed Garak’s ridge. “Is that nice?”</p>
<p>Garak whimpered desperately, nodding. “Yes,” he squeaked. “Very!”</p>
<p>Julian smirked. “Mmmm. Good. Good...” He kissed down, eyes half-shut, swirls of affection coursing through him. “Mmm. Hhh...”</p>
<p>“Why—” Garak’s chest was rising and falling so hugely now. “Julian, why are you—?”</p>
<p>“I want to,” Julian whispered. He reached the base of Garak’s ribcage where it became softer towards his gut. “I wan’h... wanna kiss you... all over. Everywhere.”</p>
<p>Garak whimpered, legs squirming in the bed, hands tense around Julian’s head. “Ju’hliaannhh...”</p>
<p>“Mmmmhh...” Julian kissed deeply into Garak’s soft belly, feeling muscle under the fat. “You smell like the flowers around the pond. Smells nice.”</p>
<p>Garak laughed, shaking the whole bed. “You— You too. You toohhhh... <i>Auhh...</i>” His hips pushed into Julian’s chest, then retreated. Garak panted and panted, burning hot under Julian’s ministrations. </p>
<p>Julian devoted himself to pampering Garak for a long while, eyes closed, feeling his way about Garak’s chest and shoulders by touch alone. Garak would go quiet for a while, then would randomly tense up and call out. Once he begged under his breath for more; other times he’d relax, or laugh...</p>
<p>Julian made his way back up to Garak’s neck, and sucked on his ridge scales a little, thinking Garak might like that. He’d never done that before.</p>
<p>Garak grasped Julian’s waist. “Oh,” Garak said. His eyes rolled back under fluttering eyelids, and his breaths came ragged and desperate. “<i>Oh</i>, my d’hh...”</p>
<p>Julian licked...</p>
<p>Garak drew a harsh breath, tense suddenly, legs grasping Julian’s waist. He wrenched a hand out of Julian’s hair and threw it somewhere lower between their bodies.</p>
<p>Julian stopped kissing in case he’d hurt him...</p>
<p>Garak looked terrified. His eyes darted to Julian then down, then back to Julian.</p>
<p>“What?” Julian asked softly. “Are you all right?”</p>
<p>Garak couldn’t speak. He was flushed completely, eyes watering, lips plump. “I— I think I just—”</p>
<p>Julian looked around, then looked down. Garak’s hand was gently sneaking back out from between his legs. “What?”</p>
<p>Garak swallowed. He shook his head, forcing a smile. “Don’t worry. I’m fine.”</p>
<p>“What happened?”</p>
<p>Garak slowly shut his eyes, relaxing as he smiled. “Caught a nerve.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Julian cooed sympathetically. “Need me to rub something for you?”</p>
<p>Garak chuckled, lips parting, eyes half-closed. “I think... you’ve done quite enough to me today, my dear.” He looked at Julian so fondly, so sweetly, that it made Julian rush with warmth. “Hmmmmm, come here.”</p>
<p>He cradled Julian to his chest, holding him tight and close. One kiss touched Julian’s forehead, breath flowing out there.</p>
<p>Garak stroked up and down Julian’s back, purring all the while.</p>
<p>Julian supposed it was time to cuddle rather than kiss, and so he cuddled, smiling. He got comfortable, and relaxed completely.</p>
<p>“Julian... May I ask you something?”</p>
<p>“Hm? Mm-hm.”</p>
<p>“It’s... <i>deeply</i> personal.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Julian didn’t tend to classify thoughts that way. Weren’t all questions personal?</p>
<p>He answered: “I don‘t mind. Go ahead.”</p>
<p>Garak played with Julian’s hair, taking a few breaths as he formulated his phrasing. “I-Is this... sexual... for you?”</p>
<p>“This?” Julian lifted his head. “No, we’re just cuddling.”</p>
<p>“I mean – before. Kissing me. When you wanted to kiss me everywhere.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Julian blushed. “Um.” He thought about it, carefully setting his cheek back to Garak’s loud chest. “It’s exciting. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t. But no, it’s not <i>sexual</i>.”</p>
<p>“Why do you want to kiss me?”</p>
<p>Julian smiled, shrugging into their embrace, delighted that Garak was still playing with his hair. “I like you.”</p>
<p>“Is that all?”</p>
<p>After a scoff, Julian answered with sarcasm. “<i>Is</i> that <i>all</i>. I like you a <i>lot</i>, I’ll have you know.”</p>
<p>Garak exhaled, drawing soft fingertips over Julian’s scalp. “That’s a relief,” he said.</p>
<p>Julian squeezed Garak’s torso for a tighter hug. “Relief... So... it’s platonic for you, is it?”</p>
<p>Garak’s hand settled and went still in his hair. “Yes. Entirely platonic.”</p>
<p>Despite the warmth caused by everything they’d just done together, Julian felt chilly after those last words.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, they were true words, and it wasn’t Julian’s place to try and sway Garak’s feelings for him.</p>
<p>If Garak had asked if Julian’s urges were romantic, maybe he would’ve answered differently.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. The Arrivals</h2></a>
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    <p>“<i>Nnnnooobody does... it beeetter...</i>” Julian pulled a peg from between his teeth and pinned the sheet on the clothesline. “<i>Maaakes me feel sad fooorrr the reeeest...</i>”</p><p>Garak, sitting behind Julian, uttered, “Singing again, my dear?”</p><p>“You love it.”</p><p>“Do I!” Garak harrumphed a laugh. “Whatever gave you that impression?”</p><p>Julian pegged the other side of the sheet, and moseyed up to Garak’s turned back. Garak sat on a stool, with his legs open around another stool, upon which sat the washing tub. His hands dipped in and out as he soaped up the next sheet.</p><p>“<i>Nooo-body does iiiit,</i>” Julian sang, smiling as he draped himself over Garak’s wide shoulders and lay his chin on his neck ridges, “<i>haaaalf as good aaaaas youuuu...</i>”</p><p>“You live to distract me, don’t you?”</p><p>“<i>Baaaby, you’re the best...!</i>”</p><p>Garak chuckled. “I’m hardly a baby.”</p><p>“Mm.” Julian kissed his cheek. “You cry like one.”</p><p>“How dare you.”</p><p>“Peckish?” Julian asked, as he slipped away.</p><p>“Ah?” Garak opened his mouth, not looking away from his washing tub.</p><p>Julian popped a nutty-olive into his own mouth, then placed one on Garak’s tongue.</p><p>“<i>I wasn’t looookiiing—</i>”</p><p>“Oh, for goodness’ sake.”</p><p>Julian laughed, chewing as he sang, “<i>But somehow you fooound me—</i>”</p><p>“If you <i>knew</i> how bad you sound—”</p><p>Julian draped himself over his friend again and sang a little louder. “<i>I tried to hide from your loooove liiight—</i>”</p><p>Garak sighed and scrambled his hands through the soapy water, stirring the sheet.</p><p>Julian gave him a squeeze and a kiss on his jaw. “<i>But like Heaven above me...</i></p><p>Garak mumbled, “<i>The spy who loved me...</i>”</p><p>Julian grinned and sang with him, “<i>Is keeping all my secrets safe toooniiiight...</i>”</p><p>He nuzzled his cheek against Garak’s untidy bob of hair, beaming. Then he gave him another kiss, and another, pushing more and more insistently until Garak scoffed.</p><p>“My dear, do you want these sheets washed or not?” Garak asked.</p><p>“Hmmm.” Julian snuggled him, arms around his chest from behind. “Maybe if I get a kiss I’ll leave you alone.”</p><p>“That’s what you say every time.”</p><p>“Well, <i>sweetheart</i>, you fall for it every time. Not giving me much incentive to change tactics, now, are you?”</p><p>Garak grunted. He pretended he hated being called ‘sweetheart’ but it remained his magic word. A soapy hand shot out of the tub, grabbed Julian by his fuzzy black jaw, and held him captive as Garak planted a kiss on his cheek.

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</div> <br/>Julian laughed through it, shoving Garak away but failing. “No— No, properly,” Julian said, wiping soap suds off his beard.<p>“Ah, ‘properly’,” Garak uttered, with blue eyes glinting in the sun. “Perhaps you’d like to be sent a formal invitation?”</p><p>“Just kiss me,” Julian urged with a jokingly resigned sigh. He stroked a hand through Garak’s hair for him, tidying it until it shone in the light. “And keep your soap suds to yourself.”</p><p>Garak tutted and picked up a towel by his feet, using it to dry off his hands. “You’re lucky you get any affection at all, for someone so picky about how it’s offered.”</p><p>“Coming from anyone but you, Garak, I’d take that as an insult.”</p><p>Garak turned on his stool to face Julian, hands on the knees of his cotton britches. “Believe me, I meant it as one.”</p><p>“Oh? One problem.” Julian leaned down to put a kiss on Garak’s forehead, and lingered there to smile. “You’re never satisfied until I get what I want.”</p><p>Garak grunted. “Hardly likely.”</p><p>“It’s the truth.”</p><p>“All lies.”</p><p>“And the urge to prove it is irresistible?” Julian pranced away. “Catch me first!”</p><p>He ducked behind the first row of bedsheets with a giggle.</p><p>He heard Garak smile despite the heavy sigh. Then came a creaky vocalisation of “Hngh— Ah!” as he stood up.</p><p>“A far cry from your holosuite games, isn’t it,” Garak uttered, pacing between washing lines to find Julian, who’d already ducked back to where he began, unnoticed. “Once running from some villain with a master plan... And now?”</p><p>Julian pounced on Garak from behind and made him yelp. Garak turned, halfway caught in a white sheet, and oh, how his eyes lit up. He lurched for Julian, who scampered away in delight, chased by this stumbling older man who forever seemed so much younger in these bright moments, the times they were mere children under a not-so-foreign sun.</p><p>Julian’s shrieks echoed through their plateau and the thump of his hand on the shuttle’s side ricocheted after, but then all that could be heard was breathing, breathing, panting as Julian ran and ran away on his long legs, bare feet in the burning-hot dirt. Garak sped after him, swiping at the tassels of Julian’s crepe-fabric trousers as they chased each other between shoulder-high crops nearly ready for harvest, to the end of a row and then back.</p><p>Garak sprinted close enough to paw at the sweat on Julian’s bare back, but with a laugh he got away, waking up the blue bottle-bugs and sending a dozen of them out of the grass in alarm as he hurtled back for the shuttle.</p><p>Julian reached the nutty-olive trees and darted between the trunks, hands on the bark for balance as he swung from shadow to shadow – then back into the open, sure he’d lost Garak in the trees.</p><p>He crept around the back of the shuttle, tiptoeing on the edge of the forest...</p><p>He walked backwards into the open, eyes on the forest he’d left behind, grinning. Behind the cover of the clothesline, he stood to catch his breath, and folded forwards to recover. “Phewh.”</p><p>He stood – and was taken into a warm pair of familiar arms. Garak kissed his neck. “Got you.”</p><p>Julian melted in his touch, electrified by losing. “Oh.”</p><p>Garak nosed at his throat. Garak’s heart was still pounding – Julian could feel it pumping against his back. It was a robust organ: the strongest Julian had ever felt, and ever wanted to feel. Starlight twinkled within him at the sensation.</p><p>Julian turned around and hung his arms around Garak’s shoulders, gleeful at how closely Garak held him despite the rising heat of day.</p><p>They looked into each other’s eyes, enraptured by the thrill that shone mirrored there. The scent of fruit ghosted in Julian’s senses, riding on their shared exhales. Garak let his eyes lower first, all the way down to Julian’s chest. He started to purr.</p><p>Julian smiled lopsidedly, which soon became a grin. “Jumping the gun a bit, aren’t you... Don’t you owe me a <i>proper</i> kiss?”</p><p>“I’m well within my rights to be content without such things.”</p><p>“Yes, but,” Julian hugged him close and set their cheeks together, eyes closed...</p><p>He didn’t have an end to that sentence. He was always satisfied by Garak’s vibration. It shook darkness and doubt out of his mind, and revived him as much as it soothed him.</p><p>Garak finally began to kiss him, lips to Julian’s cheek.</p><p>Julian tilted his head to the side so there was more room. Smiling. Relaxing. Enjoying the affection.</p><p>Garak let a few of his kisses linger, and some were more playful than others; barely-parted lips, perhaps the very tip of his tongue lapped against Julian’s skin. Julian grew so blissed by the attention that he let his head fall back, throat exposed so Garak could kiss him there.</p><p>He did – and Julian’s lips parted, breath rushing out with a shudder.</p><p>Julian combed his fingers through Garak’s hair, using that grip to steer kisses, wanting Garak to kiss his jaw, then his temple, just below his eye...</p><p>Although his lips tingled, he resisted the urge to guide Garak that way. That was a fantasy he’d be keeping to himself. He made do by sucking his own lower lip, pretending.</p><p>Between weighty flutters of the drying sheets in the wind, Julian heard something go <i>ssshhhnnnnnn</i>.</p><p>“Hm,” Garak said, between smooches to Julian’s neck. “What was that?”</p><p>Julian tilted his head that way. “<i>I</i> don’t know. Sheet’s in the way.”</p><p>“Mm.” Garak cuddled Julian’s lower back in his arms, nuzzling under his ear. “Flying lizard got into the turbine, no doubt.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Julian kept listening, though. Tense.</p><p>Garak noticed his tension and slowly released him. He eyed him curiously. “Something wrong?”</p><p>Julian’s eyes were set on something he couldn’t yet see. He stepped to the side, and pulled back the wettest sheet like a curtain.</p><p>There was an apparition upon his world’s stage.</p><p>Four familiar figures stood in uniform near the turbine, holding tricorders and backpacks and looking around in interest.</p><p>“Elim,” Julian breathed, reaching back to take and hold Garak’s hand. “It’s them. It’s— It’s <i>them</i>.”</p><p>Garak squeezed his hand. He let out a slow breath, then said, “Go to them, my dear.”</p><p>Julian looked back, too shocked to comprehend.</p><p>“Go,” Garak said again, kindly. His eyes softened. “I know how acutely you’ve missed them.”</p><p>Julian looked from Garak to his friends, then back.</p><p>“Go,” Garak said a third time, giving Julian a small push. “I’ll join you in a minute.”</p><p>Julian took a few steps forward, then realised he was topless and quickly snatched for a vest from the washing pile. He dressed himself, pacing cautiously towards the landing party.</p><p>He looked up but couldn’t see past the sun to locate the <i>Defiant</i>. It had to be in orbit somewhere.</p><p>At last someone spotted him – Jadzia. She yelped and threw her arms in the air, and soon Sisko, Miles, and Kira were all grinning, too. Julian felt something snap inside like a glowstick: he filled with heat and shone with joy. He skipped into a run, and Jadzia did the same.</p><p>They crossed the tennis court and met on the edge of the wind turbine’s shadow, where Julian flung his arms around his friend and squeezed her tight.</p><p>“Jad<i>zia</i>,” Julian cried. “Oh, I’mmmm—” He buried his nose in that sleek brown hair of hers, and breathed in her scent deeply, savouring the memories and wheezing out again. He sobbed a laugh, shaking his head, swaying the Trill from foot to foot.</p><p>“We didn’t know if we’d ever find you,” Jadzia laughed, clutching the back of Julian’s shoulders. “But finding you like <i>this</i>—!”</p><p>Julian lifted his head and kissed her cheek, once, twice, then nuzzled under her jaw. Jadzia laughed and pushed him off her, rubbing her neck with a hand.</p><p>“Miles!” Julian saw his friend had caught up now, and rushed at him, making the stockier man stumble back a step. Tears flooded Julian’s waterlines, and in a blaze of joy, he smothered his friend’s plump cheek in kisses, loud ones, happy ones, and only stopped when Miles wrenched his head away, then gave Julian a... hug.</p><p>Just a hug. A good hug, and a welcome one, but one noticeably void of other touches. There came a simple pat-pat-pat-squeeze on Julian’s back.</p><p>Julian went still and quiet, eyes on Sisko beaming behind Miles. Kira was taking readings on her tricorder, smiling to herself.</p><p>Miles dropped back from the hug too soon, and Julian worried he’d done something wrong, but Miles’ grin seemed genuine enough. Julian smiled back, and opened his arms to his captain.</p><p>Sisko chuckled, and allowed Julian a firm embrace. Heart to heart. Chins to shoulders. Pat-pat-pat-squeeze. And then it was over.</p><p>Julian looked hopefully at Kira.</p><p>Kira smirked, rolled her eyes, and brought Julian down for the briefest hug of all. “Nice to see you still alive,” she said, as she let him go.</p><p>He beamed down at her, then glanced to everyone else. “Right. Well. Um. You’re here! You got our signal! Our satellite worked, then! Finally!”</p><p>Garak paced up behind them, and it surprised Julian to see he wore a tunic. Blue in colour. Tight around his arms; baggy on his waist. Pants on his lower half. And <i>shoes</i>. The sight was peculiar, as Julian had only seen him in nightwear or underwear for months. His hair had been <i>brushed</i>, and he wore his classic polite smile, which Julian saw now was a lightyear away from genuine. Even when they’d been on DS9 together, Garak had worn that smile on all but a few occasions.</p><p>“Trader ships picked up a blip of your S.O.S. <i>months</i> ago,” Kira said, “so we knew you were alive, but we didn’t know where the signal came from.”</p><p>“Took until a bloody week ago to get a locator signal strong enough to find you,” Miles grumped. “The hell are you doing out here, anyway?”</p><p>Garak’s voice was too smooth. “It may not surprise you to know that the doctor, in fact, crashed our shuttle.”</p><p>“Excuse <i>me</i>, I did no such—” Julian was mid eye-roll when he sighed and finished, “Okay, fine, I may have gotten distracted <i>by Garak</i> and hit the wrong control.”</p><p>“A great relief it is to be found at last,” Garak said. He nodded to Sisko. “Captain.”</p><p>He turned to Jadzia. “Lieutenant Dax.”</p><p>Kira. “Major.”</p><p>Miles. “Chief O’Brien. We hope you’ll all be comfortable here for your stay. If there’s anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask. Dr. Bashir and I would be <i>glad</i> to show you around tomorrow morning, when the sun is still low.”</p><p>“Tomorrow morning?” Miles asked. “You want us to <i>stay</i> here?”</p><p>“For a few days, at least!” Julian piped up hopefully. He shot Garak a grin, glad to have an excuse not to leave immediately.</p><p>Sisko addressed Miles without looking at him: “I think there’s no harm in one night’s stopover, Chief.” His voice was so deep it tingled at the back of Julian’s neck. “It seems our doctor and our tailor made a life for themselves here, and,” he glanced at Miles, smiling widely, “you <i>must</i> be curious what they’ve been up to these past six months...”</p><p>Miles scoffed and looked sheepishly around.</p><p>Kira spoke through a grin: “Quark’s gonna be so mad when he finds out it was just a crashed shuttle.”</p><p>Jadzia chuckled. “I’ll tell you what, though: Morn’s gonna blow his winnings on a new mud bath.”</p><p>“Winnings?” Julian cracked a grin. “You took bets on why we didn’t come back?”</p><p>Kira silenced herself with a curled finger over her smile and a flash of her eyes towards Jadzia. But there was no stopping Dax: “Mostly we thought you’d eloped.” Jadzia took a look around, at the farmland and the turbine and the clothes line and the rooms tacked on to the end of the shuttle. She arched her lips emphatically. “Dunno. Maybe Quark wins after all.”</p><p>Julian’s eyes shot to Garak, who gave him an impassive look back.</p><p>“I-I-I-I-I’m sorry, did you say,” Julian glanced back and forth between Jadzia and Kira, “eloped? Like—”</p><p>“Don’t worry about it,” Jadzia said with a clap of a hand on Julian’s shoulder. “So long as the shuttle’s flight log shows a malfunction you’re not about to get court martialed for desertion. You’ve got a pretty nice setup here, huh.” She turned part-way to do a tricorder scan.</p><p>Julian breathed in and out a few times, but couldn’t decide on words. “Eloped?” His chin tucked back in bafflement. “<i>Eloped?</i>”</p><p>Garak raised a finger. “Doctor, I believe that means – correct me if I’m wrong – we abandoned our stations and ran away together in order to marry in secret?”</p><p>“That’s exactly what it means!” Julian exploded. “But! But we didn’t!”</p><p>Garak tilted his head, smiling his peculiar smile.</p><p>“I mean, for one thing, we’re not—” Julian gestured aggressively towards Garak, then looked for Jadzia to explain, except she’d wandered off to talk with Sisko in the shadow of the turbine.</p><p>Kira looked up from her own bleeping tricorder. “Honestly?” she said, her tone more serious than Jadzia’s had been, “Don’t think about it. I tried not to. You’re alive and safe and that’s all anyone really cares about.” Her eyes crinkled and she leaned forward to pat Julian on the arm. “My money was on the Prophets or an Orb having sucked you into an alternate timeline, and hey, maybe you got stuck there. Could <i>not</i> be happier to be wrong.”</p><p>Julian tutted a laugh, and his smile stayed even when Kira turned her back and went to join the others.</p><p>He hugged himself, slightly at a loss. “Married...?”</p><p>Garak moved to his side, and Julian expected him to press close, but he remained a whole five inches away. Julian eyed the distance, then eyed Garak.</p><p>Their eyes met.</p><p>They said nothing yet Julian understood at once: even the platonic intimacy they’d cultivated had developed beyond anything they could deem appropriate to share in their present company. If they acted the way they acted alone, their relationship would be misinterpreted. It would be accepted too easily as something it wasn’t – as something Julian wanted, but didn’t have, and couldn’t pretend to have without hurting Garak. The level of casual and heartfelt physical affection which had become their normal was an <i>extreme</i> for everyone else.</p><p>Garak wore his old clothes and his old smile because he was the old Garak. He was preparing to return to the life they once had, where the two of them had lunch once a week, where his smile never permeated his expression the way it did in bed, in quiet moments, on lazy, too-hot afternoons where they curled together for a siesta, naked, Garak with his arms around Julian, purring and kissing his shoulder occasionally while they read a book from the same padd.</p><p>Julian looked down at his purple vest and touched his beard, and wondered how much he’d changed without realising. Some developments had been occasional moments of relaxation becoming a pattern, habit, then a norm; others had been chosen. He’d dismantled himself and kept only the parts he enjoyed, and were valuable to their lifestyle. He’d removed his former society’s expectations as completely as Garak had, and together they’d fallen into something comfortable, something Julian was glad to have, and wished he’d always had.</p><p>But their rescue party had arrived to take them back to DS9. Life there could not consist of the same patterns of behaviour they’d established here. They had to be the people they’d been before. So... now everything had to change.</p><p>This life they’d forged together might soon be over. What would remain? If anything?</p><p>Julian met Garak’s gaze again, and offered a sad smile.</p><p>Garak lowered his eyes without a response. He paused for a moment... then stepped past and went to talk to the others.</p><p>Julian’s heart broke there and then.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. My Dear... Doctor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Tell me about the station! How are you all? How’s Keiko? And the baby? The baby must’ve been born. What’s the baby’s name? What’s Quark been up to— Odo! No-no-no, tell me about Jake first! And Leeta! And Worf, obviously <i>Worf</i>.” Julian looked desperately from one laughing friend to another. They were all packed into the shuttle in an attempt to hide from the midday heat. “Come on, come on, there must be a million things!”</p>
<p>“We named the baby Kirayoshi,” Miles said with a fond smile, as Kira beamed down at him. “He’s good! Healthy.”</p>
<p>“That’s good.” Julian grew agitated for more. “What else?”</p>
<p>Kira leaned against the pilot’s console, arms folded. “What was happening when you left?”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Julian shrugged, “the usual. Quark up to no good, Odo on his case. Worf... Worfing. Leeta and I were going to meet you two on Risa, weren’t we, but—”</p>
<p>Jadzia snapped her fingers, “Oh, that’s <i>right</i>! You and Leeta got in a fight about a month before your trip was scheduled, so you spontaneously took shore leave early because she said she needed some time.”</p>
<p>“<i>Time</i>,” Julian said, bitterly. “Six months without me ought to be enough of <i>that</i>.”</p>
<p>“A pity, really,” Garak said, sitting on the bed, patching up worn fabric in Julian’s tattered yellow shorts. “I would’ve enjoyed seeing Risa.”</p>
<p>Sisko chuckled. He stood by the door, admiring the embroidered curtain with his hands on his hips. “I’m sure you will someday, Mr. Garak.” He looked over. “There’ll be ample opportunities to see much more than <i>this</i> area once you’re situated back on the station.”</p>
<p>“Mm!”</p>
<p>Julian fretted in place, full of energy. He knelt on the foot of the bed, then crossed his legs. “So how is she? Leeta? Did she miss me?”</p>
<p>“You really wanna know?” Miles asked. He was under the console desk, looking at what was left of the engine. He peeked out to look at Julian. “You’re not gonna like it.”</p>
<p>“I’m not going to like what?”</p>
<p>Jadzia and Kira exchanged a look.</p>
<p>“You say it,” Kira said.</p>
<p>“I’m not saying it.”</p>
<p>“Well, I don’t want to be the one to break his heart!”</p>
<p>Julian chilled with a panicked sweat. “Is she okay?”</p>
<p>Miles scoffed. “She’s fine, Julian. She’s happy. She married Rom.”</p>
<p>Julian laughed. He looked at Garak, who shared his amusement, and almost gave a real smile.</p>
<p>“Mm-hm,” Julian hummed. “<i>Rom</i>. Quark’s brother, the Ferengi. Rom. Okay.”</p>
<p>“Really,” Jadzia said. “She thought you and Garak had taken up together so she... y’know... moved on.”</p>
<p>Julian chuckled, but then slowly bit his lip. He glanced at Garak again. Garak’s eye-ridges had risen, but he remained attentive to his sewing. “Um. Alright then.” Julian shrugged and looked at Sisko. “Anything else? Surely something big happened while we were gone.”</p>
<p>“Wait, that’s it?” Kira grinned. “That’s your whole reaction? To your girlfriend dumping you and marrying someone else? Wow, you <i>have</i> been gone a long time.”</p>
<p>“OH!” Jadzia clapped. “There was a Changeling! That stole your face! Looked like you! Acted like you!”</p>
<p>“<i>Me</i>?!” Julian gawped. “What did it do? How did you know you’d been infiltrated? What did you do with it?!”</p>
<p>“It was fairly obvious it was not you, Doctor,” Sisko said, swinging his own hands to hold behind his back, “given that you returned from the medical conference you’d planned to attend after your little trip to Risa, but arrived back on the station <i>without</i> Mr. Garak.”</p>
<p>Miles grunted. “We would’ve believed his tall tales about your Cardassian travel buddy taking off halfway through the Risa trip, but...”</p>
<p>“But?” Julian leaned in.</p>
<p>Miles caught Julian’s eye. “I dunno. Seemed suspicious. So... I...”</p>
<p>“Pried through his recordings,” Kira said.</p>
<p>“Searched his room,” Jadzia added.</p>
<p>“Broke more protocols than I can count,” Sisko uttered.</p>
<p>“Yeah!” Miles pressed on, “And found no teddy bear in any of the obvious places. No bear in his room, no mention in the personal or medical logs.”</p>
<p>“Leeta kept him,” Julian said. “He was still in her quarters when we left to Risa.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Miles said. “I found him. The Changeling was blank-faced when I asked him about it. Then he gave me some random lie about keeping ‘it’ somewhere safe. He didn’t seem to care all that much about losing the bear or—” Miles’ gaze darted to Garak, and he cleared his throat. “Anyone else.”</p>
<p>Julian grinned. “The Changeling didn’t know about Kukalaka...”</p>
<p>“Anyhow, we blew that Changeling up before he killed us all,” Miles muttered, and got back to poking around in the engine shell. “Been pretty quiet since then.”</p>
<p>“Nothing’s happened?”</p>
<p>“Not really.” Jadzia shrugged.</p>
<p>Julian’s heart sank. “But— But fun things still happen, don’t they? Machines break that you need to fix. You— You have life-and-death problems to solve. Structures to build. Poisonous plants to catalogue! Hours of research to write up. Animals to study and hunt...? Making heat out of nothing so you don’t die at night. An injured person – <i>people</i> to bandage up and... comfort? The occasional battle? No?”</p>
<p>It was quiet for a bit.</p>
<p>“I guess,” Kira said. “I wouldn’t exactly call those ‘fun’ things.”</p>
<p>Julian flustered. “Oh— Oh, no, that— They’re bad.” He nodded. “Not fun. I was being ironic.”</p>
<p>“Jake found me a Willie Mays baseball card,” Sisko said proudly.</p>
<p>Julian waited for the rest. He blinked.</p>
<p>But that was it.</p>
<p>“Oh. That was nice of him.” Julian smiled.</p>
<p>He held his own ankles and looked down at the scar on the sole of his right foot. There had to be a good reason to go back to DS9. There was a life to be had there, surely. Something he’d actually enjoy doing...</p>
<p>If only he could go back and not have to mask his excitement about life-threatening disasters and danger quite so much, and not have to soften his augmented traits for fear of being found out...</p>
<p>At least with Garak he had nothing to hide. They’d seen nearly every inch of each other, and let each other look, and touched just to learn or make each other laugh, and asked every question, and told every story they had, opening up more and more until they were left unashamed. There was only one thing Julian held back: one big tangle of unsatisfied wanton feelings. But he knew Garak was happy with the way things were between them. Even without the openly romantic and maybe-sexual requite Julian ached for, he also had what he wanted. He had <i>who</i> he wanted, <i>here</i>. Nowhere else. Back on DS9, neither of them would be the same men.</p>
<p>“What about you?” Sisko scrutinised Julian. “You claimed a world as your own, Doctor; there must be a fascinating story you can tell.”</p>
<p>“Oh, a hundred! A thousand!” Julian leapt up. “Everything you see out there, we made ourselves! We collect our own water, hunt and farm our own food, make our own clothes—”</p>
<p>Garak cleared his throat.</p>
<p>“—Okay, Elim makes the clothes. Garak, I mean. Eeish skin makes a pretty decent leather. We built the shuttle’s extensions ourselves, and we chop the wood, and collect the water, and keep the power running. And between us we’ve done enough research on the animals and plants and local ecosystems to write enough books to fill a library. And we have been! Writing, that is. And— And look!”</p>
<p>Julian snatched up his holo-imager from a wall shelf and bounced back to the bed, thumbing at the buttons on the back until he’d cycled to the earliest images, then began to project them into the air ten inches above. Without a proper holosuite to download the files to, the image remained small, low quality, and monochrome blue, but it showed enough of the three-dimensional capture and enough animation that it was clear the first picture was of the shuttle crash-landed in a dense jungle. Flies whooshed past, and leaves bobbed in a slight breeze. Garak’s plump figure moved inside the open shuttle door.</p>
<p>Julian moved to the next image: there was the shuttle parked in a field of grass, wind patterns twirling through the meadow.</p>
<p>“Wow, you really did farm,” Kira grinned. “Barely a patch of grass left.”</p>
<p>“You can’t find that grass species anywhere else around here; this biome is too unique,” Julian said. “We didn’t want to plough it into extinction, so we left patches.”</p>
<p>Slowly he went through a slideshow of their developing adventure, from the completed storage shed; the first leaves on their crops; the satellite’s base igniting and blasting into launch...</p>
<p>And then the focus of the images changed. Julian had to thumb through several as they were all of the fire burning in the dark. Each one was taken on different nights. The first was of the fire alone, with an eeish turned on the spit above. The second was of Garak and Julian’s bare feet as they stretched them towards the heat. The third was of just Garak, in profile. He was wrapped in a blanket, and looked grumpily at the camera when he realised it was recording. (At least seeing that one got a chuckle out of everyone, including Garak.)</p>
<p>Julian realised there were several pictures of Garak in a row: one of him bending to collect water in the pool, looking up, and his mouth moving – “Turn that thing off,” Julian said, remembering.</p>
<p>Garak grunted. “Must you go through them all, my dear? Doctor—?”</p>
<p>Julian caught the hasty addition to his usual term of endearment, but one glance up assured him nobody else had. He swallowed. “Well, it’s our life, and they did ask. I’m not going to make them sit through four-hundred hours of personal logs. This is brief.”</p>
<p>The next holo-image was Garak patting his lips clean with a napkin, then catching sight of Julian, but carrying on his conversation as though the camera wasn’t there.</p>
<p>Julian watched that image play through three times, and bit his lip, grinning helplessly. Miles cleared his throat, and Julian remembered to switch to the next image.</p>
<p>This one: Garak holding a bunch of his own hair against his shoulder, looking cross. “This was the ‘before’,” Julian said. He switched image. “And the ‘after’.” In the miniature projection, Garak preened his shoulder-length hair, looking at himself in the mirror.</p>
<p>Julian remembered asking, “<i>How did I do?</i>”</p>
<p>And Garak in the image turned to him, and smiled his real smile – the soft one that made his eyes twinkle as he made eye contact above the camera. “<i>Beautifully, my dear. Thank you.</i>”</p>
<p>Julian flushed hot, wondering if anyone else had been able to lip-read.</p>
<p>“Um. This one...”</p>
<p>The next was of Julian, topless, carrying a boulder-sized bag of laundry on his back, dumping it in the dust, then looking expectantly at Garak. He stretched out his arm and beckoned, and Garak moved forward. The camera lowered before recording ended, but for a moment there was a view of their bare feet on their way to making contact as they moved in for a hug or perhaps a kiss. The image began to repeat and Julian hurriedly moved to the next.</p>
<p>The next one was of himself and Garak sitting together in the doorway of the shuttle. Julian had the camera pointed at himself, grinning, while Garak ate beside him... Garak saw the camera and scoffed, ducking as he had food in his mouth, but sat up again, laughing, shaking his head. Julian grinned hugely, teasing the camera with his eyes. He nudged Garak, and Garak put on a theatrical sigh, and gave Julian a soft look. He leaned in—</p>
<p>Julian switched to the next image before anyone could see the kiss at the end.</p>
<p>But this one was even worse – the image shook as Julian carried the holo-imager, chasing a topless, extremely fit, long-haired Garak through the lines of second-season crops, catching the flash of a grin here and there, jolting each time Garak paused to look back.</p>
<p>Julian watched this and found himself burning, unsure why. Embarrassed on Garak’s behalf? These images had always made him happy when he rewatched them, but suddenly they seemed... invasive. He’d only wanted to share with his friends—</p>
<p>The next was an image Julian hadn’t realised existed. He hadn’t looked through them in a while.</p>
<p>There was his own face. Sound asleep. Lying on his side in bed, his hand relaxed by his mouth.</p>
<p>Garak’s hand... reached out and tucked a lock of Julian’s overgrown hair behind his ear. Julian’s eyes peeked open, saw Garak... And he smiled.</p>
<p>Julian didn’t even remember this happening. He must’ve fallen straight back asleep.</p>
<p>His heart was thumping. Skin too hot.</p>
<p>He wanted to see what was next, what images Garak had recorded when he wasn’t looking—</p>
<p>“That’s enough of that,” Garak remarked, taking the camera. “Doctor, why don’t you offer our guests a snack? I’m sure a chilled beverage on a hot day like this would be appreciated.”</p>
<p>Julian was still on fire. “Oh. Oh. Yes.” He shifted to his feet in stages, unsure if he wanted to meet any of his friends’ eyes. “The trees in the swamp make a fruit with amazing juice. Sort of like what would happen if the world’s juiciest mango had a baby with a bell pepper.”</p>
<p>The coolness of the tiny refrigerator on his flaming face eased matters, somewhat, and gave him a moment to reset after seeing <i>that holo-image</i>. He squatted for a few seconds, then pretended to find the juice like he’d lost it. “There it is.”</p>
<p>Sisko’s combadge crackled. He patted it. “Sisko here.”</p>
<p>Nothing.</p>
<p>“Sisko to <i>Defiant</i>.”</p>
<p>“Go outside, Captain,” Julian recommended, now standing straight with his hands around the handmade pitcher. “The whole shuttle’s one big antenna but our signal booster tends to mess with anything that isn’t connected to that satellite.”</p>
<p>Sisko pulled back the curtain and let in a waft of scorching air. Julian handed the pitcher of juice to Miles and went to the door to listen along with Jadzia.</p>
<p>The top of Sisko’s bald head gleamed even in the shade of the woven awning. Clouds had drawn across the sky, trapping in the heat, and they diffused the light into a glare so it was hard not to squint. Twice more the captain tried to reach the <i>Defiant</i>, and only on the third try did the signal connect.</p>
<p>“<i>Sir, I – khkhkh – sure if I can beam you – khk. Transporters are working but – hhkhk – unstable for – people. Rkhhk – interference – stuck there – clouds can clear.</i>”</p>
<p>“Understood, Lieutenant,” Sisko said.</p>
<p>“It’s Nog,” Jadzia whispered to Julian. “He’s our trainee pilot now.”</p>
<p>Julian felt a rush of pride.</p>
<p>“Beam us down some supplies, if you can, Lieutenant,” Sisko told Nog. “Cots, food, some tents.”</p>
<p>“Blankets,” Julian added. “Heaters. It’s freezing at night.”</p>
<p>“Blankets,” Sisko added. “Heaters. Oh, and—” Sisko caught Julian’s eye and started to grin. “Send us that special gift we were saving for the doctor.”</p>
<p>“<i>You mean the one with the—</i>”</p>
<p>“That one exactly, Lieutenant. Sisko out.” Sisko’s eyes widened briefly, giving Julian a playfully mysterious look.</p>
<p>Julian found himself giddy with excitement. “Something nice, I hope?”</p>
<p>“The nicest,” Jadzia said, patting Julian’s back.</p>
<p>“Something nice for Garak too?” Julian asked.</p>
<p>Jadzia grinned. “Hey, we rescued him, didn’t we? Or we’re trying to, anyway. That’s enough of a gift. Pity about the clouds.”</p>
<p>“They tend to interfere with things, yes,” Julian said, taking his seat on the bed again. He accepted the quarter-mug of juice Kira handed him. “The weather’s been a major factor in getting a homing signal <i>off</i> our planet. That’s why we needed the satellite above the clouds. The cover usually hangs around for days.”</p>
<p>“Days?” Kira tutted. “Wow, we’re not getting home for the weekend.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Julian added, head cocking quickly, “having the signal booster running while it’s cloudy <i>would</i> mess with the lock-on sequences; that’s why Nog would think a transporter beam-out won’t work.”</p>
<p>Miles sipped his juice, then peered at Julian. “So it would work? We just can’t lock on properly?”</p>
<p>Julian stared back, mouth open. “Aaaahh. Well, I’ll bet it’s not a good idea to beam out a person you’re not locked on to.” His eyes darted to Garak, and was glad to see him looking back. “If we turned off the signal booster – which we don’t need any more, since everyone’s already <i>here</i> to rescue us... it might work. We could all beam up to the <i>Defiant</i>. Couldn’t we?”</p>
<p>Garak stared. “We could...”</p>
<p>Julian and Garak had a silent, secret conversation, asking if the other was ready to leave.</p>
<p>Garak spoke first, calmly, head down to look at his mending task. “Unfortunately we programmed the booster to run <i>continuously</i>, and would require the destruction of part of the shuttle in order to stop it.”</p>
<p>“Oh, God, <i>that</i>!” Julian seconded Garak’s effortless lie with relief, nodding into his mug. “Yeah, I— We had arguments about that.”</p>
<p>“I’m not too proud to say I consistently lost that fight,” Garak said, “although the doctor’s poor choices do now leave us with the problem: there’s naught to be done about the scrambled signal.”</p>
<p>“So we are all <i>definitely</i> stuck here,” Julian said, with well-acted seriousness. “At least until the clouds clear. Then, we’ll see.”</p>
<p>Miles poked at all the cables. “I’ll take your word for it. Can’t make heads nor tails of your circuit board, let alone this contraption.” He tap-tapped part of the signal booster.</p>
<p>“Trust me, Chief,” Julian said, “it’s all vital to life support. I wouldn’t recommend pulling anything apart.”</p>
<p>“You’re grounding with the wrong wire," Miles warned. “That I know for certain.”</p>
<p>“It’s merely a wire, Mr. O’Brien,” Garak said from the bed, smooth words paired with a polite smile. “And I don’t mean to assuage your curiosity at all, but I really would suggest you look but not touch, lest you upset the heating system and doom us all to a cold, cold night.”</p>
<p>Miles lifted both hands in surrender. “You’re the experts.”</p>
<p>Good thing he backed off, too. Given a few more minutes, he might realise the signal booster could be switched off by pulling out a single plug.</p>
<p>“Captain,” Garak said conversationally, “if there is any possibility and it’s not too much of an imposition, might I trouble young Nog to send down the replicator pattern for red leaf tea? I’ve rather been craving it these last six months. And rokassa juice. And Tarkalean tea for Julian, and moba jam for his pancakes. And please – forgive me – a bubble bath formula? English lavender.”</p>
<p>Julian grinned. “You can’t wait another few days for that?”</p>
<p>Garak tutted. “We hardly know how long we’ll be here, Doctor. For all I know it could be another week. Or two. Or... three.”</p>
<p>Julian looked at him carefully. They both knew the cloud patterns changed every few days, but there was no denying that they had the power to block a beam-out for perhaps as long as they could maintain the lie. Was Garak really willing to keep everyone else here until he was ready to leave?</p>
<p>Was Julian?</p>
<p>Sisko had left the shuttle and Julian could hear him outside, requesting “bubble bath, <i>English</i> lavender” with no small amount of amusement.</p>
<p>“You look great, Julian,” Jadzia said through a warm smile. She gestured at him. “The tan? And your hair’s curled. And the, uh,” she tapped at her own chin. “Fuzz. Good look.”</p>
<p>Julian blushed, head down to grin. “Thanks. I— I feel pretty good here. It’s been...” deep breath in, eyes wandering, “maaaaybe the best part of my life?” He smiled at her sheepishly, but relaxed into his reveal once he saw her nodding.</p>
<p>“I can tell,” Jadzia said.</p>
<p>Miles quirked up a sideways smirk, arms folded. “Yeah, what she said.”</p>
<p>Even Kira wore a gentle smile.</p>
<p>Julian chuckled and ran a hand back through his curls, turning his head to subtly check on Garak. Garak sewed on, but smiled widely.</p>
<p>Sisko stepped back into the shuttle. Miles went up to him and took something from behind his back, and the men shared a nod.</p>
<p>“For the record, Julian,” Miles said, “I never thought you’d eloped.”</p>
<p>Julian blushed hot. “Well. Obviously. Because I didn’t. Me and Elim aren’t—” He paused. “We didn’t elope. I bet you didn’t even <i>consider</i> that we did. You guessed we’d crash-landed, didn’t you?”</p>
<p>Miles snuffled out a single laugh. “I’ll... put it this way: if you were gonna elope, you would’ve taken the bear.”</p>
<p>He brought his hand out from behind his back, and offered Julian a gift.</p>
<p>Julian shrieked when he saw Kukalaka. He pounced and snatched the bear and raised him over his head, crying out in joy, then <i>flung</i> himself at Miles and squeezed him hard, kissing his cheek aggressively. “Miles, you beauty,” he whispered against his skin. “Mmm.”</p>
<p>“Okay, okay,” Miles urged, giving Julian an uncomfortable look as he pushed him away. “I get it. Go easy.”</p>
<p>Julian’s stomach churned, realising again how his natural shows of affection weren’t so natural for anyone else but Garak. He smiled anyway, and brought his bear to his chin to cuddle him. “Thank you, Miles,” Julian murmured. His voice cracked as he added, “Thank you – all of you.”</p>
<p>He felt a hand on his lower back and knew it was Garak standing behind him. Julian leaned into him, but Garak hurriedly snatched back his hand and stepped away.</p>
<p>“How kind of you all,” Garak said to the crew. “Now, I hate to interrupt such a fond moment, but we do have lunch to catch and prepare and cook. You’re welcome to join us with our tasks if you’d like to observe. We may need a hand in preparing more food for all of you.”</p>
<p>Kira chided, “You know we have replicators, right? We can beam down something. Don’t you miss... I don’t know – zabu stew? Spaghetti?”</p>
<p>Julian and Garak shared a look.</p>
<p>“Not really,” Julian said.</p>
<p>“The food here is perfectly nourishing and far more flavourful.”</p>
<p>“And it’s <i>fun</i> inventing something that tastes the way I want it to taste,” Julian added.</p>
<p>“And a wonderful job you do, my dear,” Garak said, giving Julian a loving look. He coughed suddenly. “Doctor,” he added. “Apologies, I had something in my throat.”</p>
<p>Julian felt a physical pain, missing the unforced familiarity of ‘my dear’. He wanted to tease Garak now, offer him more juice and call him ‘sweetheart’, stand and face him and put arms around him and kiss his nose and snuggle against his face until Garak laughed, but he dared not in front of an audience. He didn’t know how to respond at all, so he hugged Kukakala and said nothing.</p>
<p>Garak dragged in a breath. “Hm. So. Clearly there won’t be enough room for all of you to sleep indoors tonight, so I suggest you pitch your tents before the heat begins to fade. The doctor will need assistance setting up another spit and collecting wood and catching and cooking the meals.”</p>
<p>“What are you going to do?” Jadzia asked.</p>
<p>“I?” Garak said. “I have vegetables to harvest, Lieutenant, but after that I have laundry to finish.”</p>
<p>“Again,” Kira said, “we can beam you down new sheets.”</p>
<p>Garak bristled. “Kind of you to offer, Major, but not necessary.”</p>
<p>“But—”</p>
<p>“<i>But</i>,” Julian said to Kira gently, placing a hand on Garak’s arm, “he <i>likes</i> doing the laundry.”</p>
<p>“Now, my dear—”</p>
<p>“You do!” Julian stroked his arm. “It’s your favourite thing. Besides mending. And gardening. And mealtimes. And... and our bedtime.”</p>
<p>Garak blushed, glaring at Julian for revealing so much. Julian looked stubbornly back, challenging Garak. Why did they have to lie, anyway? What would be so terrible about everyone finding out they enjoyed each other’s company as much as they did?</p>
<p>Garak eased his arm away from Julian’s touch. “You’d better hurry along, Doctor. As you well know, the eeish will only prove harder to catch as the day goes on.”</p>
<p>And thus Garak answered Julian’s question. They had to lie for one reason only: Garak didn’t want their intimate truths revealed. His reasons didn’t matter. He wanted to keep what they had a secret, and Julian would respect that.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. “Perimeter Checks”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once Julian got going on anything, it was hard to make him shut up. He knew this. He knew he’d been talking for hours – about this place, the plants, the weather, the variations in season, the food – but besides asking questions, nobody had asked him to stop. Garak had happily cleaned up after lunch, brought out drinks and snacks, then returned later to serve dinner, and wore a proud smile as Julian lectured his friends on how “the eeish isn’t actually a fish, or an eel. It’s a whole new thing! A <i>whole</i> new thing.”</p>
<p>Conversation bloomed throughout the afternoon, and that simmer of social satisfaction in Julian became an all-consuming heat. As appreciated as Garak’s company was, no matter how layered his tune, he was an oboe and would only ever be an oboe. Kira’s clarinet, Sisko’s double bass, Jadzia’s pianette, and Miles’ kick drum and cymbals made up an orchestra that was a welcome sound to Julian’s ears and heart.</p>
<p>It was only when the sky started to get gloomy that Garak set a hand on Julian’s shoulder and squeezed. “So sorry to interrupt you all; this has clearly been riveting. But I must remind you that it’s about to get very cold, very quickly, and we must be up and functioning by dawn if we’re to get anything done, so I suggest you set your tasks for the evening in order and find your way to a tent. Our wash facilities are <i>yours</i> to make use of.”</p>
<p>Julian reached up to touch Garak’s hand, but Garak shifted away before they made contact. Julian turned his head to watch Garak go back inside.</p>
<p>Sisko stood up from the stump he sat on, and stretched. Jadzia yawned and covered her mouth with the back of her hand, while Kira balanced on one foot to pull her boots back on properly.</p>
<p>“Where’s everyone sleepin’?” Miles asked, scratching his back of his head. “I take it Julian and Garak are inside.”</p>
<p>“The tent’s fine for me,” Kira said. “I’m used to it.”</p>
<p>“We have room for a couple of people indoors,” Julian urged. “You’ve got your own mattresses, so that’s fine. You don’t <i>all</i> need to sleep outside.”</p>
<p>“Where would you even fit extra mattresses?” Miles asked. “We’d be packed in like sardines. No offence, but I’m sleeping in a tent.”</p>
<p>“It’s not that bad.” Julian got up from his pilot’s chair and rolled his shoulders back. “Garak’s okay with a tight fit these days. It’s comforting, sometimes. But if you’re happy with a tent, I’m not complaining.”</p>
<p>He poured water into the fire, then glanced up and waved goodnight. “It’s been just incredible today.” A pat to Miles’ back, a smile for Sisko. “See you tomorrow morning.”</p>
<p>Inside, Garak was making their bed, fluffing up the pillow. He stopped when Julian came in. “Ready for bed, my dear?” Garak asked.</p>
<p>Julian delighted in the warmth of that phrase, and stepped up to Garak, taking his waist. “”Mmm, I will be.” He leaned in to kiss his nose – only to be shoved away when Sisko entered the shuttle.</p>
<p>Julian rubbed his chest, still feeling Garak’s handprint there. Sisko merely nodded to the two of them and stepped into the washroom, locking the door behind him.</p>
<p>“What was that for?” Julian asked Garak, annoyed. “You called me ‘my dear’. Can’t blame <i>me</i> for taking that as an invitation.”</p>
<p>Garak turned away and began stacking the padds Julian had handed out to show off the guidebook he’d been working on. “Once everyone’s gone to bed.”</p>
<p>Julian relaxed. He touched Garak’s back, rubbed, then left him be. “Alright.”</p>
<p>One by one, all of Julian’s friends visited the washroom, so, being a good host, he held on until last. He finally emerged in pyjamas, refreshed, and readier than ever before to snuggle up with Garak, having missed out on a hundred kisses throughout the day.</p>
<p>Except there was another mattress set up in the shuttle, parallel to his and Garak’s bed. Jadzia sat cross-legged upon it, chatting happily to Garak, who nursed a mug of red leaf tea and peered down at her from the bed.</p>
<p>Julian dumped his day clothes into the washing basket. “Jadzia, are you sleeping in here?”</p>
<p>Jadzia grinned. “Nope, I’m just going to sit on a mattress all night and stare at you. Where’s your mattress, Julian? Where’s it even supposed to fit?”</p>
<p>Julian chuckled, eyes darting unsurely to Garak.</p>
<p>“I’ll be the one keeping watch tonight,” Garak said to Julian. “So the bed’s all yours. I’ll be up again once I’ve finished my tea.”</p>
<p>“Keeping watch?” Jadzia asked, saving Julian from asking.</p>
<p>Garak answered casually, “Oh, of course! We must not have said! Only one of us sleeps each night. Hence the singular bed. The other waits for signals from spacecraft, and keeps watch for any danger.”</p>
<p>Julian’s heart was sinking. It was a decent cover, so Jadzia would never know they shared a bed every night. But what a waste! This could be one of their last nights on their perfect planet and they couldn’t even spend it together. Garak wouldn’t sleep anyway, not unless he got his cuddles and a few minutes to purr as part of their routine. So he was right: he may as well stay up.</p>
<p>“What danger is there?” Jadzia hooked an elbow over her knee and shook her head. “Nog and the other <i>Defiant</i> crew can keep an eye on things. There’s a few people up there who’ll be paying attention. And why do you need to look out for signals, anyway? Your rescue team already arrived.”</p>
<p>Julian and Garak shared a look.</p>
<p>“She has a point,” Julian said. “And I— I did see an extra mattress...” He glanced towards the curtained door, listless. “I can sleep on the floor; I don’t mind.”</p>
<p>Garak swallowed some tea, but despite it being his favourite, he didn’t look pleased. “If the floor suits you, Doctor.”</p>
<p>“It’s going to have to, isn’t it,” Julian said bitterly, more to Garak than Jadzia. If that stubborn lizard wasn’t so keen on pretending there was nothing going on between them, they would have slept together as usual.</p>
<p>So Julian fetched a mattress from Sisko’s tent, and returned to the shuttle, shivering. He set the thing up with its end near the door to the shuttle’s cargo hold, and stomped it into place. One end of it was bunched up against the head-end of Jadzia’s mattress.</p>
<p>“Sleep well,” Jadzia said.</p>
<p>Julian replied, “You too.” He tossed a new silver blanket over the mattress. “I’m just hoping I’ll sleep at <i>all</i>.”</p>
<p>The day felt unfinished without some physical affection at the end. It felt <i>wrong</i>, as though he and Garak had had a fight.</p>
<p>Julian was about to sit when Garak said, coolly, “Ah, Doctor. In all the excitement you’ve completely forgotten to do your nightly perimeter checks. Let’s make it easy: you take the outside, as per usual, and I’ll take an inventory of the storage room. We should be back here in, hm... twenty minutes? Yes?”</p>
<p>Julian pieced the plan together quickly. “Oh, damn. Distracted. Yes. Perimeter checks. Meet back here in twenty, then. Hold down the fort, Jadzia.”</p>
<p>Jadzia yawned. “A’right...”</p>
<p>Garak snuck off the bed and put his bare feet on Julian’s mattress. Julian slipped his own feet into Garak’s moccasins and draped himself in a blanket. Then, once Garak had gone into the storage room through the back of the shuttle, Julian lifted the embroidered curtain and stepped out into the night.</p>
<p>He trod as quickly and silently as he could past the tents. He heard Kira and Sisko speaking to each other, and spied Miles’ silhouette projected against one canvas. But the campers remained unaware of a sneaking presence, and Julian crept along the shuttle’s side, past the storage shed, and turned to the door at the far end. He pulled back the slider lock on the wooden door, and stepped into the storage room.</p>
<p>Oh, warmth! Beloved warmth. He shed his blanket to his feet in a sigh of relief, and Garak reached past him to hurriedly close the door and lock it again.</p>
<p>“F-Freezing out there,” Julian breathed, as Garak took him into his arms.</p>
<p>“You’re cold,” Garak breathed, kissing Julian’s neck.</p>
<p>“Ahh...” Julian’s eyes fluttered shut, closing out the amber lantern light, a nice new one which had been beamed down today. “Warm me up. Oh.” Julian caressed Garak’s arms all the way up to his neck. He’d taken his tunic off while Julian had made his way here, and he seemed so much more comfortable in his underwear.</p>
<p>Garak’s kisses were tender and desperate, moving fast against Julian’s neck. He purred, but soon purred too loud, forcefully, like he was letting go of hours of unreleased tension.</p>
<p>“I missed you all day,” Julian whispered into a kiss, lips on Garak’s aural ridges, hands sinking into Garak’s hair. “You were here but...”</p>
<p>“I missed you too,” Garak replied, apologetic. “Let’s make it up, my dear. Here and now. Quickly, before anyone comes looking for us.”</p>
<p>Julian whimpered. “Kiss me.”</p>
<p>Garak began to suck just under his ear, then smooched down his neck. “Thank you for going along with my little games.”</p>
<p>“Why don’t you want anyone to know?” Julian asked. “That we...?” He pulled back so their eyes could meet. “That we... ha-have... That’s we’re—? I... I don’t know how to describe it.”</p>
<p>“We love each other,” Garak said, softly, crinkles beside his eyes.</p>
<p>Julian’s heart flipped. “Yes.” He trembled. “<i>Yes</i>.” He kissed Garak’s cheek, then nuzzled him. A relieved whisper: “I love you.”</p>
<p>God, how brilliantly he ignited as he said those words and Garak accepted them.</p>
<p>Garak nodded, holding Julian tighter. “It’s our own secret, my dear. Purely for us to enjoy. They don’t need to be part of it.”</p>
<p>“Even if this is all we can do, now? Hide away? Pretend it’s not true? Like there’s something wrong about how we feel.”</p>
<p>Garak snuggled Julian’s throat. “Even if.”</p>
<p>Julian kissed Garak’s forehead, leaving trails of kisses from his temple, to spoon-shaped ridge, to brow. “Ih— Mm. It’s different standing up.”</p>
<p>Garak chuckled, slowly pressing Julian’s back against the door. “Would you like to move this to the bath?”</p>
<p>“Ooh!” Julian’s eyes darted that way. “With bubbles?”</p>
<p>Garak snickered. “I was joking.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Julian felt a sparkle die. “Hm.”</p>
<p>“Hm?” Garak questioned, between cheek kisses. “What would you like?”</p>
<p>“I...” Julian tilted his hips into Garak’s. “Just want to be closer.”</p>
<p>Garak pressed in, and Julian cried out gently, eyes shut, clutching Garak’s shoulders. He opened his legs around Garak and squirmed into him.</p>
<p>“Closer,” Julian breathed. “I want you so close you’re inside me.”</p>
<p>Garak took Julian by the underside of one thigh, then the other, and hoisted his feet from the ground. Julian yelped, then bit his lip in silence, grinning and panting, looking at Garak desperately. Garak pinned him to the door with his own body, so Julian’s legs could wrap around his waist.</p>
<p>“Closer,” Julian whispered, as Garak’s chest vibrated against his own.</p>
<p>“I cannot get closer, my dear,” Garak smiled, warm breath on Julian’s jaw.</p>
<p>Julian wailed. “Please.”</p>
<p>“This is as close as I can get,” Garak promised, something sullen in his voice. “Relax, my dear. I can touch and kiss you.”</p>
<p>“Oh, do it,” Julian begged. “All over.”</p>
<p>Garak moaned gently, kissing the tender underside of Julian’s chin, sighing, purring, and pushing rhythmically against him.</p>
<p>“That,” Julian said. “Oh, <i>yes</i>, do that.”</p>
<p>“Which?”</p>
<p>“The— The humping.”</p>
<p>Garak stopped. “Oh, I didn’t—”</p>
<p>“No, don’t stop!”</p>
<p>“I didn’t intend to start.”</p>
<p>“Please, I like it.”</p>
<p>Garak’s breath caught, hands still gripping Julian’s thighs. “How much do you like it?”</p>
<p>“A lot,” Julian smiled. He groaned to himself, crown bumping the wood of the door as he tipped his head back. He peeked open his blurry eyes and looked upon Garak’s unguarded expression. “It’s different like this, anyway; we’re not in bed. Doesn’t count.”</p>
<p>Garak hesitated. But he slowly leaned in and returned to kissing Julian’s neck. Julian hung there, heart aflutter, waiting for a rhythm.</p>
<p>But none came...</p>
<p>So he started one himself. He tilted his hips a few times, curving into Garak over and over. Garak still held both thighs, so Julian’s crotch nudged against his own. Garak’s breath hitched then released each time, an audible smile growing as it went on.</p>
<p>Soon Garak began to respond, teasing with a little pressure, which only gave Julian more friction and therefore more pleasure.</p>
<p>“Elim,” Julian breathed. “O’<i>uh</i>—”</p>
<p>“Our little secret,” Garak purred into Julian’s air. “Never speak of this.”</p>
<p>“I won’t,” Julian promised.</p>
<p>“Our secret.”</p>
<p>“Our secret,” Julian nodded, burning up inside. His cock twitched as pressure built. “Oh, help...”</p>
<p>“Something wrong?”</p>
<p>Julian shook his head. “Feels good. F-Feels so good. Don’t stop.” He threw his head back in a gasp. “Ah! Ah. Hands under my shirt.”</p>
<p>Garak shoved a hand under Julian’s pyjama top, now holding all of him up with the other hand, while hips put <i>hard</i> constant pressure on Julian’s crotch. Julian relaxed as Garak fingered his ribs, then teased at the waistband of his pyjamas. The humping had needed to stop so Julian didn’t fall, but the pressure was good, and the swirling feelings in his belly pulsated in time to Garak’s previous rhythm.</p>
<p>Garak whispered against Julian’s stubble, “Pull my hair.”</p>
<p>“Gently?”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>Julian did as he was asked. “Want a thumb?”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>Julian began to press and push his thumb against Garak’s forehead ridge, making him melt an inch lower, dragging Julian lower too. Garak’s dazed eyes fell shut and his eyelids began to flutter, breath turning ragged, lips soon licked wet.</p>
<p>Ah, <i>there</i> was that beautiful blush. Julian kissed Garak’s hot face, pleased to see him enjoying himself. A hard purr rippled between them, now with a high-pitched note to it as Garak’s mouth had fallen open in his mindless thrall.</p>
<p>Julian let himself get completely hard; there was really no stopping it now. At least Garak held him, so he wouldn’t feel an erection unless he put Julian back on his feet.</p>
<p>“Elim?” Julian asked, as he pleasured Garak with his thumb. Garak had never said it was sexual, but if the forehead was for lovers only, Julian could make assumptions.</p>
<p>“U’huuhh?” Garak asked, half a moan, half a question.</p>
<p>“Do you think it’s strange that we like to do this?” Julian tugged on Garak’s hair, never ceasing the thrust of a thumb into and around the dip of Garak’s spoon-shaped ridge. “Touch each other. Be so... affectionate. Kiss. Make each other feel good? Make each other come.”</p>
<p>Garak’s eyes flashed open. “What?”</p>
<p>“You come sometimes, don’t you?” Julian’s eyes darted back and forth between Garak’s. “Sexual climax?”</p>
<p>Garak looked shocked... then worried. “I—”</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Julian assured him. “Garak, it’s fine. I don’t mind. I know whenever you do orgasm it’s an accident. Don’t say anything. Don’t. Just relax.”</p>
<p>Garak sank into the safety of Julian’s embrace, hiding his shame.</p>
<p>“I’ve climaxed a few times while we’ve touched.” Julian bit his lip, blushing so hot it burned. “I try not to, I try to hold off. I turn onto my front if I get hard. I have lots of wet dreams, though. Do you— Do you know what those are? Nocturnal emissions?”</p>
<p>Garak exhaled in a blast. “Yes.”</p>
<p>“That’s why I prefer to wash in the mornings,” Julian breathed. “Is it wet or sticky when you come? Is that why you do the laundry?”</p>
<p>Garak nodded.</p>
<p>Julian moaned in reaction to that. “It is strange,” he decided. “We’re almost lovers but—”</p>
<p>“We’re not lovers.”</p>
<p>Julian hummed and nosed at Garak’s cheek, putting a few hopeful kisses there. “I never thought anything we like to do was <i>strange</i> before today. Trying to show affection was so <i>awkward</i> with everyone else. But with you it just feels—”</p>
<p>“Natural,” Garak said.</p>
<p>“Yeah. Easy. Comfortable.”</p>
<p>Garak groaned and nodded. “Erotic.”</p>
<p>Julian bit his lip and grinned. “You think so?”</p>
<p>“You don’t?”</p>
<p>“Well, I do <i>now</i>,” Julian smiled. “But it’s different tonight, isn’t it? It’s not usually like this. When we’re in bed together, it’s not like... this.”</p>
<p>Garak nipped and licked at Julian’s shoulder, wet lips mouthing his words as he mumbled: “They wouldn’t understand this, my dear. To want someone and love them as we do each other, to <i>do</i> as lovers do but never kiss upon the lips – they couldn’t ever understand. So we’ll keep it a secret. And you and I do <i>enjoy</i> our secrets...”</p>
<p>Julian giggled. “Yes.” He shifted himself in Garak’s grip, relieved when Garak again used both hands to hold him up. “They wouldn’t understand.”</p>
<p>But he wasn’t certain <i>he</i> understood, either.</p>
<p>“It’s romantic to kiss on the lips, isn’t it?” he asked. “So... we <i>can’t</i> kiss on the lips?”</p>
<p>Garak purred slower, body squeezing against Julian’s. “Did I say we can’t? Is that something you want?”</p>
<p>“Um.” Julian rumpled up Garak’s hair, leaning to kiss his forehead ridge. He gave his forehead spoon a little lick, too, glad to make him whimper. “H-Have you ever thought about kissing <i>me</i> on the lips?”</p>
<p>Garak laughed. “How dare you ask before answering!”</p>
<p>“Well, I want to know.”</p>
<p>“Do you think about me that way? As a romantic partner?”</p>
<p>Surges of emotion boiled through Julian. He nodded deeply – and finally, he’d revealed his secret. He chilled with terror, too; maybe it wasn’t the right moment? Maybe Garak would take it badly? But it was said now. Shown. Now he had to roll with it.</p>
<p>Garak asked, “Do you... imagine us as... lovers?”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>Garak leaned back, slowly letting Julian’s feet sink to the wooden floor. They looked at each other, still holding tight.</p>
<p>“This... is a truth of yours, is it?” Garak tested.</p>
<p>Julian gulped. “Depends whether you feel the same way.”</p>
<p>Garak took a while to respond at all. For a while he stared.</p>
<p>“You did mean it, didn’t you?” Julian asked, holding Garak’s forearms, stroking fine scales with his thumbs, back and forth. “When you said we love each other.”</p>
<p>Garak smiled. “I did.”</p>
<p>Julian exhaled with a smile. “Well, <i>that’s</i> good.” He paused. “Wait, did you mean it platonically? Like friendship? Siblings?” His heart clenched, worried it was true.</p>
<p>With a smirk, Garak shook his head. “No, my dear.”</p>
<p>Gladness racked through Julian like a thunderbolt. “Oh, thank God.” He lowered his head and looked down at the erection tenting his striped pyjamas. Garak hadn’t noticed yet. Julian looked up, biting his lip. “Could we try it? Kissing?”</p>
<p>Garak tilted his head, apparently pained by the question.</p>
<p>“Come on,” Julian encouraged, leaning back on the door and tugging Garak close. “It’ll feel nice...”</p>
<p>“Pleasure is not my concern, Doctor,” Garak said. The sudden formal title made Julian tense. But the kiss that fell upon his collarbone made him unwind again. “I don’t want to hurt you.”</p>
<p>“Hurt me?” Julian laughed. “Garak, what are you on abou— <i>aOuuh</i>...” Garak pressed against his erection and fireworks erupted, whiting out his brain.</p>
<p>Garak pulled back, hands on Julian’s hips. Julian took a moment to recover from the touch, but when he opened his eyes, he saw Garak looking back, blue eyes tinted brown in the dim light, concern twinkling there, animated like stars.</p>
<p>“You’re aroused,” Garak said, in a tone of astonishment.</p>
<p>Julian looked back shyly. “Kudos to you, I suppose.”</p>
<p>Garak glanced down, then back up. “You <i>do</i> want me... You’re not... lying, in some way?”</p>
<p>“<i>Lying</i>? I don’t even know how I would— Elim, if I could get my penis to behave however I like, I don’t think I’d have had a fight with Leeta and ended up en route to Risa a month early with a certain Cardassian tailor, do you?”</p>
<p>Garak stared back.</p>
<p>“What’s wrong?” Julian asked. “Do you not want me? After everything—”</p>
<p>“I do not wish to hurt you, my dear,” Garak said firmly. “And I do not wish to hurt myself the same way. In all our time together we’ve already gone too far.”</p>
<p>“So then, what’s a kiss?” Julian pulled Garak closer with his undershirt. “Our little secret...?”</p>
<p>Garak lowered his chin so Julian couldn’t guide him into a kiss. “No.”</p>
<p>Julian ached. “Why?”</p>
<p>Garak stepped back and away. “Any answer I give will wound you, but they’d all be true. I suggest we embrace the lie of the night and return to our separate beds.”</p>
<p>Julian wanted to argue, but knew when Garak got honest like this, he’d reached his limit. He needed to retreat for now.</p>
<p>“Will you ever tell me?” Julian palmed his erection, trying to soothe it as it sagged. He watched Garak dress himself. “Or do you just expect me to be content going forward? Kissing every part of you but one. Knowing that... you... love me... but not being able to show it completely. Hiding <i>everything</i> we have from the people out there who I care about. How long do you expect me to keep the lie going, Garak? Keeping my friends trapped here? I’ll lie for you, sweetheart, but I won’t be that cruel to them.”</p>
<p>Garak turned halfway back, eyeing Julian from a couple of metres away. He looked like he was about to cry.</p>
<p>“At the end of the week,” Garak said, “we’ll allow the <i>Defiant</i> to beam people out, and... we won’t need to lie anymore.”</p>
<p>Julian stepped after him, taking his hand before he headed back to the shuttle. “We’ll still be together, won’t we?” he asked. “Once we’re back home?”</p>
<p>Garak gazed at him, eyes glassy. “Yes,” he said. “Once we’re home.”</p>
<p>He did up the last clasp on his tunic, then turned and went inside.</p>
<p>Julian felt very cold now he was alone.</p>
<p>He took the blanket from the floor, and slipped his toes back into the moccasins that had fallen from his feet when Garak lifted him. With a preparatory breath within him, he stepped out into the cold and hurried back to the shuttle’s front door. The lights in the tents were out.</p>
<p>The shuttle’s warmth burned his skin as he entered. Garak was already in their bed, tossing and turning to get comfortable. Jadzia was reading from a padd by lantern light, her long hair loose and spread over her pillow.</p>
<p>Julian knelt then lay on his own mattress on the floor. Jadzia turned out her lantern once Julian had tucked himself in. They all said their goodnights...</p>
<p>For nearly an hour, Julian stared across the cockpit to watch Garak breathe, and he pined for him, craving his warmth, his closeness, his affections – spoken and unspoken.</p>
<p>For that same hour, Garak looked back, craving the same.</p>
<p>Eventually his eyelids drooped closed, and he fell asleep. One arm lay open, as if unconsciously expecting company.</p>
<p>For the sake of Garak’s spoken wishes, Julian did not oblige.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. I Am Yours</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Garak, do you want my sausage?” Julian kept chewing his breakfast, fork prongs rolling a well-cooked sausage back and forth on his plate. “It’s hot still. Decide quickly, because it’ll get cold.”</p>
<p>Sisko gave Julian a slow look across the waving heat of the fire. In the violet light of pre-dawn and a crackling flame, his dark skin shone magenta. “Changed your mind, Doctor? I can cook you something else.”</p>
<p>“Oh, no, no, I just,” Julian shrugged, “was wondering if Garak wanted it.”</p>
<p>Garak was eating a bowl of swamptree fruit cut into squares, but smacked his lips interestedly. “I suppose I do miss the taste of meat, even replicated. Perhaps...? Ah, alright. You’ve tempted me.”</p>
<p>Julian picked up the sausage between his fingers and offered it to Garak, who leaned in—</p>
<p>Julian lowered his hand and lay the sausage in his fruit bowl and hurriedly retracted his hand, sucking his salty fingers.</p>
<p>Garak looked down at the disappointing gift presentation, as it was now dipped in fruit juice. “Hm.” He picked it up and bit into it anyway.</p>
<p>Julian watched him eat, mouth watering. He licked his lips, letting them part a bit...</p>
<p>Garak noticed him staring, and smiled. “Would you like the rest?”</p>
<p>Julian usually would have opened his mouth and leaned in so Garak would feed him by hand. But he merely nodded and offered his plate. He rushed to take the food before Garak withdrew his hand, so they could at least touch—</p>
<p>Static shocked them both and they shot apart.</p>
<p>“Wow, I <i>heard</i> that,” Kira mentioned. She sat on a pilot’s chair before the fire, knees apart, boots unlaced and sleeves rolled up. She stabbed into her own breakfast of eeish and potato, ready to poke into her mouth. “The faucet plugged into the shuttle shocked me earlier, too.”</p>
<p>“That’s weird,” Julian said. “That doesn’t usually happen.”</p>
<p>“If there’s a charge buildup, that might be my fault,” came Miles’ voice as he trudged towards the camp, a tricorder in one hand and Julian’s once-precious signal monitor in the other. “Found this thing lying around and realised I could use it to interact with your satellite, the one sending out your homing signal.”</p>
<p>Julian sat up straighter, heartbeat picking up. Miles was brilliant enough with technology that it would only take him minutes—</p>
<p>“I disabled the booster, so Nog oughta be able to beam us up soon. I can’t disable the entire homing system, and the clouds are still in the way, so static is just bouncing around every-which-way. I’d wait until the sky clears before beaming up, to be on the safe side. Going by Julian’s weather log patterns, won’t be long. We should be able to head home tomorrow.”</p>
<p>Julian swallowed without chewing. His eyes shifted to Garak, who was staring into his bowl, no longer eating.</p>
<p>Miles had disabled the thing that was allowing them to control when they left. Now it wasn’t up to them.</p>
<p>They’d both hoped... <i>expected</i>... that they’d be able to choose when to leave. Julian wanted time to get used to the idea of leaving, because until yesterday they’d planned to stay indefinitely, despite holding out for rescue. Julian had wanted to be ready – completely ready – to say his goodbyes to their place, their world, the life they’d created together. He wanted one more night with Garak, alone, naked in body and spirit. One night, at the very <i>least</i>. His friends had arrived with no warning, and Julian hadn’t known his last night alone with Garak in this world had <i>been</i> his last.</p>
<p>“Tomorrow...”</p>
<p>“Exciting!” Jadzia exclaimed, leaning to grip Julian’s knee and shake it. “You’ll finally get to meet Kirayoshi! And get back to work!”</p>
<p>Julian grinned. “That’s true.” His eyes moved back to Garak. “<i>Lots</i> of things to look forward to, once we’re home.”</p>
<p>Garak pointedly looked away. Then got up. “Are you done, Doctor?”</p>
<p>He held out a hand for Julian’s plate.</p>
<p>“Oh... yes.” Julian gave him the plate but kept the last bit of sausage. Garak swept away in silence. Julian ate the last mouthful, ponderous. His insides were so dulled by the news he’d have to leave tomorrow that he forgot to taste what he was eating—</p>
<p>Then realised it didn’t really taste like anything. Replicated food...</p>
<p>Was that all he had to look forward to on DS9?</p>
<p>He’d love to meet the baby. And of course he loved being Chief Medical Officer, and he missed real tennis courts, and spending off-duty time with friends. But so many times in the last six months he’d daydreamed about meeting the baby... and the baby would be <i>here</i>. Miles and Keiko would drop by on a shuttle every so often, and stay a week or two, and Julian would entertain the baby in a tree swing he made himself, and let the toddler try the fruit juice, and go eeish hunting together once the child was old enough. He’d envisioned a lifetime playing out, and in none of his fantasies had he needed to go anywhere.</p>
<p>He was shaken from his thoughts by a thump on the back: Miles sat on the log bench next to him. “Better start packing, Julian. Bet you’ve ended up with more stuff than you brought with you. What are you wearing, anyway?”</p>
<p>“Oh...” Julian looked at the black half-trousers turned up at the knee, and the flowy yellow chiffon top he’d paired it with. “Half uniform, half reimagined sarong.”</p>
<p>Jadzia delighted in this, while Kira chuckled at the fact Julian had dared cut up his uniform.</p>
<p>“It was Elim,” Julian said softly.</p>
<p>“Yeah, but you let him,” Kira pointed out.</p>
<p>Julian avoided her eyes. “I suppose I did.”</p>
<p>Miles rubbed Julian’s back, and Julian gazed at him, charmed, but uncertain. But Miles simply smiled, a shine of affection in his blue-grey eyes.</p>
<p>“I did miss yeh, y’know,” Miles said. “Holosuites are never the same without your, uh... You.”</p>
<p>Julian warmed from the belly outwards. “I missed you too, Miles. And I’m sorry if I’m – coming on strong, or something. Obviously it’s been a <i>while</i> since I’ve had Human contact. I think I forgot what’s appropriate and what’s not.”</p>
<p>Miles cackled. “Yeah. It shows.” He opened his other arm. “C’mere.”</p>
<p>Julian leaned in, grateful, and relaxed with a sigh as Miles held him and didn’t let go. Julian shifted himself a few inches closer on the log so their thighs touched, and then buried his face into Miles’ shoulder. A happy hum left Julian as he stroked a hand up into Miles’ hair.</p>
<p>“Heh.” Miles patted Julian’s back once. “Less hands, bud. And maybe go easy on the... nuzzling.”</p>
<p>Julian lifted his hands off. “Damn. <i>Damn</i>.” He pulled back, embarrassed. “Sorry.”</p>
<p>Miles nudged at Julian’s chin with his knuckles, beaming at him. “Just don’t let my wife see.”</p>
<p>Julian blushed, setting his head down into a hand. He looked up to reply, but stopped when he saw Garak in his eyeline. He was side-lit by dawn light, carrying an empty basket, with a swathe of clean clothes over one arm. He had stopped to stare, and now Julian stared back.</p>
<p>Was Julian imagining it, or did Garak look... upset?</p>
<p>Garak’s eyes moved to Miles, then far away. He went on about his business, but a dense grey feeling lingered with Julian, picking up on Garak’s discomfort intuitively.</p>
<p>Sadness about needing to leave, that was all Garak was upset about.</p>
<p>It surely had nothing to do with Miles having a hand on Julian’s back, or Julian holding his friend’s thigh while Miles chatted to the women as they finished up their breakfast.</p>
<p>Why would Garak be jealous? He was the one who chose to withdraw his affections in the company of others. If he wanted to touch Julian, and be as sweet with him as he usually was, what was stopping him? Was he ashamed? Of what? That he’d let himself become vulnerable during a vulnerable time? Was he afraid? What was there to be afraid of?</p>
<p>Garak had said last night that he didn’t want to hurt Julian...</p>
<p>But they didn’t <i>do</i> that. They liked to tease each other sometimes, and rile each other up, as they liked the rush of it, and how they would reconvene come bedtime and still find peace in each other’s arms. Sometimes when they were angry with each other, their kisses and touches were even more exciting, because Garak would get rough, and Julian would like it. But they didn’t <i>hurt</i> each other, not anymore.</p>
<p>What <i>hurt</i> was being avoided.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>Early morning passed in a bouncing step, going around their sanctuary island, Julian giving an energetic guided tour of everything from the crop field to the water tank to the wind turbine. In the forest, he made a point of climbing trees to bring down the rarest lizards whenever he saw them – blue ones, ones with fins – and released them back once they’d been shown around to their guests.<p>Jadzia usually walked alongside Julian, but he scampered ahead whenever he noticed something interesting. Sisko hung back to ponder their surroundings, stopping often, and catching up later. Kira and Miles made up the middle of the group, following and smiling and nodding, as Julian’s enthusiasm was catching.</p>
<p>Garak brought up the rear. Sometimes Julian would notice him smiling – at Kira’s yelp when a flying lizard collided with the back of her head, then at Julian’s stumble into a part of the swamp when they headed down that way. But Miles caught Julian’s hand and helped him back to the tree root, and then Julian caught Garak looking away, first expressionless, then bothered.</p>
<p>Holding Jadzia’s hand, Julian led his friends in a chain through the jungle’s swamp, stepping root to root, wanting to show them where their shuttle first landed.</p>
<p>As the temperature and humidity of the day ticked up, everyone did as Julian expected: they undid their uniforms and tied the sleeves around their waists.</p>
<p>But Garak...</p>
<p>By the time Julian and his friends reached the shuttle site, Garak was nowhere to be seen.</p>
<p>Julian’s heart fluttered in panic. He assured himself that Garak was just too hot out here in his thick Cardassian tunics; he’d gone back to the shuttle to shed his clothes and cool off while nobody was around. But the forest was dark and there were a thousand places he could have gone...</p>
<p>Julian tentatively reached for Jadzia’s tricorder in her belt...</p>
<p>He hadn’t touched a tricorder in months.</p>
<p>But he left it. He trusted himself. He knew where Garak was.</p>
<p>After a few minutes at the swamp crash site, he turned back and signalled the others to follow by pulling on Jadzia’s hand again. He didn’t realise he was hurrying until Jadzia laughed, “Slow down! Are you <i>trying</i> to drop us in the water?”</p>
<p>“I’m <i>trying</i> to show you the pond!” he replied, taking them the short way around, taking them up the steps cut into the hill and heading straight for his and Garak’s favourite place in the forest. “It’s gorgeous; you’ll love it.”</p>
<p>Of course he was right.</p>
<p>Cloud-refracted sunlight through the trees caught the blue waters so they glowed with a mist over them. Pinprick lights darted here as insects made their merry way from the lush floral and leafy banks to the twisted trees on the other side.</p>
<p>Julian stepped onto the sand in his sandals, followed by his company.</p>
<p>“This is where we catch and breed our eeish,” he said. “This is the third generation, now. There’s forty-five in here, four of which are pregnant. They actually breed faster than we can catch them, so we regularly release some into the outer swamps to maintain the balance. There’s eighty-three other species of swimming creature in here, can you believe that? And those are the ones I <i>know</i> of.”</p>
<p>Julian rushed to the black grasses poking out of the water on the far left of the pond. “We pluck these pond-grasses out, wash them, dry them in the sun. Oh, I told you last night, didn’t I? Ground up pond-grass makes amazing flour for bread.”</p>
<p>“This is <i>beautiful</i>,” Jadzia said, her eyes wide and her expression relaxed as she peered up into the sky. “Oh, I could stay here for<i>ever</i>.”</p>
<p>“Tell me about it,” Julian uttered, picking up a wooden bucket from beside a tree root. “Captain, want to try catching an eeish?”</p>
<p>Sisko didn’t seem put off by the idea. In fact, he laughed. “Any tips?”</p>
<p>“Go slow.” Julian smiled, clapped Sisko on the back, and handed him the bucket. “No sudden movements. I’m, um... just heading back to camp, I have something to ask Garak. Enjoy.”</p>
<p>Jadzia and Miles and Kira gathered around Sisko, egging him on, suggesting ways to complete his task. Julian backed away, leaving them to their fun.</p>
<p>He strolled back towards the shuttle’s field, head full of thoughts. He trusted Garak would be there, but in what state would Julian find him?</p>
<p>“Garak?”</p>
<p>Julian called to the open field, but saw no figure. He headed for the shuttle. “Elim, are you here?”</p>
<p>The heat of the day scorched the top of Julian’s head, so the coolness of the interior was blissful on every part of him. “Sweetheart?”</p>
<p>No answer.</p>
<p>Into the storage shed...</p>
<p>Empty.</p>
<p>Out the back door... Nothing. Silent...</p>
<p>But not so silent...</p>
<p>Julian found Garak there, in the shade of the storage shed, sitting on the ground in half a tunic, hunched against the wall, head in his hands. He sniffed.</p>
<p>Julian took off his sandals and stepped up to Garak, knelt by him, and kissed his bicep. “I’ve left them at the pond. We’re alone.”</p>
<p>Garak looked at Julian, his expression was withdrawn and overtaken by resignation. “We are alone,” he agreed. “Or, I am. Regrettably, my dear, I think I might be alone for some time.”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“I’m glad for you, Julian. I am.” Garak frowned and looked down into his lap. “I’m glad you have your friends. They care for you as I do, it’s clear. And it’s certainly easier for them to show it than it is for me. Never was there a luckier outcast than you.”</p>
<p>Julian shook his head. “You don’t need to pretend you don’t love me. They already thought we abandoned them to get <i>married</i>; I don’t think it would be impossible to get their heads around us having fallen in love in the meantime.”</p>
<p>Garak stood up and brushed the dirt off his hands. “If that were the case, I’m sure you’re right.”</p>
<p>“Pardon?” Julian got up too, scowling at Garak. “You said you loved me. You can’t just take that back.”</p>
<p>“On the contrary; I take issue simply with the idea that I fell in love with you <i>here</i>.”</p>
<p>Julian snorted. “Alright, fine, you fell in love with me in our bed. Ploughing the field. Splashing each other in the pond. Not behind the storage shed.”</p>
<p>“I mean on this planet, Julian. Here. In these last six months.”</p>
<p>Julian tilted his head. “Wait, are you saying—”</p>
<p>“I don’t expect that knowledge to sway any opinions you have of me, or influence any plans you have for leaving once the clouds clear. But know that—” Garak paused to swallow, caught by emotion. “I have loved you for many years. And I will love you for many more. For all my days, no doubt.”</p>
<p>Julian stared, heartbeat displaced by shock. “Wh-Why would it sway my opinion of you? No, strike that! Why would it <i>not</i>?” Elim—” Julian rushed for him, taking both cheeks in his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? Why didn’t you <i>say</i> something?”</p>
<p>Garak held the back of Julian’s hands, fingers locked between slim knuckles. His smile was soft, forgiving. “You said nothing to me.”</p>
<p>Julian’s breath caught. “When did you realise I’d fallen for you?”</p>
<p>Garak tilted Julian’s hand to his lips and kissed his fingers, then his palm. “The realisation came slowly. Every time you turned your camera on me.”</p>
<p>“Oh?” Julian smiled. He leaned into Garak’s space, loving the kisses on his wrist.</p>
<p>“You wanted <i>adventure</i> here, my dear, and you intended to capture the highlights on your holo-imager.” Garak stopped kissing and just held Julian’s hand. “You wanted... to remember what was important to you during your time here. At first it was the world, the tasks, the achievements. And then...”</p>
<p>“You,” Julian breathed.</p>
<p>“I shan’t speak in service to myself and say I’ve been your greatest adventure, but if I may, my dear: you have been mine.”</p>
<p>Julian’s lower lip quivered as a smile took over, with a flash of emotion and an urge to sink into Garak’s soul and stay there. “Elim... I need to ask you something.”</p>
<p>Intrigue lifted Garak’s chin. “Well then, I hope I know the answer.”</p>
<p>“So do I.” Julian gulped, lowering their joined hands. “When you... see me... with Miles. Or Jadzia. Or Sisko, or Kira, or any of them – when they take my hand, or hug me... what are you feeling? What makes you look away? You say you’re happy for me, but you don’t look it. Frankly, you look... heartbroken. So what is it? What’s the truth?”</p>
<p>Garak dipped his chin, eyes averted. “A year ago you would not have received a reply.”</p>
<p>“A year ago we’d have lunch once a week and I didn’t know why I got flutters in my belly whenever you looked at me. Things change, Elim. People change. We learn, and we grow, and I <i>know</i> you can answer the damn question.”</p>
<p>Garak met his eyes, smiling. But the smile dimmed, and he frowned a bit, eyes away. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you.”</p>
<p>“<i>Feeling</i> something isn’t <i>wrong</i>, Elim,” Julian told him. “If you’re jealous, I’d understand that. You know it’s platonic with the others; I don’t need to explain that. But it barely even matters to you, does it? I’m touching people who aren’t you. Expressing love and affection. Spending time with people when before it was only you. I understand! I’m not hurt by that, but I can see you are. I just don’t understand why you won’t <i>do</i> as they do. <i>Hold</i> my hand. Hug me, touch me. Take my by the waist and kiss me where they’d <i>see</i>. Let them see. Call me the sweet things you call me in bed. Let them <i>know</i> I’m yours and yours alone.”</p>
<p>“You’re...?” Garak’s eyes snapped to Julian’s, taken aback. “Do you mean that?”</p>
<p>“I’m yours? Dear <i>God</i>, Elim, of course I do.” Julian barged into his space and held his cheek again, noses an inch apart.</p>
<p>He kissed Garak’s cheek deeply.</p>
<p>“I’m yours,” he whispered to Garak’s skin. “<i>All</i> yours.”</p>
<p>He placed soft, hot kisses from Garak’s jaw to his ear, and in breaths, promised, “Every part of me, Elim, I’m yours. Now. Always. Always.”</p>
<p>Part of him wondered what he was saying, where it came from. In the times before this isolation, he’d never considered himself to be monogamous, but circumstance had shaped his fantasies towards futures that showed only one man as his lover. He wanted a life with him, undisturbed. Undistracted.</p>
<p>Perhaps he dreaded the return to DS9 because there would be temptation there. Other people. Other lives, other futures. He didn’t want that. He wanted <i>this</i>.</p>
<p>“I want you,” Julian said, pushing Garak to the clay wall and kissing his ear. Julian ran a hand down Garak’s chest, then back up. “Take me. Whatever way you’ll have me, take me.”</p>
<p>Garak began to purr, but there was a lower note, one unheard before. A growl, almost.</p>
<p>“What is that?” Julian asked, feeling the vibration through his ribcage. “I like it...”</p>
<p>Garak’s hands strayed into Julian’s hair, scrunching it. A powerful grip tilted Julian’s head back so their eyes met, and Julian saw darkness in Garak’s eyes, despite the brightness of the day. Garak smiled—</p>
<p>He spun Julian around and thrust him against the wall, purring against his neck. “You’re mine?” he breathed.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Julian said.</p>
<p>Garak kissed his way up Julian’s neck. “You’ll love me.”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>“You want me to kiss you? Touch you.”</p>
<p>Julian nodded and nodded and dragged his lips open against Garak’s cheek. “Yes. Yes.” His hips surged; Garak pushed on him. “Yes.”</p>
<p>Garak’s hot lips and shuddering breath seared Julian’s pulsating skin, fire and ice covering him over and over again. Each kiss was an explosion across a dark sky; silent, expansive across a universe, each lit with a touch.</p>
<p>Garak’s hand caught Julian under his lower back; pulled him in, connected their bodies. Their cheeks brushed, eyelashes fluttering, voices skimming each breath in want, in hunger.</p>
<p>“Elim,” Julian groaned. “Eeh-h-lim—”</p>
<p>“My dear...”</p>
<p>Julian grasped Garak’s hair and looked at him darkly, tilted head and wet lips. “What are you waiting for?” He let his eyes dip to Garak’s mouth. A growled whisper: “<i>What are you </i>waiting<i> for?</i>”</p>
<p>Garak shut his eyes and kissed Julian, mouths open, hands thrust into each other’s hair. Julian yelled into the kiss, clutching Garak so tight it hurt his hands. He scowled, wanting and wanting until – yes! – Garak shoved him into the wall and took a thigh in his hand and set himself between Julian’s legs. He pushed. Julian pushed back.</p>
<p>The kiss broke. Panting. Purring.</p>
<p>Eyes met.</p>
<p>Julian saw fear and satisfaction in Garak’s eyes, warring. But all Julian could do was <i>laugh</i> – for joy, ignited by euphoria. It was real now, it was true. Until now Garak was some dream, some fantasy, someone to play with. Someone he wanted but didn’t think he’d be able to keep. He’d never placed such importance on one touch before. After all they’d had, one more kiss was insignificant; it was no more intimate than eating from Garak’s hand, holding each other through the night, watching the other man wash himself. But... this kiss was important to Garak. This meant something to him. A kiss on the lips... changed things.</p>
<p>This was a promise.</p>
<p>A second kiss. Soft this time.</p>
<p>A third, even softer.</p>
<p>Garak began to nuzzle into his kisses, breaking them and fixing them with curious lips, hands tracing Julian’s jaw, ear. A pluck of teeth at his lip, nose skimmed through his beard. Shared breath, a smile...</p>
<p>Julian’s leg slipped from Garak’s grip and they stood together, knees interlocked, hips in contact. Breathing so close their lungs got in each other’s way.</p>
<p>Garak kept hurrying close for another kiss; always another. Each was given like he thought he’d be pushed away – but didn’t want to be, so he clung closer. Held tighter. Each was as celebratory as their first kiss but as fearful as though it would be their last.</p>
<p>Julian even tried to duck away as he was getting overwhelmed, but Garak cried out and stole another kiss, and fell back into a helpless volley of smooches and smothering breaths.</p>
<p>“Don’t stop,” Garak begged, hands gripping in Julian’s clothes. “Oh, don’t let it stop, my dear. I don’t want this to end. We may never have another chance. We wasted so much time here.”</p>
<p>“There’s time,” Julian smiled, as Garak kissed him for the fortieth time and then shivered there, making greedy little sounds. “There’s time for a thousand, ten-thousand, a hundred-thousand more kisses. We have a <i>lifetime</i>, Elim. We’ll make a place together on the station. We can be happy wherever we are. All these months together, we didn’t <i>waste</i> it. We didn’t waste a <i>moment</i>.”</p>
<p>Garak gave him a pitying look, tears in his waterline. “I’m afraid we did.”</p>
<p>A tear fell.</p>
<p>Julian’s heart crushed itself with pain, and he shook his head fast. “No.” He kissed Garak’s lips as gently as he could, hand cupped under his chin. He felt that single tear on his own skin, sticky. “I’ve loved you more every day. We became who we needed to be, Elim. Who we <i>wanted</i> to be. We said what we said last night because it took until that moment before we could say it. We did this today because we’d become the people who could <i>do</i> this. We didn’t waste a second.”</p>
<p>Garak swallowed, blinking until a tear fell from the other eye. He took a few breaths, then asked, voice wavering, “Would you really give it all back? Would you return to the world of before, knowing that you would not be able to take everything from this one with you? There’s no sun up there and you’ll find yourself living through an endless winter. You’ll stretch yourself between a hundred, two hundred people and you’ll never know more than a dozen of them half as well as you’ve known me. You’ll taste your favourite foods and wish only for what you’ve eaten here. You’ll be the man you were before, Julian. You’ll be as alone as you were then.”</p>
<p>Julian stared at Garak, seeing a liar suddenly too honest.</p>
<p>“It will be like dying,” Garak told Julian, unable to look him in the eyes. “We leave here and we die. The men, these men,” he stroked Julian’s heart, “who love each other as <i>fiercely</i> and as closely as we do, will perish.”</p>
<p>“You’re wrong,” Julian replied. “Garak, if you think I’ll only care for you under these specific circumstances – why? because this is how I learned to love you? – you’re <i>wrong</i>. Don’t you <i>dare</i> twist this into some nightmare. I don’t want to leave here any more than you do, but don’t make it sound like I’ll stop loving you just because we’re not here.”</p>
<p>Garak wept again, in silence. He leaned in and pushed a soft kiss to Julian’s cheek. “I suggest you do,” he said, under his breath. “Because when the clouds clear, the time we’ve had here ends, along with everything we gained.”</p>
<p>Julian just stared.</p>
<p>“I told you,” Garak said, stepping away at last. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”</p>
<p>He left the tears sparkling on his lower eye-ridges, and he turned to leave.</p>
<p>“Where are you going?” Julian called after him, chasing him the two steps he’d travelled.</p>
<p>“Home,” Garak said, looking back only once. “I’m going home.”</p>
<p>He stepped into the storage room and shut the door behind him.</p>
<p><i>Home</i>?</p>
<p>Julian placed a palm on the door, feeling the heat of day radiating out of it as intensely as a living body. He’d cut this wood. He’d hewn it, sanded it, fixed it in place. Rested on it. Slammed into it in anger. Kissed against it.</p>
<p>It was more than he could say for any other thing he’d ever placed a hand against.</p>
<p>Anything but Garak.</p>
<p><i>Home</i>.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. We Exist Here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jadzia kept glancing over as she and Julian picked their way through the deeper parts of the nutty-olive forest. She usually wasn’t one to hold back her bare and honest opinions, so Julian wondered if he was giving out a ‘do not disturb’ signal while lost in thought.</p>
<p>Patches of sun broke through the boughs of the trees, scattering gold across the well-trodden walkways. But the shine didn’t stay long, and with the swift return of the clouds came the return of Julian’s awareness of how Jadzia was <i>not</i> speaking.</p>
<p>“What aren’t you saying to me?” Julian said, finally. He shot her a smirk. “Go on, speak up. I’m listening.”</p>
<p>Jadzia grinned and shucked the wood they’d been collecting more firmly into the grip of her arm. “You really <i>like</i> it here, don’t you?”</p>
<p>Julian snorted. “<i>That’s</i> what you’ve spent half an hour wondering?”</p>
<p>“It’s what you’ve spent half an hour thinking about,” Jadzia retorted. “Isn’t it?” She bounded up a grassy bank and waited for Julian to follow.</p>
<p>“I’m thinking about a <i>lot</i> of things,” Julian replied, as he ascended the bank.</p>
<p>There was a fallen tree at the top. Julian set his booted foot on a pressure point to snap off a branch for firewood.</p>
<p>“Are you thinking about... Garak?” Jadzia asked.</p>
<p>Julian’s insides began to fizz with excitement. He paused with a branch in hand, raising his eyes to meet his friend’s. “How do you mean? Why do you say it like that?”</p>
<p>Jadzia shrugged innocently, eyes roaming to a chirping insect on a nearby tree trunk. “Since the rescue team got here, sometimes I’ve seen you two interacting and I’ve wondered what your relationship to him really is.”</p>
<p>Julian tutted. “You’ve been here a <i>day</i>. Less than. How many times could you possibly wonder in that long?”</p>
<p>“You’re avoiding the question.”</p>
<p>“You haven’t actually asked a question, Jadzia. For the record.”</p>
<p>“Alright, fine: what <i>is</i> your relationship to Garak?” Jadzia took the broken branch he handed her, and waited for an answer. “It must’ve changed over the six months you’ve been here, with only each other for company.”</p>
<p>Julian’s breath caught on nothing, and he lapped at his lips, looking away.</p>
<p>“Julian?”</p>
<p>Inside Julian, the answer screamed, but it was all emotion, no words. He felt aggressive attraction, and urgent, urgent desires to protect Garak, touch him, make him feel pleasure. He wanted to make him smile and laugh. He felt warm with the knowledge that their enjoyment of each other was mutual. He felt... <i>safe</i> in his presence. And uncertain of that safety, but in the best possible way; a way that felt thrilling. Julian craved a future where nobody could pass judgement upon him for being so gleefully <i>obsessed</i> with the ex-Obsidian Order spy named Elim Garak, or so happy that Elim was equally obsessed with him.</p>
<p>Jadzia grinned, stunned by Julian’s silence. “Wow, I didn’t think it was such a hard question. Want me to rephrase?”</p>
<p>“He’s— It—” Julian gulped hard, and bowed his head to look at the bark chips littered across his palm. “We’re best friends.”</p>
<p>Well, it was true.</p>
<p>“Oof.” Jadzia clutched her heart. “Usurped! And Miles! Poor Miles. Julian, what would he <i>say</i>?”</p>
<p>Julian grinned. “If anyone else had come with me and Garak, maybe things would’ve been different.”</p>
<p>“So,” Jadzia said, as she handed Julian all the firewood, then got to work taking one from him at a time, breaking the lengthiest branches under a boot, “I know you two would’ve had to work together to survive here, and you always seemed to <i>get along</i> during your lunch-date book clubs at the Replimat, or Quark’s, or whichever other restaurant on the station, but... you realise you could’ve gone a different way once you landed here, don’t you? You might’ve started to resent your situation and turned that anger on each other. I’m just glad you didn’t become <i>enemies</i> after all this time. We might’ve found you in a very different situation.”</p>
<p>Enemies...?</p>
<p>Julian stayed quiet for a while. All he could think about was that, as of about an hour ago, he and Garak had officially become <i>lovers</i>.</p>
<p>“Don’t you get sick of him? Don’t you fight?”</p>
<p>Julian looked at Jadzia, who had begun to sweat. Even the sleeveless undershirt she wore was too hot for her.</p>
<p>“We do fight,” Julian said. He put down the wood and reached for another branch on the fallen tree, as Jadzia held it steady so it didn’t whip back when it rocked. “We fight, but we make up. <i>Usually</i> the same day. I’m not sick of him. I’m not sick of any of this. Actually, I... I still want...”</p>
<p><i>More</i>.</p>
<p>
  <i>More of this place, more of him. I’m not finished learning yet. I’ll never be finished.</i>
</p>
<p>“I could spend a lifetime here,” Julian said. “And I can’t imagine I’d get tired of it. I like the fact it’s not ideal. And every move Elim and I make towards perfecting it, making it safer, more efficient, comes with the compromise of hard work, danger, risk. I can’t think of a better game. And the best part is that it’s real.</p>
<p>“I used to fantasise about... living like this.” Julian opened an arm to gesture to the chirruping, wild-rushed wilderness. “Granted, my fantasies involved more people, more medicine to practise, more espionage, and more functional technology, but this really isn’t far off. The core of what I always wanted consisted of situations and personalities to challenge me, a foreign, rough-around-the-edges space to make my own, and genuine companionship, the kind that makes me sure I can trust someone with anything. And I... I have that.” He took a breath, relaxing into his surety. “I have that <i>here</i>.”</p>
<p>“You didn’t have that on DS9?”</p>
<p>“What? Oh. Yes, I suppose.” He bowed down and got back to work, snapping wood into manageable lengths. “But it’s Garak. He’s—”</p>
<p>Julian straightened, eyes to the sky. “He’s what makes this place— Even at our worst moments!” Julian interrupted himself in a fit of passion, “Even at our worst we can find a way to work through an issue. We understand what the other needs – and you’re like that with Worf, aren’t you? With Kira, and Sisko. Time apart, time together; there’s balance. Elim and I started off with individualised skills, but we taught each other so much that we’re basically the same person. But that never meant that we don’t... <i>ask</i> the other for help. We <i>like</i> to work together. Call me sentimental, but it’s true: we both value our partnership enough not to sabotage it in the heat of the moment.”</p>
<p>With a glad smile, Julian met Jadzia’s eyes, and was pleased to see her smiling too.</p>
<p>“I’ve been happy here. Genuinely, <i>genuinely</i> happy.” Julian beamed at his Trill friend, shaking his head in quiet awe. “And I can tell you right now: Elim is the reason for that.”</p>
<p>He swallowed, realising how much he’d said without outright confessing his love. “S-So, uhm... to answer your question...”</p>
<p>“Symbiotic,” Jadzia said. “Your relationship with Garak is symbiotic.”</p>
<p>In a rush of euphoria, Julian’s eyes flooded with tears. For a joined Trill to use that word conveyed a depth of understanding greater than any complete sentence Federation Standard had the capacity to explain. Jadzia and her Dax symbiote made each other stronger in every way. But it wasn’t just that – there was love between them. Self-love. Love for another. Acceptance of every part of another living being, as rejecting even a flaw would be detrimental to both. She didn’t need to hear Julian confess his love for Garak; she already knew.</p>
<p>Julian felt a static shock as Jadzia placed a hand on his arm. But he didn’t retreat from it.</p>
<p>“I’m happy for you,” Jadzia told him. She let him go, picked up all the wood, and bundled it to her side. She gazed into Julian’s eyes, then leaned in and put a kiss on his cheek. There was something intense, almost furious in her eyes when she pulled back. “And if I were you, Julian, I’d make sure you do everything in your <i>power</i> to make sure you don’t lose what you’ve found here.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>“You must miss New Orleans, Benjamin,” Jadzia said. She leaned towards the fire to hold a nutty-olive into the flame on a skewer. “Or at the very least, you missed cooking on a real fire.”<p>Sisko hummed a happy note, turning the eeish on the spit again. Below, the flames flung higher, encouraged by the dripping fat.</p>
<p>Julian hastily situated a handled pot under the eeish so the fat wouldn’t be wasted.</p>
<p>“No doubt I’ll always miss it, old man,” Sisko said to Jadzia. “There are some places where memories become so... rooted, someday they’re part of your soul. We travel far and long, and we might never go back to where we felt most at peace – times change, everything moves, as we do – but we always <i>keep</i> where we belong. Aeh, I’ll miss New Orleans, but I’ve never gone away from that place. Damned if I ever will. I exist... there, and then. Same way as I exist here, now.”</p>
<p>Julian stared into the fire until it blanked his vision in yellow, still breathing the woodsmoke as it drifted between himself and Kira. He wondered how many dreams he’d have in the years to come where he breathed this same smoke as if re-living these moments, in this place.</p>
<p>The group had gathered around the campfire for a late meal. Garak would usually have gone inside already, but the heat of the fire seemed more inviting than ever, and although the people here did not sit shoulder-to-shoulder, their closeness provided shelter. Garak was across the circle from Julian, under two blankets, nursing a red leaf tea and a smile.</p>
<p>Julian didn’t know how he could smile. What was there to be happy about?</p>
<p>Alright, a hundred things. The company of people who cared; the shared sensory experience; the anticipation of meeting little Kirayoshi and returning to a life he’d long missed.</p>
<p>Two metres separated Garak and himself, but it could’ve been two lightyears for all Julian could see. That damn Cardassian had spent six months gradually becoming someone who whispered truths to Julian as easily as breathing, expressed his concerns or complains without restraint. For all his inclinations to make Julian work hard for a straight answer, he communicated in ways Julian enjoyed and understood.</p>
<p>Julian comprehended the situation better after their moment behind the storage shed. Garak... didn’t want to leave. This was his home, and it had become part of his soul.</p>
<p>He existed here. And he didn’t want to exist anywhere else.</p>
<p>Julian empathised with that. He felt the same way.</p>
<p>But what he kept failing to comprehend was why Garak remained over <i>there</i> when he could be over <i>here</i>.</p>
<p>Conversation burbled into semi-nonsense in Julian’s mind. Kira laughed brightly while Jadzia said something flirtatious. Miles grumbled about Sisko doing the food wrong and Sisko invited him to have a try, only for Miles to drop an eeish in the pot below and splash the fat into the flames, making the fire flare and everyone startle back. Julian only realised moments later that any drama had occurred. He tuned back in to hear Kira utter, “Didn’t you <i>read</i> Julian’s guidebook?” then zoned out again.</p>
<p>He stared at Garak.</p>
<p>Garak stared into his mug.</p>
<p>A party went on around them but Julian and Garak sat it out, lost in their own separate worlds. Worlds that ought to be connected but... seemed to be... drifting apart.</p>
<p>Frustrated, Julian huffed and looked away from Garak.</p>
<p>His eyes went to Jadzia, who’d taken a fifth nutty-olive off her skewer, having perfected how long to hold it in the fire so that it toasted but didn’t burn. He watched her pluck it between her fingers and blow on it, then offer it to Kira.</p>
<p>Kira smiled and took it to eat, and Jadzia picked up another to start over.</p>
<p>As Julian listened to the cadence of Jadzia’s voice, he heard in his head another thing she’d said today: “<i>Do everything in your </i>power<i> to make sure you don’t lose what you’ve found here.</i>”</p>
<p>He looked to Garak and wondered if he’d already lost it...</p>
<p>No.</p>
<p>No!</p>
<p>Julian stood up and crossed the circle, avoiding the fire and Miles’ legs. Julian sat down with force beside Garak on the longer log seat, and jumped to sit close enough that their sides touched.</p>
<p>Garak looked at him, surprised.</p>
<p>Crossly, Julian lifted Garak’s left arm and draped it over his right shoulder, so now Julian was warmly tucked into Garak’s embrace. Julian glared at him, daring him to withdraw.</p>
<p>But Garak smiled, and lowered his head in a blush. He withdrew his arm, but was careful to leave Julian with one side of his blanket.</p>
<p>Julian accepted that. Not perfect, but it would do. He looked up to check how the others reacted, but was somewhat surprised to see they hadn’t reacted at all. Miles was still fussing with the dropped eeish, which had since fallen apart, while Sisko grinned to himself and tended to the remaining food. Kira and Jadzia were debating how best to toast the nutty-olives, comparing samples with the morsels in their hands.</p>
<p>Garak, having seen Julian’s disgruntlement, murmured, “Did you intend to start a scandal?”</p>
<p>“No,” Julian muttered back. He hugged his bent knees, and shot Garak a dark look. “But maybe I was expecting one, after all the mixed signals you’ve been giving me. Nobody knows what to make of our relationship, now. Including me.”</p>
<p>Garak had the decency to look apologetic. He lowered his eyes, then tipped his head away. After a moment to consider something, he looked back, and... gently... slid his hand across onto Julian’s lap. He took Julian’s hand by its underside, cold Cardassian palm to warm Human palm, and slowly linked their fingers between each other. Garak stroked at Julian’s hand with a thumb, back and forth.</p>
<p>Julian watched his hand embraced so lovingly, heart afloat and ablaze. The flames danced within him now, and the energy in the surrounding conversation touched him rather than skimming past him.</p>
<p>Short on breath, he lifted his eyes to Garak’s, who peered back hopefully.</p>
<p>Julian wondered if they could kiss...</p>
<p>Kira said, “—Julian—”</p>
<p>Julian snatched his and Garak’s joined hands away, hiding them under their blanket cape. “Yes?” He flushed hot and cold in panicked waves. “Hm?”</p>
<p>“What?” Kira gave him an odd look. “Oh... I... was saying to <i>Jadzia</i> that the book about the wildlife here you’ve written is... Okay, I’ll be honest, it’s kind of overly-technical, but it’s informative. It really is.” She bent forward to accept the segment of eeish that Miles served her on a plate. “You should publish that in some science journal once you get back.”</p>
<p>“Keiko’ll know which one,” Miles agreed. He served Sisko and Jadzia at the same time, then started on a plate for someone else, laying fragments of steaming eeish across leafy salad.</p>
<p>Julian’s pounding heart began to settle. “Oh. Ye... Yeah. I should. I should do that. And Garak can publish his botanical research.”</p>
<p>Garak smiled his customer-service smile at nobody in particular. “An excellent idea, Doctor!”</p>
<p>Garak stroked Julian’s hand behind his back.</p>
<p>Julian stroked back. He glanced over, and they shared a soft look – perhaps a sad one, an uncertain one, but one intended to offer comfort.</p>
<p>Julian didn’t know why he wanted to hide their entwined hands. It had been purely instinctual. Was this kind of intimacy too private for their present company? Was Julian taking Garak’s need for secrecy too closely to heart?</p>
<p>Or did he just like the idea of forbidden love?</p>
<p>Maybe he did.</p>
<p>He smiled Garak’s way, and Garak smirked back.</p>
<p>“Our little secret?” Julian murmured to him.</p>
<p>Garak purred for a brief moment. He opened his mouth to reply when Kira finished a sentence directed at him and Julian: “—but you two really made a home for yourselves here.”</p>
<p>Julian and Garak looked at her.</p>
<p>“It’s beautiful,” Kira said proudly. “The place, and your lifestyle. And I mean that.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Julian said warmly.</p>
<p>“A shame you’re leaving it behind,” Miles said. He passed Julian a plate, then another, and Julian handed the first to Garak before taking the second. “Real shame.”</p>
<p>“It is a shame, isn’t it?” Garak said. He took the fork Sisko passed him, and looked down into his food.</p>
<p>Julian held his hand for a few moments longer, sensing he needed the comfort. But he had to let go to eat. Garak’s energy shrank upon being released, and it hurt to see.</p>
<p>He turned his head so nobody else heard or saw, and offered a whisper for Garak: “We exist here, Elim. We will always exist... here.”</p>
<p>Garak tried to smile but failed. He turned his fork over, and began to eat.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>Continuing the deceit of the previous night, Garak and Julian battled for the bed once they had Jadzia as an audience. Julian claimed it was his turn to sleep in the bed, since <i>Garak</i> had it <i>last</i> night, and it was meant to be Garak keeping watch tonight.<p>Garak tutted. “Given neither of us need to keep watch now, it hardly seems fair that I’m relegated to the floor. If Mr. O’Brien’s plans play out, tonight is our final night on this planet, and as connected to this place as I feel, Doctor, I don’t need to be <i>that</i> close to it.”</p>
<p>Julian did up his pyjama buttons, looking bothered. “You know I’m too tall for this tiny little space. Look, the mattress doesn’t even fit on the floor.”</p>
<p>“There’s room in the cargo hold.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to sleep in the cargo hold.”</p>
<p>“And you think I do? I’ve been outside for long enough, tonight. I’d rather sleep warmly, or I’m sure you can imagine: I’ll be complaining of aches and pains all day.”</p>
<p>Jadzia sat down on her mattress, brushing her hair. “The floor’s not that bad.”</p>
<p>Julian muttered, “If you knew how comfortable the bed was, you wouldn’t agree.”</p>
<p>“If you made the bed by hand,” Jadzia said, “why did you only make one? Why didn’t you make a bunk bed, or something that would fold away?”</p>
<p>Garak fielded that one. “Because, Lieutenant, it was already well-established that only one of us slept each night. We only needed a single bed.”</p>
<p>“It’s not a single. It’s pretty big, actually,” Jadzia noted. “Could fit two people, easily.”</p>
<p>Julian folded his arms. His bare feet were deeply set into the unoccupied floor mattress, and his toes tensed and curled as he realised Jadzia might be catching on.</p>
<p>“Look, Garak, it’s our last night here,” Julian said. “The beds on DS9 are... frankly, horrible. And...” he rolled his eyes, “I know how much you hate those. So...” A sigh. “Alright. You have the nice bed tonight. Enjoy it.”</p>
<p>“Ah—” Garak caught Julian’s elbow before he could sit down on his mattress. “No. No, I’ve— I’ve quite changed my mind. You’re right, this <i>is</i> our last night here. You should... savour it. I had my turn last night.”</p>
<p>“But you’ll be uncomfortable on the floor.”</p>
<p>“I’ve slept in worse situations, Doctor.”</p>
<p>“That’s not a good—”</p>
<p>“Doctor. I <i>insist</i>. Your last night here ought to be as pleasant as possible before you’re doomed to years aboard that dismal space station.”</p>
<p>Julian huffed. “You really do know how to sell it, don’t you?”</p>
<p>Garak smirked. “Is it working?”</p>
<p>Julian cracked a smile. “A bit.”</p>
<p>Jadzia sighed from her spot, looking up from a padd. “Would you two just share the bed already?”</p>
<p>Julian gaped, then hurriedly shook his head.</p>
<p>“Out of the question,” Garak said. He turned away from Julian and made his graceful way down to the floor mattress. “Goodnight, my dear – friends.” A fast save.</p>
<p>Julian plopped himself on the bed and wrapped himself in the covers and <i>sulked</i>.</p>
<p>Nearly twenty minutes passed in a silence that, to Julian, felt oppressive. He glared at the ceiling for most of that time, then at the lantern Jadzia kept on, then at Garak, who’d bundled himself up under a blanket.</p>
<p>“Uncomfortable, isn’t it?” Julian said to Garak.</p>
<p>“Hmmmm?” Garak said sleepily. “Are you talking to me?”</p>
<p>“Can’t you feel the world <i>pushing up</i> into you? Don’t you bump your elbow every time you move?”</p>
<p>“‘M perfectly fine, Doctor.”</p>
<p>“Isn’t it cold?”</p>
<p>“Ah, a little. Nothing I can’t withstand.”</p>
<p>Julian pouted. Garak was so dense when he wanted to be. “<i>I</i> found it uncomfortable. It’s much nicer here. Soft double mattress... A supportive wooden frame... And I’ve already warmed it up for you...”</p>
<p>Jadzia chuckled. “Julian, what are you trying to get at?”</p>
<p>“It’s a good bed,” Julian said innocently.</p>
<p>A few minutes of silence passed.</p>
<p>Julian started to get upset. He’d never sleep under these conditions. And he knew for a fact that Garak wouldn’t either. They needed their goodnight kisses.</p>
<p>“Elim?”</p>
<p>Garak sighed. “Must you call me that? It’s just Garak. Plain, simple—”</p>
<p>“Get up here.”</p>
<p>“I beg your pardon?”</p>
<p>“Get. In.” Julian wrenched back the covers. “Now, before the heat escapes.”</p>
<p>Jadzia cheered, “Heyyy, he saw sense! Take him up on the offer, Garak.”</p>
<p>Garak chuckled. He slowly sat up. “Doctor, while I appreciate the suggestion—”</p>
<p>“Appreciate it <i>here</i>.”</p>
<p>Garak was quiet for a while.</p>
<p>Julian sat up too, waiting for him.</p>
<p>Garak shook his head.</p>
<p>Disheartened, Julian let the blanket fall back to his own body. He lay down, facing away, and sighed. “Jadzia, turn the light off, please.”</p>
<p>Jadzia, keenly sensing this wasn’t a moment for a joke, turned out the light and set aside her padd.</p>
<p>Garak lay down too.</p>
<p>Quiet...</p>
<p>Julian covered his face with his hands and willed back tears, holding his breath so his sobs were silent. They hurt his chest. Or maybe that was the pain of being rejected so completely...</p>
<p>He curled into the wall and buried himself under his blanket, letting out one accidental sniffle. He had to pant for breath after, praying he hadn’t made a noise.</p>
<p>He forced his body calm, but inside he was <i>burning</i> with grief. One last night in the place he loved most in the universe, with the person he loved most, and it was all being torn away too soon. Of all things, and all people, he hated <i>Jadzia</i> in that moment, for being there, for making Garak afraid to show how much he—</p>
<p>The bed sank down behind Julian.</p>
<p>Julian wrenched over, only to be hushed with a finger.</p>
<p>Garak snuggled up, arms around Julian’s waist from behind.</p>
<p>A kiss settled on his shoulder through his pyjamas.</p>
<p>Julian hissed, “Garak, what the hell are you doing? Why are you <i>doing</i> this to me?”</p>
<p>“I’m making one mistake after another, my dear,” Garak breathed, so quiet Julian barely heard him, but felt his words against the back of his neck. “I could bring you closer or push you away – but no matter what I do now, I’ll hurt you.”</p>
<p>Julian despised being soothed so tenderly when he’d just been hurt by the same man. Garak held too much power. But perhaps this was his apology. Perhaps he was showing it instead of saying—</p>
<p>“I am sorry,” Garak mouthed against Julian’s neck. “You know hurting you is not my intention but I... I will need to hurt you one more time after this. And after that I don’t expect you to forgive me. But I beg you forgive me this one last time, for the sake of tonight.”</p>
<p>“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Too loud a whisper.</p>
<p>Garak shook his head. “You’ll know tomorrow. Sleep, my dear. I’ll be with you.”</p>
<p>Julian let tears flow from him, unexplainable. There was an ugly pressure in his chest and he felt it growing and growing to consume him. The only thing that kept emotion from drowning him was Garak: how he held his hand, and stroked his waist, and kissed his neck, breathing there.</p>
<p>Eventually Julian relaxed. He sniffed, and rolled over, wanting a proper cuddle. Garak saw his tears in the faint glow of the shuttle’s standby lights, and Julian watched Garak’s expression turn from regretful to devastated. Garak shut his eyes to lament in silence, head pressed to Julian’s, hands on his heart.</p>
<p>Julian put a soft kiss on Garak’s lips, and Garak let him.</p>
<p>Making no noise whatsoever, Julian mouthed against Garak’s cheek: “<i>I love you.</i>”</p>
<p>Garak sighed, hot breath flooding under their blanket. “Oh, how I wish you didn’t.”</p>
<p>Before Julian could even think about that, Garak took Julian closer and nuzzled his neck, breathing softly under his shirt. Julian started to rub Garak’s chest, knowing he liked that; Garak let out an automatic purr before going silent, tense again, fearing that Jadzia heard.</p>
<p>Jadzia shifted on her mattress. “What was that?” she asked. “That rattly noise. Did you hear it?”</p>
<p>“Coolant,” Garak said calmly. “Coolant in the shuttle wall. Bubbles rise and it does that.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Jadzia said. “Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“Quite sure.”</p>
<p>Julian hurriedly hid himself and Garak under the double blanket, sneaking a few rolling kisses as he did. Garak remained tense, unwilling to respond to even the slowest affections applied to his throat.</p>
<p>“Please,” Julian begged. “I need to exist here. Let me. Let me exist in this moment, forget everything else. Be with me.”</p>
<p>Garak kissed Julian’s lips sweetly, holding the back of his head. “I will always be with you, my dear. Please don’t forget that.”</p>
<p>Julian hated not understanding. But he had to let it go, for his own sake.</p>
<p>Time became nonlinear; every other moment ceased to matter. In this breath, he was held in Garak’s arms. In the next, Garak was held in his.</p>
<p>Joy lingered. Beyond the fading tears, there were smiles, and bitten lips and tiny, playful grins, felt but not seen in the dark under the blankets. There was a fleeting giggle flung from Julian’s lungs as Garak slipped a hand under his shirt to touch his belly. There was a restrained purr deep within Garak’s chest, kept quiet but still allowed to rattle.</p>
<p>Julian rolled atop Garak and sank into a dozen kisses, deep ones, desperate ones. Garak held Julian’s lower back and tilted his head into every kiss, stealing breaths back once Julian had made use of them.</p>
<p>Julian rocked his hips a few times, but that was Garak’s limit; he gripped Julian’s waist and prevented anything more. Julian relaxed back to the bed...</p>
<p>...And smiled, because Garak cuddled up next to him, and soon lay his cheek on Julian’s chest.</p>
<p>Julian finger-combed through Garak’s hair, stroking his eye-ridges as he did.</p>
<p>After everything Julian had felt in these last minutes, the greatest emotion that remained, even trumping his dread, was relief. Light-headed, dizzying, comforting relief. He believed Garak when he’d implied there was something else going on. Garak had a plan... and Julian would not like it. But he knew Garak well enough to know that if he withheld something, despite the damage the secret was causing, there had to be a reason.</p>
<p>A <i>good</i> reason.</p>
<p>But all of that was something to come.</p>
<p>For now, this was... wonderful.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Let’s Finish What We Started</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Julian woke with a familiar vibration thrumming against his back, heat against his skin. Garak’s lips rested on the side of his neck, open and tender. Soft kisses accompanied each flowing breath, and a hand... a hand ventured to rest over his heart. Julian smiled, shifting his own hand to hold it.</p>
<p>“Hello,” he said.</p>
<p>“Good morning, my dear.”</p>
<p>Daylight graced the front of the cockpit, hitting the cabin at such an angle that Julian felt sun on the blanket covering his toes. It was long past dawn.</p>
<p>He remembered getting out of bed about twenty minutes before he usually got up, visiting the washroom in the dark, then returning to bed with the intention to snooze until he <i>really</i> had to be up... Clearly he’d fallen asleep again.</p>
<p>Garak’s purr was easygoing, unhurried, and loud enough that anyone else in the shuttle’s cabin would hear. Julian was facing the wall so he couldn’t look around, but he didn’t hear anyone. Even so, he wanted to be sure...</p>
<p>“Are we alone?” he asked Garak, voice thick.</p>
<p>Garak nodded. “The others are outside making breakfast.”</p>
<p>“Without your guidance?” Julian grinned.</p>
<p>“I’m certain they’ll survive,” Garak said, something more desirous about his tone. His breath came hotter against Julian’s throat, followed by a rough groan. “M-My dear...”</p>
<p>Julian gasped shakily, immediately smiling: he felt Garak’s erection against his buttocks, although the sensation was muffled by underwear and pyjamas. “Oh,” Julian whispered. He bit his lip and shut his eyes as sparkles of excitement flushed through him, making him perspire in waves.</p>
<p>“I don’t know if you’d care to rush any intimacies,” Garak said, nuzzling at Julian’s shoulder, “but we have a number of minutes before anyone announces a meal. Perhaps... if you are amenable... we might...” Garak ran out of words. “Hmmm.”</p>
<p>“We could wait until we’re back on the station,” Julian suggested. “Then we wouldn’t need to rush. And there wouldn’t be anyone on the other side of a curtain who might overhear, or look in at any moment.”</p>
<p>He said this despite knowing he’d regret not making love in this place, already laying there with an erection.</p>
<p>He felt a chill of relief, therefore, when Garak replied, “I don’t want to wait. In fact, my dear, I don’t think I <i>can</i>.”</p>
<p>Julian’s smirk remained on his face as he rolled in the bed, bumping around until he lay on his back, head turned to the blushing Garak. Julian took Garak’s cheek and guided him into a kiss, which Garak accepted with gratitude and glee; his breaths hitched and his kisses became bitey, and on the fifth he let out a groan of want.</p>
<p>“I’m already hard,” Julian admitted. “And I <i>have</i> been a bit... well, <i>desperate</i> for a while. Wouldn’t take me long. Minutes. How long does it usually take you?”</p>
<p>Taking the question as an invitation, Garak situated himself over Julian’s left thigh and sat down, then lay so Julian’s thigh was pressing up into Garak’s perineum. Dark-eyed, Garak whispered his reply between purrs: “I’m eager to find out.”</p>
<p>Julian grinned. He glanced at the door, then back, and nodded. “Quick, then. And quiet.”</p>
<p>With a low purr and a dominating look to his downturned gaze, Garak began to grind himself against Julian’s thigh, and Julian threw his head back in a gasp, as the friction of his pyjama fabric was electric against sensitive parts.</p>
<p>“Clothes,” Julian breathed. “Naked.”</p>
<p>Garak obeyed: he knelt up and pulled down his underwear part-way, revealing the plush greys and pinkish tone of his erection, which emerged a little further from his relaxed cloaca. Julian took a moment to stare. Garak had once described Cardassian arousal in theoretical terms, and obviously Julian had looked up reference visuals for Terran lizards in his free time, but seeing it in person was fascinating. His own cock twitched, and he hurried to push down his pyjamas and underwear too, far enough that the bundle passed his knees. He lay back again, thighs open, one propped up so—</p>
<p>“Ah!” Thrills coursed through Julian as the wet heat of Garak’s cloaca pushed onto his uppermost thigh.</p>
<p>Garak squirmed there, giving Julian the darkest look, a tilt of a smile on his lips. “Beautiful, my dear. <i>Auh</i>...”</p>
<p>“Lean forwards and rub,” Julian suggested. “Rub on me. So that you touch here.” He ran his fist along his erection a few times to demonstrate, then let go, so Garak had room to lay there and put pressure where he wanted it. “Hhnnn, yessss.”</p>
<p>Garak got into a rhythm, humping against Julian and pleasuring himself at the same time. Garak’s most sensitive spot appeared to be the underside between his legs, rather than his protruding erection, which he basically ignored in favour of pushing into his own wetness, soft and squishy on Julian’s thigh.</p>
<p>Julian set his hands on Garak’s clothed waist and stroked, then shifted his hands up to guide Garak’s head so they could kiss. He started to kiss Garak’s lips, but swiftly moved to his cheek, then ear, smooching him all over in the way they’d enjoyed for months. Kisses on Garak’s ear ridges drove him into a panting, humping frenzy, and as those kisses rose to his temple, Garak ceased to purr and started to whine.</p>
<p>Kisses to his ridged forehead made him beg under his breath, “O-h-h-uh, my dear, <i>yes</i>. Right there. Like that. Don’t stop. Don’t <i>stop</i>.”</p>
<p>Julian wondered if Garak had felt the same erotic gratification every time his forehead was kissed, but this was the first time he’d expressed it so vocally. Look at him now! <i>Wanting</i>...</p>
<p>In a flare of urgency, Julian gripped Garak hard and flipped him in the bed, so now Garak lay with his legs open and Julian lay over him, suddenly powerful as he began to thrust against him, frotting with their erections aligned. Garak, at first unsettled by his loss of agency, gripped at Julian and looked at him with worry – he even reached to grab the blanket and pulled it to cover their bodies to their shoulders, casting furtive looks towards the sealed curtain door – but... as Julian kissed him, kissed his cheek and ear and held his hand, Garak not only relaxed, but opened his legs wider to invite Julian between them.</p>
<p>Julian was careful about getting there, leaving time for Garak to change his mind. When Garak did not resist, Julian aligned himself tidily between thick grey thighs, never ceasing his other affections even as he settled into a languid frot against Garak’s cloaca. Garak lay his head to the side so Julian could suck on his neck scales, and he moaned through it, hands shaking on Julian’s back.</p>
<p>“Ju’h’lian,” Garak whispered.</p>
<p>“Elim,” Julian answered, hot breath on burning cheek. “How do you want me to touch you, now?”</p>
<p>“Exactly as you are doing, my dear,” Garak uttered, absolutely relaxed in Julian’s care. He paused, then asked quietly, “May I make one request?”</p>
<p>“Anything.”</p>
<p>Garak took a while to reply, cuddling Julian’s back as breaths caught and released on his bony shoulder.</p>
<p>“What is it, Elim?” Julian prompted. “What do you need?”</p>
<p>“C... Can you call me...?”</p>
<p>“Call you...? Say your name?”</p>
<p>“Use the... the... the sweet word... you use for me.”</p>
<p>Julian’s heart melted as he realised. “You want me to call you ‘sweetheart’?” He groaned softly and bent to press his lips to Garak’s ear. “I thought you <i>hated</i> that,” he teased.</p>
<p>“I... I do...” Garak whimpered as Julian glided in natural lubricant and sped his rhythm. “It makes me... <i>irritable</i>...”</p>
<p>Julian cocked his head. “Oh?”</p>
<p>“Doesn’t – suit me – in the least. Sounds – wrong – out of your – <i>mouth</i>.” Garak had closed his eyes, clearly closing in on climax, but allowing himself to stay there, breathless and shaking and gradually tensing up. “Too. <i>Saccharine</i>. Far. Too. Ironic. Yet – you – insist – on— Aauhhh’ah, Julian...”</p>
<p>“How close are you, sweetheart?”</p>
<p>Garak panted. “I— Ah... Hhh—”</p>
<p>Julian felt another small wave of wetness escape Garak and slick his own cock, which continued to throb gorgeously, stimulated by the pebbled texture of scales around Garak’s cloaca.</p>
<p>Garak passed his plateau and started calling out with each breath, head tipped into the pillow, black hair splayed around his head and shifting with each push Julian gave. His open mouth was such a pretty red, and his grey cheeks were getting pinker. He was glowing, fiery in Julian’s touch. Julian himself was slicked with sweat by now, but Garak merely burned.</p>
<p>“Elim,” Julian panted against Garak’s cheek, where sticky skin rubbed together. “<i>Elim</i>, I— Oh, this is amazing.”</p>
<p>“Isn’t it?” Garak chuckled, breathless. “Auh! Julian. Julian.”</p>
<p>“Shhh,” Julian hushed him, stroking a hand down his chest, over his rumpled-up top, then to his belly. “Don’t be too loud, the others might hear.”</p>
<p>Garak wailed, holding Julian’s head with both hands, rocking in the bed to create more friction. “Call me— Say—”</p>
<p>“Sweetheart,” Julian breathed tenderly against Garak’s forehead. “My sweetheart.”</p>
<p>“Mm. Hmm. Auh. Auh. Ah. Ah.” Garak went stock-still and clamped his hands into fists around Julian’s hair, giving a grunt of exertion, then another— His eyes opened, then rose, glistening in desperation... his gaze met Julian’s, and Julian lit up at the sight of him, so pretty with pleasure and looking for connection.</p>
<p>Julian nudged his face closer, beaming as he gave Garak’s nose a kiss. “I love you,” he said. Another kiss. Then a third for his lips. “Love you.”</p>
<p>Garak drew a huge, wispy breath, then... gradually... relaxed.</p>
<p>Weak now, his limbs slipped to the bed, where he lay, exhausted. Julian kept rolling his hips against him autonomously. He was too focused on Garak’s post-orgasmic state, observing how he blushed and sighed and gazed at Julian with such a darling, doe-eyed expression...</p>
<p>Julian had seen that look before, often, but now wondered: how many <i>times</i> had Garak come because of him? How many times had Garak tried to hide his orgasms, just as Julian had? Julian had noticed enough to understand what was happening, but how many had he missed?</p>
<p>Gorging on the thought, Julian offered long, deep, rolling kisses, moaning approving noises at the back of his throat. He caressed Garak’s cheek and moved to pepper kisses all the way down his neck. All the while he kept frotting, like some lustful internal mechanism working by itself.</p>
<p>Then he paused, and rose up, as he felt Garak’s now half-softened erection sloooowly retracting back into his body. Julian set a pair of fingers low between their bodies, wanting to explore. Garak keened and gripped the sheets in fists as Julian’s fingertips met his cloaca, touched heat and wetness, and then fingered at the last remaining centimetre of his ridged length as it disappeared inside the crinkled opening. Julian was dazzled by the feeling. Garak was still gasping, tense, most likely overstimulated but unwilling to end the experience.</p>
<p>Julian stopped touching for Garak’s sake, and leaned down to kiss his lover’s cheek. “Did that satisfy you?” Julian asked, soft.</p>
<p>Garak nodded. His eyes were dewy with tears as Julian knelt back, blanket still over them both for modesty.</p>
<p>Garak croaked, “I... I only wish...”</p>
<p>“Hm?” Julian touched himself tentatively. It embarrassed him to do this while being watched, but Garak was presented in front of him and he’d be mad not make use of the opportunity.</p>
<p>“<i>How</i> I wish I could satisfy you as you have me,” Garak said.</p>
<p>“Oh, you can!” Julian lurched forward, hands in the mattress, making himself a bridge over Garak. “You can touch me.”</p>
<p>“No, my dear,” Garak said, even as he reached up and took a gentle grip on Julian’s erection. “That’s not what I mean.”</p>
<p>Julian frowned. “What <i>do</i> you mean?”</p>
<p>The curtain ripped open and Kira called from outside, “Alright, you’ve slept long enough. Your food’s getting cold. If you’re not out here in three minutes it’s gone.” She dropped the curtain but it caught on itself and remained open, letting in a warm breeze and the mouth-watering smell of eggs and beans and toast.</p>
<p>Julian’s heart rate had sped to a gallop, his breath down to nothing. “Did she see?” he whispered.</p>
<p>Garak held Julian’s waist under the covers, while both of them scanned the area outside through the gap. Bright sun blanked out everything but the shade of the awning across the dust.</p>
<p>“I don’t think she even looked,” Garak replied.</p>
<p>Julian gulped, slowly feeling his heartbeat get back to normal. “I can shut the curtain again without anyone noticing... Or-or-or, maybe we could just...” he looked questioningly down at Garak. “Finish. Like this. Where any of them might see.”</p>
<p>Garak didn’t look eager, which Julian accepted as a no. He shut his eyes and bit his lip, kneeling back into the shelter of the blanket. He glanced up again and saw Garak’s expression had dimmed with disappointment.</p>
<p>Garak shifted around to pull up his clothes. He stiffened with distaste, as he was wet and sticky down there. But as Julian kissed his cheek, he sighed and relaxed.</p>
<p>“What <i>did</i> you mean?” Julian asked him, heart aching. “You could satisfy me a thousand ways, Elim. You have already.”</p>
<p>Garak avoided his eyes. “We’d better hurry; I’m sure you’d rather not get outside and discover that Chief O’Brien has eaten your breakfast.”</p>
<p>He got out of bed, careful to let Julian keep all of the blanket.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>Julian knew the news was coming; he’d known it since the sunlight touched his toes that morning. Part of him wished Miles had waited until after Julian had finished his scrambled egg and beans on toast, but another part wished the announcement had come earlier – before dawn, before he’d gone back to bed; certainly before he’d started something new with Garak that he’d never get the opportunity to finish. All of him wished the truth would never be spoken at all, but there was no chance of such a thing.<p>“The <i>Defiant</i> is ready to beam us up.”</p>
<p>Miles spoke like it was a revelation. Him with his rolled-up uniform sleeves and curly hair and proud smile. Him with his signal scanner and functioning combadge and wife and child at home, waiting. Him, once Julian’s closest friend.</p>
<p>Maybe Julian and Miles would be best friends again. Back on the station, things might fall back to the way they were before. Maybe Julian would get so caught up in his job and Starfleet life that he’d only ever be able to spend lunchtimes with Garak once a week, with the occasional breaktime tea. There were so many other people around, like Miles, who also deserved his time.</p>
<p>But Julian and Garak could spend nights together on the station... that could be enough. It would have to be enough.</p>
<p>“What, nothing to say about that?” Miles chuckled. He knocked Julian’s sandal with the toe of his boot. “You’re finally getting out of here!”</p>
<p>“What?” Julian glanced up, toast still in hand. “Oh. Oh. Yes. Yes, I’m just... mentally packing. Planning what to take and... and leave behind.”</p>
<p>Kira strolled past, catching Julian’s eye. “You all right?”</p>
<p>Julian’s mouth slid open. How upset did he look?</p>
<p>Kira smirked. “You are gonna <i>love</i> having a real sonic shower. Seriously, you look like a wreck.”</p>
<p>Julian glanced down at himself, seeing patched-up shorts and a threadbare t-shirt. “I suppose I do.”</p>
<p>“Jadzia and I can grab samples of the plants,” Miles suggested. “Keiko would love that. That work for you?”</p>
<p>“Oh. Yes, of course.” Julian retreated back to his food, wishing he’d turned it down and reheated leftover eeish instead. Now he might never taste it again...</p>
<p>Jadzia came out of the forest and into view near the turbine, walking with Sisko, each taking readings on their tricorders. Jadzia’s grin became clearer the closer she got, and by the time she made it to the fire, Julian found he had to mirror her smile else it would be obvious he was distraught.</p>
<p>“We can leave within an hour if you’re ready,” Jadzia told him, perching on a log seat. “What do you still need to get together?”</p>
<p>“An hour?” Julian’s smile shattered.</p>
<p>“Or two! Whatever you need. Kind of a big deal, leaving here. Can’t leave anything important behind.”</p>
<p>Julian looked down at his empty plate. His mind had gone blank.</p>
<p>“Julian?”</p>
<p>He looked up.</p>
<p>Jadzia asked, “Do you need our help with anything? What needs doing?”</p>
<p>Julian breathed a few times, holding back a rush of agony and despair. “Um. Um, I need— I...”</p>
<p>He shook his head, eyes moving around the clearing. He saw Garak out in the field, collecting seeds. He’d gone without breakfast, and now Julian knew why. His own stomach was churning.</p>
<p>“I need to talk to Garak.”</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>Bare feet sounded on the wooden storage room floor, pacing back and forth, back and forth. Julian clawed at his hair and sighed roughly, storming from one end of the shed to the other.<p>The door to the outside opened cautiously, and Garak peeked in. He saw Julian was alone and that the metal door to the shuttle was sealed, and so he entered unguarded. He left the wooden door open so there was air flow, and ambient sunlight pouring in from outside.</p>
<p>“Lieutenant Dax informed me you’d like to speak to me,” Garak said, somewhat formally. “Since when did you send messengers in your place?”</p>
<p>“I needed to get away from – people.” Julian flung out an arm. “If I spent another minute being told we have to leave and being asked ‘<i>do I want to pack the bed?</i>’ I’d—” Julian clamped his jaw shut and glared dangerously towards a shelf lined up with dining plates and pottery. “I’d burst into tears, that’s what I’d do. So I told Jadzia I needed to talk to you and I <i>left</i> to be alone.”</p>
<p>“And now you’re <i>no longer</i> alone,” Garak said. “Perhaps me being here defeats your purpose. Would you like me to leave again?”</p>
<p>“You don’t count.” Julian stopped pacing and faced Garak beside the bath. “You’re no effort. You’re no energy to spend time with. You’re— You’re another part of me, Elim, same as this place is. I can’t—” He threw both hands into his own hair and grasped it, violently at a loss. “I can’t get my head around the idea of <i>not</i> being here. Alright, we planned for this, we always <i>intended</i> to leave. But I never...”</p>
<p>He looked at Garak helplessly. “Elim, I never thought we would really leave. I thought— I thought everything we were doing to get back to DS9 was... performative. I thought we were both just trying to prove to each other we cared, didn’t want to trap the other here—”</p>
<p>“The fact is, Doctor, the <i>Defiant</i> is leaving here today.” Garak gave Julian a calm look – kind, if distant. “We are not trapped. We have the choice to leave.”</p>
<p>“Choice!” Julian exploded. “I don’t want to leave this behind! Any of it! The world, the time we’ve had together.” Tears pushed themselves from the corners of his eyes, stinging hot. His voice cracked as he confessed, “I could easily see this being the rest of my life.”</p>
<p>Whatever stoic facade Garak had been trying to maintain faded at once. His gaze softened; his posture softened, and he stepped close to Julian to take his hand. Their eyes met, and at first Garak tried not to keep contact, but then couldn’t help it, and gazed into Julian’s eyes with unrestrained affection, tears in his waterline. His voice came out warm and shaking with truth: “I could easily see you being the rest of mine.”</p>
<p>Julian let his tears fall.</p>
<p>“Elim, what if—” Breath shaking. “What if we stayed?”</p>
<p>Garak hung his head at last. “My dear, you have a life outside of this place. Professional prospects; friends; family; work to do where your talents would be invaluable. Yes, you love this place, but you will love a thousand other places. And you’ll never see any of them unless you leave today.”</p>
<p>“But what about you?” Julian reached to stroke Garak’s upper arm. “You’ve said so many times you don’t have... <i>any</i> of that. I can promise to stay with you and love you until the day we die, Elim, but I can’t promise I’ll ever have as much time as I’ve had for you here. Up there... it might feel like exile for you all over again. It’ll be cold. And lonely. And I <i>hate</i> that.”</p>
<p>“It’s true, I’d rather be exiled here than on Terok Nor...” Garak gulped. “But you cannot stay here for me when there are thousands of souls elsewhere in dire need of your care, Doctor. Any oncoming war may have lulled at present but we cannot trust it won’t ever come. You cannot stay.”</p>
<p>It went unsaid, but Julian was certain he understood: no matter the hardship and discomfort a return to DS9 could bring for him, Garak did not wish to be apart from Julian.</p>
<p>Julian eased close and set a kiss beside Garak’s lips. “I’ll exile myself too,” he whispered.</p>
<p>Garak smiled and held him by his lower back, but shook his head. “I’m grateful for such a display of kindness, my dear, but you know as well as I do that... if and when a war begins... you would regret not being able to help. You need to be there. With your friends. On the space station by the wormhole.”</p>
<p>Julian ached at his core, scowling at Garak’s shoulder. “I knew you for years, Garak, and you only ever lied to me when I wanted the truth. Why do you have to tell the truth now? Why can’t you lie? Why can’t you lie the way you used to?”</p>
<p>Garak caught Julian’s stubbled chin on his fingers and lifted his gaze. “Because,” Garak said, eyes blazing with affection and a sparkle of joy despite his glimmering tears, “you have changed me, my dear. And I like to think it’s for the better. I realise it hurts you, and <i>oh</i>, how it hurts me as well, but there are better reasons to make choices than our own desires. Other people need you more than I do.”</p>
<p>Julian worked up a shaky smile. “Serves me right for being so valuable.”</p>
<p>Garak smiled easily. “Your value is beyond measure.” He kissed Julian’s forehead, then his cheek... then his lips. “To me more than anyone, I suspect.”</p>
<p>“I wish we’d had more time,” Julian breathed. “Another month. Another week. Another <i>day</i>.”</p>
<p>“As do I.” Garak let his chin go. “But we have little over an hour left together. I suggest we make use of it.”</p>
<p>“Let’s finish what we started this morning,” Julian pleaded. “Here. Now. Lock the door and kiss me. Share a bath with me! We never got to do that.”</p>
<p>Garak smiled. “Believe me, I shall forever be doing so in fantasy.” He touched Julian’s arm and tried to guide him to the cargo bay door. He paused to take the suitcase off a shelf, complete with its technological bits and pieces, then glanced over his shoulder. “Come, my dear; let’s pack your things.”</p>
<p>Julian hung back.</p>
<p>
  <i>Your things.</i>
</p>
<p>Not <i>our</i>.</p>
<p>Garak left the storage room and entered the cargo hold, calling back, “Do you want Kukalaka in your luggage or would you like to carry him?”</p>
<p>Julian’s heart had melted into sludge. Garak’s voice echoed in his mind, repeating things that never made complete sense...</p>
<p>
  <i>Regrettably, my dear, I think I might be alone for some time.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Your last night here ought to be as pleasant as possible before you’re doomed to years aboard that dismal space station.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I will need to hurt you one more time. And after that I don’t expect you to forgive me.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I will always be with you, my dear. Please don’t forget that.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I wish I could satisfy you as you have me.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Other people need you more than I do.</i>
</p>
<p>Garak never intended to return to DS9. He’d been pulling away, distancing himself, trying and failing to make the separation process easier for them both.</p>
<p>He’d been saying goodbye for days.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. What Garak Wants to Remember</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Julian sat on the bed, shoulders bowed, watching Garak pack his clothes. Garak folded in mid-air like the retail store clothier that he was, then tucked each item into the suitcase resting open on the messed-up sheets.</p><p>Julian wished he felt numb. He was sure other people would feel numb in a situation like this. But there was a riot inside him... or just outside him. He experienced it, knew it was his own mourning weighing him down, and his own heart in pain, but the sensation floated beyond his body. His thoughts were all wobbly and floaty like he heard them through water, and his vision was equally unstable as he viewed the cabin through a veil of unshed tears.</p><p>There were a hundred questions he could ask, and accusations he could make, but he didn’t have the will to start a fight when he knew he’d already lost.</p><p>He knew why Garak was staying. Garak had no home to go to. He was exiled from his native planet and dubiously welcome on DS9 at best. Not only had he made a home here, but it suited him and had the resources to sustain him.</p><p>He loved Julian, there was no doubt, but even Julian could not fault the other man for being selfish and letting their relationship take second place in his list of priorities. If anything, Garak’s choice to break up with Julian was self<i>less</i>, as it hurt Garak to be apart, but the reasons he gave were altruistic.</p><p>Julian was needed elsewhere. He knew how egotistical it was to remove himself from society, to hide away, to embrace the honesty of being an augment when defaulting to a lie and using his enhancements to support more benevolent causes was what he was truly born for. To stay would be a waste of his father’s sins and a waste of a life.</p><p>Or so he told himself.</p><p>He hardly believed it.</p><p>But there was truth in it. There was truth in everything Garak ever said.</p><p>“Do you want to take one of my tunics?” Garak asked gently, as he took one from the hanger over the bed. He began to fold it. It was the purple one, the one Julian always said looked flattering. “Or would you rather forget me?”</p><p>Julian let his tears fall, and said nothing.</p><p>Garak tucked the tunic into the case, and also said nothing.</p><p>There was so little to pack, in the end. All of Julian’s belongings were either still useful to Garak if he remained here, or they were so worn out that they took up half the space they once did.</p><p>Garak took a breath to speak, but then didn’t.</p><p>He closed the case and locked it. “All our recordings have been uploaded to the <i>Defiant</i>.”</p><p>Julian looked away. He didn’t know what he felt, but it hurt. Hot and cold at once, lashing high and drowning low. Yet, as Garak’s warm hand curled around his on his lap, everything faded, and quiet took over him. Serenity settled, if only for a moment.</p><p>“You’ve been such a good friend,” Garak said gently. He stroked his thumb into Julian’s upturned palm. “I’m going to miss our time together.”</p><p>Julian looked up, trying to hold steady. “I’m sure we’ll see each other again.”</p><p>Garak smiled, head tilted in a hopeful, yet pitying way. “I’d like to think so,” he agreed. “But one... can never say. We live... in uncertain times.”</p><p>He let Julian’s hand fall to his lap, and backed away without turning.</p><p>Then he turned, and left the shuttle with the suitcase.</p><p>Julian’s head fell into his hands and he wept. Wept for his loss and the <i>anger</i> it caused, hating that Garak spun it all in a way that made staying the wrong choice for Julian, a cruel choice, no matter how badly he wanted it, no matter how much of a shadow he’d carry with him from here on out. Garak was permitted to abandon his post, as he’d never been expected to stay. Julian was meant to be the good one.</p><p>This time the feelings came from within his own body. Boiling. Clawing. Tearing from the inside.</p><p>Barely a minute passed before the curtain swept open again. Julian looked up in relief, only for his hope to collapse when the person who’d entered was Kira.</p><p>“I’m interrupting,” she realised, hesitating in the doorway. She glanced outside, then back in. “I came to fetch your mattress and whatever else was left.”</p><p>“No need,” Julian shuddered. “He’s staying.”</p><p>“Garak?”</p><p>Julian nodded, sniffling horribly.</p><p>Kira was quiet for a while.</p><p>Then she sealed the door, and moved to sit beside Julian. She merely sat with him, keeping him company as he cried.</p><p>Her presence was not as non-judgemental as Jadzia’s would have been – Julian sensed she was thinking over the connection he’d made to Garak during this time, and reframing it as something closer and more intimate than two familiar souls stranded alone – but she did him the courtesy of not prying just yet.</p><p>She found Julian’s holo-imager on the shelf nearest the bed, and took it into her hands...</p><p>Julian peeked between his fingers to see the blue light as Kira watched back the first few recordings, projected up into the air.</p><p>He sniffed and wiped his tears as Kira watched the recordings of a Human doctor and a Cardassian tailor enjoying their fire.</p><p>Julian managed a smile as Kira made her way through silly everyday scenes, special moments, a haircut, all these captures of laughter and a brightness in Garak’s eyes that Julian couldn’t help but feel himself while watching.</p><p>Kira watched the one where Garak leaned in... and kissed Julian’s cheek.</p><p>Then she watched it again.</p><p>Julian’s eyes skipped to her, trying to see what she thought. But she offered no readable expression. Instead she glanced over, saw he was looking, and angled the projection so he could watch unimpeded by her arm.</p><p>They reached the recording Garak had made. Caring fingertips, tucking hair behind the sleeping Julian’s ear. A loving smile.</p><p>Kira moved to set aside the camera, but Julian reached out and took it.</p><p>“There’s more,” Julian said, hearing the weight of recent tears in his voice. “At least... I think there’s...”</p><p>There was one more.</p><p>In it: Garak turned on the camera with a hopeful look – then cast a glance elsewhere. He moved, and put the camera down...</p><p>...On the bed. The view framed Julian’s back and shoulders, all bare, hair curled and a mess. Garak’s shadow shifted over Julian, and one hand stroked across his shoulders... fingertips sweet, palm tender.</p><p>The Julian in the holo-image shifted, waking up and stretching in place. Garak leaned down, close to his neck, and placed a kiss on Julian’s skin.</p><p>Watching this, Julian’s heart fluttered. He remembered being woken this way twenty times, so couldn’t yet place which time this was. He’d never noticed a camera...</p><p>Garak kissed his neck, nosing at him, nuzzling.</p><p>Julian rolled in the bed, and the camera jumped a few times, but steadied at a lopsided angle...</p><p>This Julian was smiling wonderfully, gazing up into Garak’s eyes. Garak dipped back into frame and lay a kiss on Julian’s nose.</p><p>Both Julians smiled.</p><p>Garak kissed Julian’s cheek, once, twice, three times. His eyes shot to the camera, and while the recorded Julian couldn't see, Garak reached to adjust the camera so it was straight.</p><p>Garak then returned to kissing: neck, shoulder blade, throat.</p><p>Julian tilted his head back to allow Garak access.</p><p>Kira seemed wary now, eyes darting to the present Julian, expecting him to end the playback or ask her to leave. But Julian caught her eyes and shook his head. She relaxed somewhat and kept watching.</p><p>Garak kissed his way up to Julian’s temple... then moved to his forehead.</p><p>Kira’s eyebrows shot up. “Do you know that— For Cardassians the forehead is—”</p><p>“Yes,” Julian answered. “I know.”</p><p>Kira went quiet immediately.</p><p>Past Garak and Julian rolled over in the bed together, laughing, caught up in each other. Once Garak was on his back, Julian bowed to mouth at his forehead, breathing there, then... kissing... softly.</p><p>Garak shut his eyes, at peace. He smiled like the happiest man to ever live.</p><p>He turned his head to look at the camera, and while Julian was busy kissing his neck, he reached out and ended the recording.</p><p>The air over the holo-imager seemed to flash yellow in the absence of blue light. Julian felt like he’d been watching in full colour, re-living the moment as if it were as real and present as Kira sitting beside him.</p><p>Kira swallowed. “Can I ask you something? About you and Garak. It’s private. You don’t need to answer, but I won’t tell anyone what you say, if you do.”</p><p>Julian nodded, peering down at the idle holo-imager. He craved a personal question so that he could shout the answer. Yes, they were lovers! Yes, they were happy together. Yes, it was sexual, and yes, they still cared for each other. Yes—</p><p>“Did you ever kiss on the lips?”</p><p>Julian looked at her with a confused smile. He liked the question, but it seemed odd she would ask something so specific. “Mm-hm.”</p><p>Kira frowned. “Then... why is he staying?”</p><p>Julian found that jarring. “Well, he decided to. It’s what he needs. I can’t say I like it, because I don’t, but that’s more because I have to leave than because he’s staying. If one of us can stay here and be happy, I’ll take it.”</p><p>Kira didn’t seem to understand. “Didn’t he tell you?”</p><p>“I figured it out a few minutes ago. If I’m honest, though... I knew. I knew he intended to stay, but I didn’t want to think about it and give that instinct any grip. I hoped I was wrong.”</p><p>“Oh... no, I mean the kiss. He didn’t tell you what it means.”</p><p>“What? A kiss on the lips? What does that mean?”</p><p>Kira shook her head. “No. No, if he didn’t tell you then I’m not going to. Maybe it meant something else to you.”</p><p>“It... meant...” Julian shrugged. “It was something passionate. I could see he wanted to. He wanted to kiss me like that. But he wasn’t <i>doing</i> it. Eventually I just asked him... what are you waiting for? And he...” Julian looked away, and exhaled. He smiled, and finally let his eyes return to Kira’s. “He kissed me.”</p><p>Kira pressed her lips together. “And he didn’t tell you.”</p><p>“Tell me <i>what</i>?”</p><p>Kira turned her head like she was going to say no again, but then frustration overtook her and she said quietly but with force: “It’s a life bond. Or an offer for one, at least. But its meaning varies between Cardassians as much as, say, I don’t know, <i>dancing</i> does for Humans. Style and context changes everything. I’ve known Cardassians who’ll kiss anyone they’d like to take to bed. For others it’s...” she checked Julian’s expression, saw his open and eager interest, and smiled as she finished, “something done between a couple at weddings.”</p><p>Julian shut his eyes and tipped his head back. He sighed.</p><p>“What?” Kira asked.</p><p>“Besides myself, I’ve never known a man so keen on self-improvement,” Julian said bitterly. “We promised once that we didn’t want to trap each other here against our will, and since then <i>Garak</i> has done his utmost to prove he meant that.”</p><p>“Now he wants you to leave?” Kira pried.</p><p>“He’s giving me the choice.” Julian palmed his hair back. “Not much of a choice, though, is it?”</p><p>Kira shrugged. “Maybe you can come back and visit him.”</p><p>Julian’s eyes shot to her.</p><p>Oh.</p><p>To her, leaving was the obvious choice. Leaving, despite what he had with Garak, was the only sensible option. For a moment he’d thought... he needed to stay...</p><p>His last hope deflated.</p><p>Chances were, he wasn’t thinking clearly. He’d been lost in his own world for too long, disengaged from reality. He knew what he wanted, but Kira knew what everyone else needed.</p><p>This was not a decision he could make alone, as he was not the only person affected. There might be thousands of lives at stake some time in the coming future, lives he needed to save.</p><p>Garak had made his choice. If he’d failed to tell Julian how much that kiss meant, and instead encouraged him to leave, then that was part of his choice.</p><p>So, now, Julian made his own.</p><div class="center">
  <p> <br/>★<br/> <br/></p>
</div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. We’ll Be Home Soon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There had been times when Julian entertained daydreams of being collected from here. He and Garak would stand in the centre of the clearing, as Julian did now with his friends. They’d look upon their shuttle home, empty of all their belongings. They’d bring Garak’s potted plant, and all the clay plates and bowls and the pitcher Garak had taught Julian how to make. They’d take the curtain, planning to hang it as a tapestry on the wall of their shared quarters back on DS9.</p><p>It was a fantasy that nearly always left Julian in tears, empathising with another version of himself. He only returned to that daydream thinking that it would prepare him for if that situation ever came to pass.</p><p>He and Garak. Standing in the clearing. Holding hands.</p><p>They were always together.</p><p>Never, not once, had Julian imagined that he would be leaving alone.</p><p>The only thing held in his hand now was his robin’s-egg-blue suitcase. Garak was nowhere to be seen.</p><p>Nothing about this felt right. He was leaving behind everything he felt was important, anything he really did want to keep. The handmade pottery was staying. The turbine was still running because Garak would still need the power supply. The decorated silver curtain still hung in the shuttle’s doorway.</p><p>And he was leaving behind the only thing that really mattered.</p><p>Miles sauntered close, nodding. He snapped his tricorder shut. “All clear. Should be good for a beam-out whenever. Everyone got everything?”</p><p>“I’m all set,” Jadzia said. “Look, I picked up this rock that looks like a cat face. Think Molly’ll like it?”</p><p>Kira laughed. “She will <i>love</i> that. And yeah – I’ve got everything.”</p><p>Captain Sisko confirmed, “Unless there’s anything Dr. Bashir has forgotten, I think... ah. Sisko to Nog. Lock on to our comm-signals. Four to beam up. Don’t forget the tent crates.”</p><p>Julian shut his eyes and turned his face away, letting his tears fall so nobody else would see.</p><p>“Have you got Kukalaka?” Jadzia joked, nudging Julian’s side.</p><p>Julian’s insides felt like they were collapsing in on themselves. “I – hshh-h—” He gulped hard. “I – h-h-h... left him tucked in the bed for Elim. S-So he’ll remember me.”</p><p>The group went quiet.</p><p>“<i>Nog to Sisko. Locked on. Ready to beam out.</i>”</p><p>“Belay that, Lieutenant. Stand by.”</p><p>Julian startled, looking at his captain. “I— Wh—?”</p><p>His friends peered back at him in concern.</p><p>Miles reached out and touched Julian’s arm. “It’ll be fine, Julian. We’ll all be home soon.”</p><p>Julian gave Miles a blank look. “Home.” He tensed his jaw and rolled his eyes away. “Yeah.”</p><p>“Do you need a few minutes?” Kira asked.</p><p>“No.” Julian shook his head. “Just get it over with.” He slapped his combadge. “Bashir to <i>Defiant</i>, four to beam up.”</p><p>Nog chirped, “<i>Oh, hi, Dr. Bashir! Uh. Locked on. Do I beam you up now?</i>”</p><p>Sisko gave Julian one more look, then nodded. “Energise.”</p><p>“WAIT!” Julian jumped away from the group. He looked back, heart pounding, brain trying to catch up with his instincts. “I— I don’t—” He looked around. “I need to say goodbye. I need to say goodbye.”</p><p>“<i>Uhhh. Hang on, am I beaming you up or not?</i>”</p><p>“Not yet, Nog,” Jadzia said towards Sisko’s combadge.</p><p>“<i>Jeez.</i>”</p><p>“Patience, kid,” Kira assured him.</p><p>Julian handed Miles his suitcase to free up his hands, then hastily wiped his tears, fingers swiped a few times across his cheeks. “I— I don’t know where he is. He’s not inside.”</p><p>Julian watched as all four of his friends pulled out their tricorders and began scanning for Garak. Julian burst out laughing.</p><p>Miles and Kira gave him an odd look.</p><p>“What’s so funny all of a sudden?” Miles asked.</p><p>Julian bit his lip, grinning. “I saw you all reach for your <i>advanced technology</i> and my immediate thought was that... it’s so primitive. And it is, isn’t it? Look at you all, relying on your screens...”</p><p>He took a refreshing breath and let his eyes roam across the lilac sky and to the forest on the left. “There are easier ways to know things...”</p><p>He stepped away and began to walk.</p><p>“We’ll wait for you!” Jadzia called.</p><p>Kira uttered, her voice only just audible as Julian got farther away, “We are <i>definitely</i> not getting back before the weekend.”</p><p>The path through the forest to the pond was well-trodden, paler where Garak and Julian walked most often. Julian didn’t know for certain that this was the way Garak had gone, but his instinct was better than any tricorder, in this case..</p><p>Although the dread of needing to return to the clearing lingered, there remained a sense of relief: sparkles danced in his upper torso and head because he didn’t need to leave <i>yet</i>.</p><p>Heart full of anticipation, he clambered up the the pond’s outer bank. He stood on its peak, hand on his favourite old tree, where a familiar little blue lizard saw him and scuttled away.</p><p>There Garak sat hugging his legs, on a thick root which jutted out from the slope. </p><p>Julian took off his boots and walked down to him through fluttering lilac grass, barefoot.</p><p>He sat with him and hugged his knees too.</p><p>Garak looked at him unsurely. “I thought you’d have left by now.”</p><p>Julian heard it in Garak’s voice, and confirmed when he saw the redness under Garak’s eyes: he’d been crying too.</p><p>“Did you ever have any intention of leaving?” Julian asked Garak, softly. He searched his eyes, looking for any unspoken answers.</p><p>“For the first week or two, yes,” Garak said. “But then I found I enjoyed bathing here. And all at once I wanted for nothing. Except for, perhaps...”</p><p>“My ‘enjoyable company’?” Julian smiled.</p><p>Garak chuckled, mouth closed. His eyes twinkled. “In the time we had, my dear, I’ve never had company <i>more</i> enjoyable.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t planning to leave?”</p><p>“Because if you knew, you would have stayed. By the time I was <i>sure</i> this was the only place in existence I wanted to be, I’d already realised how devoted you’d become to me. And I’d already made that mistake: I tried to keep you here. Of course I knew how cruel that would be. But if you were ever to stay, it needed to be your choice and your choice alone. Uninfluenced by me. I would not sway you with... with my feelings for you, or my own desires. That’s why I said nothing of the true depth of my affections.”</p><p>“That’s why you never told me what it means...”</p><p>“What what means?”</p><p>Julian smiled a sideways smile. “This.” He leaned in and touched his lips to Garak’s, then pulled back a short way to see his reaction.</p><p>Garak simply stared.</p><p>“You know,” Julian said conversationally, sitting side-by-side with Garak again, overlooking the sun-glazed pond, “I’m a little bit insulted, to be honest. You and I are apparently in love but you’d still choose this place over a lifetime with me.”</p><p>Garak smiled down at his lap. “You exist here, my dear. I could not mourn for you when you’re in every corner of this world. You shaped this land into what it is, just as much as you’ve shaped me. This... is my home. It’s my home. The only home in which I’ve been entirely welcome. To leave it... as I’ve said... would be like dying.</p><p>“Even knowing I will be without your warmth and comfort every night and day... even <i>knowing</i> that you and I will never be able to finish what we started this morning... I’m staying. You have to leave without me. You’re needed and I am not. And I cannot come with you. But know...” Garak touched the back of his hand to Julian’s, then slipped their palms together, “that I will never forget you, or cease to feel the way I do for you. It would be impossible.”</p><p>Julian bowed his head and sighed deeply. He thought about his friends waiting for him back at the camp, and decided... well, they could wait a bit longer.</p><p>“Elim?”</p><p>“Hmm?”</p><p>Julian caught his eyes, making sure Garak saw he was smiling – an easygoing smile, not a strained one. “Can I ask you something if you swear to answer truthfully?”</p><p>Garak looked annoyed. “May I reserve the right to lie if that serves me better?”</p><p>Julian rolled his eyes. “It’s a yes-no question. You can’t really go wrong.”</p><p>Garak sighed dramatically. “Fine.”</p><p>Julian swallowed, wiping his sweating palms on the knees of his wrinkled-crepe trousers. He re-gripped Garak’s hand after. “Um. Are you— D-Do you—”</p><p>Garak waited, a curious smile in his eyes.</p><p>Julian leaned into him and pushed him back with a kiss on the lips, surging into it, needing to work up the courage. Garak, at first surprised, soon relaxed, and cradled Julian’s upper arms, head tilted for more kisses.</p><p>Between kisses and mingled breaths, Julian let the question rush from him in a thick-voiced murmur. “Are you mine?”</p><p>Garak broke the kiss, but slowly took hold of Julian’s bearded jaw, eyes darting back and forth between his eyes. “Yours?”</p><p>“Mine,” Julian repeated, hot lips dragging Garak’s. “My lover, in body, in mind. A match for you, a mate for you. Bonded. The two of us.” He offered another kiss, hands in Garak’s hair. A fiercer rasp: “<i>Mine</i>.”</p><p>Garak started nodding. “Yes.” There was a desperate look in his eyes as he met Julian’s gaze. “I am yours. Every breath I take, my dear, I will be yours.”</p><p>Julian nosed in for another kiss, but stopped short. He held Garak’s face under his ears and asked, hopefully, “Do you love me? <i>Will</i> you love me?”</p><p>“You know the answer.”</p><p>“Say it to me.”</p><p>“Yes.” Garak’s smile began to quake. “<i>Yes</i>, Julian. I do and I will.”</p><p>Julian swallowed, hearing only his own heartbeat now. Garak’s breath shuddered upon his lips and they stole another kiss.</p><p>“Ask me,” Garak whispered into their embrace. “The third question; ask me.”</p><p>“Will you touch me?”</p><p>Realisation struck Julian: he hadn’t yet climaxed at Garak’s hand, at least not intentionally. Julian had only been allowed to make Garak climax after Garak made a one-sided vow, and their intimacies therefore remained incomplete. Julian wondered if that was by Garak’s design. He elaborated on his specific plea: “Elim – will you keep me warm every night? Kiss me – a thousand ways.” He clutched Garak’s hand tighter. “Keep me close.”</p><p>Garak shut his eyes and lowered his head. “If circumstances would ever allow, yes.”</p><p>Julian had expected that non-answer. So he rephrased: “Then, will you stay with me? Be my companion. Wherever I go.”</p><p>“Julian—”</p><p>“Even if the war comes to us. Wherever we happen to be.”</p><p>Garak met his eyes, calculating his meaning.</p><p>“Will you stand by me?” Julian asked. “And hold me steady. Because I will for you. I <i>will</i> for you. Whatever happens.”</p><p>Garak was wary; he couldn’t be sure whether agreeing would mean he’d have to leave with Julian. And that was Julian’s intention. He needed Garak not to be sure.</p><p>“Will you stay with me?” Julian asked one more time.</p><p>And there he left a silence. He waited for Garak to fill it.</p><p>Garak looked out at the shining waters and the eeish occasionally breaking the surface. He looked up into the trees, at the hushing leaves whispering promises of safety and sweetness. He looked down to Julian’s bare feet, toes in the grass.</p><p>And he looked at Julian, with fear and determination in balance in his eyes. “Yes,” he said. “I will stay with you.”</p><p>Euphoria burst through Julian, and he let out a laugh. In a rush he swept Garak into a kiss, and smothered him breathless. He pulled away, still gripping Garak’s cheeks. Garak beamed at him, dewy-eyed.</p><p>After one last peck to Garak’s nose, Julian got to his feet and stepped away.</p><p>“Where are you going?” Garak asked. “My dear—” He got to his knees in panic. “My dear, I’m not ready to go! Give me a few hours, <i>please</i>!”</p><p>Julian looked back, startled. “Oh, I’m not going anywhere yet. I just need to... Hang on.”</p><p>He stood atop the ridge of the pond, and tapped his combage. “Bashir to Sisko.”</p><p>A beat...</p><p>Then: “<i>Sisko here.</i>”</p><p>Julian’s heart flipped in his chest. “Captain, can I put in a request? It’s a bit of an uncustomary one.”</p><p>“<i>Let’s hear it, Doctor.</i>”</p><p>Julian glanced at Garak, who stood by the tree, watching Julian worriedly, as though he would beam out at any moment.</p><p>“Could you beam down medical supplies? Communication devices. A generator. Ummm... a replicator? A full-size one. You might need to pick that up from somewhere and come back.”</p><p>“<i>Dare I ask what’s prompted this shopping list?</i>”</p><p>Julian grimaced at the ground and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, Garak’s staying indefinitely, sir. I just want to make things easier for him.”</p><p>Garak visibly relaxed, but then worried again, mouth opened as if to ask what Julian planned to do himself.</p><p>“Sir...” Julian swallowed, “Or Jadzia. How strategically placed is this planet in relation to the wormhole? Say if there was a war around those parts. Could this be... some sort of... safe haven?”</p><p>There came a long... <i>long</i> silence.</p><p>Finally Jadzia replied: “<i>The only better place would be Risa.</i>”</p><p>Julian smiled. He turned his eyes to Garak, who now looked stoic.</p><p>Garak gave a nod. He’d play host to any refugees. He wasn’t one to run away. He’d find some way to help a war effort, and now Julian had provided the solution. The idea of a shelter planet had come up a few times in conversation over the months, but now it made sense to suggest.</p><p>“And—” Julian hesitated, then realised he had no reason to hesitate. “Captain?”</p><p>“<i>I’m listening, Doctor.</i>”</p><p>Julian drew a deep breath, then released it.</p><p>“I’m staying.”</p><p>Garak flopped back against the tree, then sank down to sit at the roots. He shut his eyes in relief, fingers to his mouth, head turned.</p><p>Although he stood tall and proud, Julian felt the same way in spirit. Now the words were said, he felt free. Even so, he expected resistance – some word of complaint, an argument. But all that came following the silence was Miles’ voice.</p><p>“<i>Where are you? We’ve gotta... come say... say goodbye.</i>”</p><p>Julian’s skin prickled with delightful shock. There was no surprise in his friend’s tone. Not even resignation. Only understanding.</p><p>“No,” Julian whispered. He shook his head. “Miles, I’m not saying goodbye. Because you’re coming back. All of you, you’re coming back. <i>With</i> the things I ordered, please. And your family! Elim and I want to meet Kirayoshi.”</p><p>Miles harrumphed in amusement. “<i>You know what? Keiko would love a visit...</i>”</p><p>Sisko laughed. “<i>I’ll see what I can do about your requests, Doctor. Sisko out.</i>”</p><p>Julian gasped and almost started another communication. He didn’t want to say goodbye but he didn’t expect it to be <i>that</i> abrupt! But he let it go. He meant what he’d said: this wasn’t a farewell of any sort.</p><p>“Well, that’s them gone,” Julian uttered, trying to ignore his guilty feeling. He climbed back down to sit with Garak in a patch of sun. “But then there’s you and me...”</p><p>He looked over, and saw Garak smiling back.</p><p>As one, they shouted for joy and flung their arms around each other. Garak overpowered Julian and rolled him back into the grass, rolling and rolling along the sloped bank. Julian finally pinned Garak on his back, then lay with him, laughing, foreheads together. They celebrated with a kiss until Julian flopped to rest beside Garak, head on Garak’s outstretched arm like it was a pillow.</p><p>A breeze tiptoed warm against their skin, carrying grass seeds with it, before sweeping them away again. Julian summoned a rush of air into his lungs and felt the heat of it, and tasted the flavour of their world within.</p><p>“What do we call this place?” Julian asked in a murmur. “What do we call this place now we’re staying?”</p><p>Garak was quiet for a while, thinking. One hand toyed with Julian’s hair, fingertips scooping through his curls and behind his ear.</p><p>Eventually Garak asked, “What do you call it in your mind?”</p><p>Julian had to think. “I don’t. I don’t call it anything. It’s just our place. Our planet. The field, the pond, the sky. Earth is named Earth because it’s... made of earth. What’s this place made of? What do you call it in your mind?”</p><p>Garak was about to answer when footsteps sounded from the forest.</p><p>Julian lifted his torso, and then so did Garak when Sisko appeared on the rim of their sanctuary.</p><p>“Captain,” Julian said in surprise. He hurried to his feet and swiped grass off himself. “I thought you left.”</p><p>He hastened to meet Sisko on the flat part of the ridge, nearest the tree. Sisko wore a grim smile, but there was no denying the spark of gladness in his eyes. Julian stood before him, expecting a stern word of reprimand for making all the choices he’d made...</p><p>“So, is this for real?” Sisko asked him. “You’d rather stay.”</p><p>Julian’s eyes shot to Garak, then back. He nodded. “Yes sir. Very much, sir.”</p><p>Sisko sighed, shoulders lowering inside his uniform. His eyes flicked to the sky, then to Julian.</p><p>“Sir,” Julian said tentatively. “If something <i>does</i> happen... A war... or anything, really... If you ever need me, or Garak; if you need a medical base and a good doctor; if you need a sanctuary planet, a shelter, a place to stockpile resources, any place where someone can be off the radar and <i>untraceable</i>... well, I think we’ve got you covered. Or the clouds have, at least.”</p><p>Sisko smiled and reached to pat left Julian’s bicep. “Could make a decent vacation spot, too.”</p><p>Julian chuckled. “You’re not wrong.”</p><p>Sisko held out his right hand for a handshake, and Julian took it.</p><p>Sisko spoke gently: “Dr. Julian Subatoi Bashir, Chief Medical Officer of Federation Starbase Deep Space Nine: I hereby relieve you of duty.”</p><p>Julian’s mouth slipped open. “Sir—”</p><p>“...Until such time as you are needed.” Sisko shook his hand firmly, then looked to Garak and nodded. He looked back to Julian. “Needed by <i>Starfleet</i>, I might add.”</p><p>Julian blushed. “Thank you, sir.”</p><p>Sisko gave Julian another pat, and finally let go of his hand.</p><p>He stepped back. “Sisko to <i>Defiant</i>. One to beam up.” He gave one last smile to Julian, and Julian smirked back. “Energise.”</p><p>Lights swirled around Captain Sisko, and the air sizzled and rang with that indefinable whirring sound...</p><p>The spot where he once stood was empty. The forest heaved and hushed as it always did.</p><p>Julian drew in a deep, deep breath. When he let it go, he turned to Garak, who waited on the bank for him.</p><p>Bare feet paced forward in the grass, angled along the slope. A hand went down to the cool, soft tufts, followed by the rest of him.</p><p>He sat.</p><p>He looked out at their world.</p><p>“You know what, Elim?”</p><p>“Hmm.”</p><p>Julian slid a hand across to Garak’s thigh, and Garak took it, linking their fingers together and holding on.</p><p>“Let’s just call it ‘home’.”</p><div class="center">
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Epilogue of English Lavender</h2></a>
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    <p>“What was it you once said?” Garak swirled his golden wine around his glass, eyes roaming the roof beams as he thought back. “Perhaps you’d ‘have time’ to read that adventure novel I gave you.”</p><p>Julian threw his head back laughing, then slumped forward again over the table. He could feel the heat of flames atop the tapered candles on his cheeks, adding to the warmth that came from good company, a good meal, and the decent space heater placed in their storage room.</p><p>Julian replied, “I think I remember <i>you</i> saying your ideal getaway would include more baths. Aaaaaaand candlelit dinners?”</p><p>“Ah!” Garak’s eyes opened wide and his hands widened to indicate the decorated table. “That explains it!”</p><p>“I thought I’d treat you,” Julian shrugged.</p><p>“And what an excellent job you did, my dear. Replicated it all by yourself.”</p><p>Julian grinned. “Well, look, I made the table, the plates, and the wine, <i>and</i> flavoured the food with homegrown spices, so if Starfleet ever sends us chickens, maybe someday I’ll figure out how to make a roast dinner from scratch.”</p><p>Garak hum-hummed a laugh and tucked his knife and fork back into his food, cutting up the last pieces of his kumara and swiping one through gravy.</p><p>With loving eyes Julian watched him, cheek rested on a hand. Quietly, he remarked, “There was one other thing I said, the day we landed here. Do you remember?”</p><p>“I recall you saying we’d be out of here in two weeks.”</p><p>Julian chuckled. “That too. But, I said... I wanted to fall in love.”</p><p>“Oh?” Garak ate his last mouthful, trying to act careless but was obviously intrigued.</p><p>Julian beamed at his companion. “<i>III wasn’t loookiiiing... But somehow you fooooound meee...</i>”</p><p>Garak almost choked on his food as he laughed. But he swallowed successfully and washed his coughs down with wine. He surfaced from his disturbance shiny-eyed and smiling, and looked at Julian with fond despair. “You’ve learned many a thing here, my dear, but how to sing is not one of them.”</p><p>“I’m going to disagree with you on that,” Julian said. “Wholeheartedly.”</p><p>Garak patted his mouth with the end of his napkin, then pulled the napkin out of his collar to place it on the tablecloth. “You do <i>like</i> to disagree, don’t you?”</p><p>“Only on things that don’t matter,” Julian promised.</p><p>Garak purred softly. “Might we continue our disagreement in bed?”</p><p>“Hee!” Julian ducked his head to soften his display of glee. “Actually, I— I made... plans. For us. Tonight. <i>Not</i> in bed.”</p><p>Garak’s eye-ridges rose. “Oh? What manner of plans might those be?”</p><p>Julian cleared his throat, reaching to nudge the fork that rested on the edge of his empty plate. “I know we’re tired after – what was it? – three treehouses?”</p><p>“Three and a half,” Garak corrected. “I count the rope bridges.”</p><p>“But we’re spending so much time <i>building</i> and turning Swamptree Jungle into Swamptree City, preparing to maybe play hostel for a bunch of people someday, so when we wind down it’s always... in bed... and... and we’re exhausted, and we haven’t actually... um... had a chance to...”</p><p>Garak leaned in with his elbows on the table, gaze intent, a smile on his lips. He waited for Julian to say what he was going to say.</p><p>Julian cocked his head to the side, breathless, wanting. “Share a bath with me?”</p><p>Garak’s mouth opened in surprise. “Oh.”</p><p>“You did say you missed bubble baths.”</p><p>“I did.” Garak chuckled, nodding. “Forgive me, I— I thought you were going to ask me to join you in enjoying something else.”</p><p>“I mean, we could have sex in the bath if you want.”</p><p>Garak laughed, eyes bright. He gave Julian a slow blink and a small nod. “Indeed we could.”</p><p>Julian sucked his lower lip wet, then slowly stood up. He gestured to the wooden bath, which was barely three metres away. “Whenever you’re ready, Elim.”</p><p>Garak’s purr returned, slow and quiet. He stood from the table too, but rather than take Julian’s hand, he said, “Would you mind if I take a few minutes to refresh myself in private? I’ll be back.”</p><p>“Oh, go-go! Go on. I’ll be here.”</p><p>Garak touched Julian’s lower back and kissed his cheek. “Two minutes.”</p><p>Julian watched him leave, heart aflutter. “Two minutes.”</p>
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</div>Garak stood in the darkness of the cargo hold, taking careful breaths. He knew it barely made a difference; they’d been sleeping in the same bed for months, and they’d pleasured each other unintentionally and, in Julian’s case, intentionally. They’d made their vows, and had dutifully memorised where the other liked to be touched, and how. There was nothing to be afraid of.<p>Perhaps this was not fear. Perhaps it was anticipation.</p><p>Yet, Garak hadn’t been this nervous about anything for a very long time.</p><p>He touched the door to the storage room, aware he’d have to push it open eventually. It would be easy once they started...</p><p>Deciding that it may as well look like he’d been doing something important out here besides visiting the bathroom, Garak undressed where he stood, pulling off his cotton top and dropping it to the carpet. In just his underwear now, he took a deep, bracing breath, and eased open the door.</p><p>He hadn’t even envisioned how Julian would use the same minutes. The storage room, where once were two candles on the table, now glowed with a dozen small flames upon a dozen various wicks, on the table, on the floor, on stools around the bath. The warm-toned lanterns were lit, casting interlocking stripes of gold across the bare floorboards.</p><p>Now in his underwear, Julian leaned over the steaming bath, which was half full. He looked up and saw Garak, grinned, and reached to turn off the faucet. Water from the roof tank ceased to gush down from the pipe above the bath, and the water settled, sloshing gently under a thick piling of white foam.</p><p>“Are you all right?” Julian asked.</p><p>Garak realised he was hovering by the door, tense.</p><p>“I’m simply wonderful, my dear.” He finally closed the door to the shuttle and moved forward, meeting Julian by the bath. “Ahh... This room smells delectable. Or is that just you?”</p><p>Julian hummed a laugh, slinging both wiry arms around Garak’s waist and easing in to kiss his neck ridges on the left. “English lavender...”</p><p>“Oh, so it <i>is</i> you,” Garak teased, glad to make Julian laugh.</p><p>The sound and feel of Julian’s wet kisses under Garak’s ear went a long way to soothing his nerves, and soon the lavender ‘worked its magic’ too, as Julian might say. Garak purred gently against his lover’s bare shoulder, pushing kisses there while Julian fiddled with Garak’s underwear, untying the waistband and loosening it until the britches fell – warm and useless upon his feet.</p><p>Julian reached to touch Garak’s chest, curious and smiling – then hurried to make himself naked too, leaving his boxers in a rumpled pile on the floorboards.</p><p>Julian rushed in for another round of kisses, this time on the underside of Garak’s chin. Garak tipped his head back, unspeakably vulnerable with this man nipping at his throat...</p><p>How deeply he trusted...</p><p>He’d never quite been able to believe it.</p><p>“Come on,” Julian whispered. “Before the water gets cold.”</p><p>He leaned back, and Garak saw Julian’s eyes half-hooded, with a burgeoning flush of lust on his cheeks. He took Garak by the hand and offered him the first step into the bath. Garak climbed in and sat, every sense glorified by the all-consuming <i>heat</i> of the water, how it rose to cover his chest like a lover’s embrace.</p><p>And then came an even better thing: Julian climbed into the bath too, grinning, all long legs and half-hard erection and pretty, pretty brown skin made bronze in the candlelight. He sloshed the water and made hissing, tickling bubbles rise to Garak’s shoulders as he sat opposite.</p><p><i>Dark</i>, hungry eyes. Plush lips, wet with saliva.</p><p>Julian leaned forward in the bath and swam, slithering up Garak’s front, wanting to be closer. Garak held him at once and Julian sighed, releasing a soft moan of contentment.</p><p>So they lay back, cuddling.</p><p>Garak had built the bath with a comfortable experience in mind, so the base was not as flat as the washing tub’s, but had a long slope to the edge. He praised his foresight more than ever: not only did the slant support his back, but Julian’s as well once he plopped his body over Garak’s, legs parted over his lap. Julian could not kneel as there was nowhere for his legs, so he <i>lay</i> forward, bare arousal pressed to Garak’s belly.</p><p>“May I?” Garak asked, taking Julian gently behind his head. Julian nodded, so Garak brought him close and began to suckle on his neck, eliciting an immediate squeak of pleasure.</p><p>Garak’s other hand slid low under the water, down Julian’s back...</p><p>He grasped a buttock and Julian let out a quiet, “Hm!” before settling back to measured breaths and the occasional shudder.</p><p>Julian rubbed himself against Garak, and Garak pushed up involuntarily. The first pulses of arousal truly took hold, and he opened his legs wider, knees out of the water. He tipped his hips up, so when Julian rubbed, he pleasured himself against Garak’s cloaca. Garak felt the internal throb as he started to harden, soon to evert.</p><p>Sexual contact was different underwater. Easier. Smoother. Hot water lapped at Garak’s shoulders, unseen, as the bubbles covered all.</p><p>Julian was so exceptionally gorgeous against the mass of foam. Some bubbles clung to him, but they showed against his brown skin as iridescent, oil-slick rainbows rather than white. He dazzled and shone, and his kisses to Garak’s neck scales felt as if they glistened in the same way.</p><p>Julian shuddered. “Elim, I— I want to touch you.”</p><p>“Are you not doing so?”</p><p>“Between your legs.”</p><p>“Ah.” Garak smiled, eye-ridges high. “I see. What, pray, might you want to touch?”</p><p>Julian gasped as Garak pushed into his erection, letting him feel how slippery he’d gotten. “Everything,” Julian breathed. “You haven’t everted yet...”</p><p>Garak purred and nuzzled his cheek. “Do you want to feel? Feel that happen?”</p><p>Julian nodded eagerly.</p><p>“Do you want to <i>make</i> that happen?” Garak asked in a thick, hungry whisper.</p><p>Julian moaned. “Let me? Let me. I’ll put my fingers... and feel you...”</p><p>Garak’s purr became a dense, aggressive rattle. “Stroke.”</p><p>With a gasp of delight, Julian plunged a palm between them, down Garak’s belly, to the opening of his cloaca and down, into the slick...</p><p>Garak’s head lolled back as he moaned, taken over by his dear friend’s touch. Julian fingered him gently, unsure at first but then confident, using a single middle finger to tease around Garak’s opening.</p><p>Garak felt the thickness of himself, the <i>push</i> and the slide as his erection emerged directly into Julian’s waiting fingers. But Julian pushed back, and Garak cried out, stung with pleasure that he hadn’t expected.</p><p>Julian refused to let Garak evert, and Garak began to gasp, hands striking the sides of the bath and then gripping them, firm-knuckled, all of him breathless and dizzy with pleasure that was not entirely physical.</p><p>“Why are you doing this to me,” Garak breathed, hearing the shake in his voice. “Y-You must... know... how cruel you’re being.”</p><p>Julian panted at Garak’s neck, fingers holding tight between Garak’s legs. He clamped even harder, causing dynamite excitement to spark over and over, pulsing.</p><p>“Do you want me to stop?” Julian asked, a smile in his voice.</p><p>Garak didn’t have an answer. He keened, squirming to get some friction against Julian’s hand. But Julian didn’t allow it. He held his entire hand against Garak’s cloaca, palm over the opening, so there was no escape and no chance for a stray fingertip to provide pleasure.</p><p>“Ah—” Garak surged in the bath, desperate for release and getting none. “Julian. Julian.”</p><p>“It doesn’t hurt, does it?” Julian checked.</p><p>Garak shook his head. “Want— Auh. Juh— Ngh. Hn.” He all but thrashed in place, snarling in frustration. “Let me go.”</p><p>“Oh, but I thought...” Julian’s eyes teased, looking altogether too innocent, “you asked me to touch you...”</p><p>“Guh!” Garak threw his head back, whole body roaring with desire that couldn’t go anywhere. “<i>Touch</i> me, Doctor! Like you promised me you would.”</p><p>“Hmmm.” Julian tilted his head, eyes drifting down Garak’s chest. His free hand dragged over his chest ridges, drawing out an involuntary purr. “Maybe...”</p><p>Garak panted, feeling exquisite pressure as Julian continued to hold him in. In all the months they’d shared together in bed, in moments they’d exchanged physical gratifications, there had been times where Garak had needed to twist his legs together and squeeze to stop himself from everting. But he’d never been so aroused as this; the squeeze itself was beautifully similar, and caused an enjoyable sensation – vibration, tingling, like the bolt of electricity left over after a sneeze – but it didn’t fade, it didn’t stop, and the retention was out of Garak’s control.</p><p>“What do you want?” Garak snapped. “What do you <i>want</i>?”</p><p>Julian’s foolhardy expression became one of shock. Garak panicked, thinking he’d scared him, but then he saw Julian’s smirk...</p><p>Oh.</p><p><i>That</i> was what he wanted.</p><p>Garak growled deeply, threateningly.</p><p>Julian’s lashes fluttered and his lips parted, some kind of bliss coming over his expression. Garak had long suspected Julian enjoyed their angrier cuddles, but hadn’t considered just how much...</p><p>Garak grasped Julian by both biceps and wrenched him close, snarling in his ear: “Fine, Doctor. Live dangerously.”</p><p>With that he forced Julian back and snared him in an unbreakable grip, rolling them both in the water until Julian was pinned against the slope, overpowered and hands loose: Garak gripped both of Julian’s wrists and slammed them down to the slope.</p><p>Julian, open-mouthed, looked at Garak with fear and love at once. “Elim...”</p><p>Garak forced himself closer and breathed against Julian’s neck, picking a soft spot and gently biting him. Julian sucked in a breath that suggested it hurt more than it did.</p><p>Still growling under his purr, Garak climbed over Julian’s propped-up thigh and set himself down, <i>pushing</i>. He knew Julian felt him everting smoothly against his skin; Julian’s eyes widened and his hands weakened. Garak let his hands go, and Julian rushed to hold the back of Garak’s shoulders.</p><p>“Oh my God,” Julian whispered. “You’re— I can feel y— <i>Auhh...</i>”</p><p>Garak kissed his neck more intensely than he usually would, and <i>tugged</i> on Julian’s damp hair to steer his head. As he shifted his hips to gratify himself against Julian’s thigh, he made no allowances for the fact Julian was thinner and technically weaker. He’d proven many a time that he was just as strong as Garak.</p><p>“Yes,” came Julian’s breath. “<i>Uah</i>, sweetheart, yes...”</p><p>“<i>Mine</i>,” Garak snarled the word against Julian’s ear. “You’re <i>mine</i>.”</p><p>Julian whined, slipping a hand off Garak’s back and into the water. The water began to tremble, smacking the far end of the bath, and that was how Garak realised just what Julian was doing.</p><p>“No.” Garak pushed his own hand in the way, sure Julian wouldn’t mind. Garak knew Julian enjoyed furious affections, but... he couldn’t help but let the softness return, for that was his nature now. He gently began to pleasure Julian, stroking his erection for him while placing tender kisses on his fuzzy jawline.</p><p>Julian smiled and relaxed, letting go of a happy sigh.</p><p>Garak allowed Julian that moment of complacency, then took him by the waist and <i>flung</i> him around. Stationed above, Garak bracketed his legs around this wiry waif of a man pushed front-first to the wooden slope.</p><p>Julian cried out, “What— Wh—” but his alarm soon corrupted and became desperate little wails as Garak lay over him, mock-penetrating him, pushing just enough to tease his anus.</p><p>Garak gathered Julian to him, off of the slope a bit. With that scant amount of wriggle room, he was able to rest his elbows on the incline, and eased his erection... gently, carefully... between Julian’s thighs.</p><p>Julian gasped.</p><p>“Theeere we go, my dear,” Garak purred against Julian’s shoulder, kissing there. “Do you like that?”</p><p>Julian nodded frantically.</p><p>“Squeeze your thighs together,” Garak told him.</p><p>He obliged. Garak moaned, eyes rolling back at the sheer delight it caused, being tucked into Julian’s perineum, shifting smoothly in that tight space. It was by no means as tight as penetration might feel, but Julian liked it, and Garak certainly liked it.</p><p>“Would you like to come first this time?” Garak asked, between kisses to Julian’s neck. “I believe I owe you an orgasm.”</p><p>Julian laughed, and the movement caused a quake in Garak. “I’d say no to be polite, but I’d be lying. Make me come.”</p><p>“Mmmmm.” Garak sank back to his knees until he knelt on the flat of the bath, taking Julian with him. Now Julian sat on his lap, unable to keep his thighs together – but he relaxed there, head back on Garak’s shoulder as Garak smooched his neck, licked his shoulder...</p><p>Garak’s hand stroked down Julian’s chest, mapping each rib that showed through his skin. Julian breathed deeply, vocalising his enjoyment with every breath.</p><p>Remembering something, Garak let his fingers stray to Julian’s nipples and began to play with both at once.</p><p>“Oh!” Julian shouted. He squirmed, arching into Garak’s touch. “Elim... Wet fingers... oh, <i>God</i>, that’s good. That’s— Oohh. Don’t s-s-stop – aughhh—”</p><p>Garak had other plans.</p><p>Both hands drew down Julian’s chest, to his belly—</p><p>Julian moaned loud and long, a frail hand shaking its way to hold Garak’s waist. He wanted to shadow the touches, move alongside as Garak stroked his stomach.</p><p>Garak interjected his touches with more kisses, and once or twice lifted a hand back to Julian’s face to guide his head... just so he could kiss his nose, or his forehead. Not yet his lips. But his chin, his cheeks. Soft, sweet kisses. The sweetest.</p><p>Every time, Julian would melt in his arms again.</p><p>Garak slowly pawed his way down to Julian’s pubic hair, and played with it, as he remembered him enjoying that. Julian began gasping, and giving small, occasional moans. He grew tense, hips pumping in his urgency for touch and an ultimate climax.</p><p>But Garak didn’t want to satisfy either of them so easily. He’d enjoyed their months of irresolution, no matter how frustrating. He’d <i>liked</i> that all this time, he’d been able to orgasm at the mere touch of Julian’s hand too high on his thigh, or if Julian pressed only once against his understimulated cloaca. Garak had never thought of himself as one to hold back on pleasurable things, but perhaps all this time together – wanting but not having – had made him accustomed to climaxing with his legs twisted together, at moments where he was trying everything in his power not to come. He’d even enjoyed the guilt as time went on. It had been his secret, and Julian might never have learned of the power he had...</p><p>So Garak did not let his hand slip lower. He did not touch Julian’s erection; he simply held him, and kissed him...</p><p>Kissed him all over.</p><p>Just like he’d asked for so many times.</p><p>Garak lay Julian gently back against the slope, and mouthed down his chest, sucking and purring and licking all the way. He dipped his head under the water and kept going. Nose into Julian’s belly. Water in his ears, muffling all sound, smothering him in inescapable heat.</p><p>He felt Julian trembling. He liked being kissed there.</p><p>Garak also looked at Julian’s erection under the water, glad to see it so stiff. Although he let his aural ridges graze the organ, Garak kissed around it, nosing into the crevice of Julian’s pokey hip and thigh.</p><p>Then Garak came up for air – only for Julian to snatch his face closer and kiss desperately at his pouring-wet cheeks, clawing hair out of Garak’s face as he did.</p><p>“I love this,” Julian panted. “Sweetheart. Swe— Keep going. I love it.”</p><p>Garak purred against his mouth but didn’t kiss his lips, even when Julian surged for that contact. One wicked grin later, Garak plunged his hands under the water and hoisted up Julian’s thighs. He pressed both up towards Julian’s shoulders, making him gasp—</p><p>Garak began to kiss the underside of his legs, which were still speckled with popping bubbles, fizzing against Garak’s chin as he moved. He kissed from thigh to knee, then down each of Julian’s calves, then took both feet in his hands and nourished the tops with kisses. Julian made a breathy sound at that – and when Garak glanced up, saw him staring with the darkest eyes. Nothing could break that kind of attention.</p><p>Garak lay Julian’s feet back in the water, and surged through the suds to reach Julian’s chest again. More kisses trailed from fingers to elbow, then up to each shoulder – right, then left.</p><p>Julian rolled over of his own volition so Garak would kiss his back.</p><p>As he had done for many months, Garak stroked Julian’s skin, and didn’t resist his urge to offer soft-voiced affections. “How beautiful you are, my dear...” Kisses across his shoulders. “How compassionate...” Kisses down his spine. “How clever.”</p><p>This time, Garak included the whole truth. “I love you completely.”</p><p>Shaking, Julian reached back. “Hold me,” he whispered. “Now. I want to be hh-h—”</p><p>Garak eased close and embraced him, lips to his shoulder. Soft kisses, eyes closed.</p><p>Julian hiccuped, fingers grasping Garak’s hand tightly. “Hold— Here. Here.” He pressed Garak’s right hand to his stomach. “Garak. G— Elim—” Julian squirmed in place. “H‘m mmh’hh—”</p><p>Garak purred as he smiled. “Perhaps I will indulge you... After all, I am... <i>curious</i>...”</p><p>He slid his left hand down between Julian’s legs and held his erection in his palm, cupped over the tip, the way Julian had held Garak’s cloaca.</p><p>Julian laughed, trembling furiously. “Elim, I’m – I’mm— AH!”</p><p>Static stirred up inside Garak; every sensation, every touch of the water on his scales and the rocking of Julian in his arms became <i>electric</i>. He gasped, grunted, then gasped again, feeling Julian’s pleasure as white-hot flares vaulted through him in repeating bursts. A hot squirt arrived in Garak’s palm, immediately gone as it floated into the water. The spot in his palm where it hit started to feel cold – then came a second hot spurt, lesser in volume...</p><p>Julian sagged, relaxing so much that Garak almost dropped him. Garak steadied his limp lover and cradled him to his chest, kissing his neck, then cheek, feeling every one of Julian’s deep breaths in his own lungs.</p><p>Amidst waves of emotion, Garak nearly wept in relief, and was glad that Julian couldn’t see his face. His breaths shook over Julian’s neck, smiles dancing in and out of existence, though his satisfaction only grew.</p><p>Soon Julian’s lashes began to flutter and his breaths shallowed until they were almost normal. He swallowed, and slipped a hand up to stroke Garak’s jaw over his shoulder.</p><p>“Turn me around,” Julian said, voice monotone from exhaustion. “I w’h... want to see your face when you come.”</p><p>Garak let him go slightly, so Julian could turn himself. Of course he was smiling as he lay back against the slope. But once their eyes met, Garak confessed, “I’m afraid I may need to disappoint you somewhat, my dear.”</p><p>Julian frowned. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“It seems I rather... climaxed at the moment you did.”</p><p>Julian’s lips parted, surprise written all over his expression. But he began to believe it, and soon a smile tilted his lips, eyes closing lazily.</p><p>“My apologies,” Garak said, ashamed. “Apparently my body is too accustomed to climaxing at precisely the wrong moment.”</p><p>Julian chuckled. He opened his eyes again and reached to bring Garak closer for an embrace. He kissed his forehead and cuddled him, all while humming a pleased note.</p><p>Garak struggled to accept that as forgiveness. “I truly am sorry.”</p><p>Julian laughed against Garak’s brow. “For what?” He smooched his forehead and nosed at it, kissing again. “I’m taking it as a compliment.”</p><p>Gradually Garak settled, snug in Julian’s arms and soothed by a stroking hand on his bicep. “My dear?”</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Are you satisfied?”</p><p>Julian dipped his head back to give Garak a baffled look. “How can you ask that?!” He laughed deeply, shaking his belly under Garak’s palm. “Elim, of course I’m <i>satisfied</i>.” He nudged Garak’s forehead with his cheek. “Are you?”</p><p>Garak’s smile grew wider and wider, and he nodded against Julian’s shoulder. He rested his cheek there, and gave himself over to comfort. “Yes, my dear. I am. Possibly more so than I have the words to say.”</p><p>“After making me read so many Cardassian novels you’d think you’d have enough <i>words</i>...”</p><p>Garak recognised bait for an argument, but only laughed quietly. “You would think.”</p><p>Julian sighed, slowly, and rested his cheek on Garak. He stared at the end of the bath, wriggling his toes out of the water, then let his foot sink into what was left of the bubbles.</p><p>This went beyond a feeling of contentment, or safety. Garak found he was experiencing some quiet, subtle, unyielding sensation of euphoria. He held onto it, but did not need to cling, because he trusted he would feel this again. It would not end the minute he pulled away.</p><p>Julian was <i>his</i>.</p><p>After a number of long, silent minutes, Julian inhaled a deep breath. “Alright, sweetheart,” he announced softly, placing another kiss on Garak’s forehead. “We’d better get to bed or we’ll fall asleep here.”</p><p>“Hmmmm,” Garak complained. “But I’m... already... half asleep...”</p><p>“Even more reason. Come on.” Julian helped Garak up, and they rose together, bodies pouring water back into the tub. “I’ll irrigate the fields with filtered bathwater tomorrow morning.”</p><p>Julian had thought of everything tonight: as soon as Garak stepped from the tub, Julian swathed him in one of the fluffy black Starfleet towels the crew had left behind. A second towel draped Julian’s own shoulders when Garak looked back.</p><p>Julian stepped close and began to dry Garak’s hair with a third towel.</p><p>Garak ducked his head and laughed, but allowed Julian to scrub gently at his head and squeeze at his locks.</p><p>No doubt he looked a mess. But Julian kissed his nose and suddenly Garak didn’t care what he looked like.</p><p>Hand in hand, Julian led Garak around the room to blow out the candles and put out the lanterns. He then took the final lantern and carried it ahead of them, looking back once to smile at Garak, who followed his lover into the shuttle.</p><p>Julian usually had so many parts of his routine, notes to add to his logs and things to fuss over in the bathroom.</p><p>Tonight he simply dropped his towel on the floor and lay in bed, waiting.</p><p>Garak did the same.</p><p>They embraced, nose to nose and smiling.</p><p>And at last, they fell into the night’s deepest kiss, lip to lip and twisting each other breathless.</p><p>It was to be the last kiss for tonight, as once the blanket covered them, Garak purred...</p><p>He purred until Julian fell asleep, bundled up with his cheek pressed to Garak’s chest. Garak stroked through his damp curls until they were nearly dry, and only then, between blissful thoughts and vague plans for tomorrow, did his purr fade to a breathy rattle... then silence.</p><p>They slept in the glow of the lantern, in the glow of the console lights, and in the glow of the stars through the ever-shattered viewscreen.</p><p>Clear night.</p><p>No clouds.</p><p>Tucked away at the side of the shuttle’s console, between a raktajino mug, a potted plant, and Kukalaka, who was snoozing against the viewscreen, a forgotten signal monitor lit up. A single ship blipped onto the screen.</p><p>The USS <i>Defiant</i> was closing in on orbit.</p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know I’ve posted fewer fics than usual these last few months, and that’s because I’ve spent so much time doing projects with the Sid City Social Club (<a href="https://www.sidcity.net/2021/01/15/introducing-the-world-tour-collection/">I made their new line of merch! Among other things</a>).</p><p>I’ve spent the last 11+ years of my life in isolation in my home due to health issues, but socialising with Star Trek/Sid City fandom friends during everyone else’s time of isolation has awakened something in my soul, and in a very short space of time, I’ve developed into a person I never realised I could be. I’m a hundred times more confident, better equipped to handle negative emotions and stressful situations, and capable of managing piles of community projects I had zero experience with less than a year ago. And my health has improved in leaps and bounds. All of this is due to the people I’ve spent time with this year (and if you’re one of them, thank you forever).</p><p>My fics are usually an unconscious metaphor for whatever’s going on in my life. In this fic we see Julian and Garak isolated in a lonely world, happy together, enthralled by each other and coaxing the most wonderful traits out into the open. And there we have the metaphor, which of course I didn’t notice until this fic was almost done.</p><p>Stay safe, space friends. I love you all dearly.</p><p>Elmie x</p><p>P.S. Wrote another fic for Time Fest before the deadline! <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29308980"><b>Written in Earnest</b></a> (5.6k, G - Julian's waiting for a letter from his ex-girlfriend but no letter comes, so Garak writes him one.)</p><p>P.P.S. 23rd March 2021 - Art links! <a href="https://almaasi.tumblr.com/post/646409316207935488/finally-finished-the-art-for-homing-signal-which">tumblr</a> / <a href="https://twitter.com/almaasi/status/1374177344072478720">twitter</a></p>
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